I really like this, it's sweet and sad at the same time and I like how it gives the reader a message about revenge without being all preachy. There are a couple of spelling mistakes which can no doubt be fixed in a proofreading. I like the use of short/simple sentences for dramatic effect, however I do think perhaps you could combine some of them to make longer sentences and give it a more varied structure and less jolty feel. I also think you should review the use of tenses (it seems to switch from past to perfect to present towards the end) Though of course it's all totally up to you, this is your work
I love the use of parallelism between kissing Jonathan and kissing death, I really liked the image too so thumbs up for that!
Overall great work Hope this is helpful -Megan
~Una palabra no dice nada y al mismo tiempo lo esconde todo~ Carlos Varela
Oh wow. This is really good. It sounds like the perfect idea for a novel. I'd pick up the book in a second if it was one. I love the beginning. It's really sweet and realistic. I really like your writing. You don't waste any time in getting to the point. I would love hear more of the story though but I said that already. Haha. I'd love to read about all of her emotions building up and that's when everything explodes, you know? But that goes with the whole wanting-it-to-be-a-book thing. So basically, I just want to read more!!! XD Awesome!!
"Friends are like potatoes. If you eat them, they die."
The short sentences created a dramatic effect. I love simple sentences like that...may be my favorite But I agree with the previous comment. SOME sentences could be altered together. So it won't be read choppy and more flowing. Of course, it's up to you; it is your writing piece. One that it very well written I might say...
I liked it a lot, very touching. -Brie
"None but ourselves can free our minds." ~Bob Marley
This was very interesting and a touching story!!! I loved it! They paragraph about his sickness needs to be a little clearer and possibly add some more detail to it. "They took him away." Confused me because I wasn't clear if it was the doctors or someone else who took him away and why he was taken away. Overall it was fabulous! It was intense and beautifully written.
Wow! Very different and interesting. I think the scene where she walks in with a gun could be a little slower. Maybe add some detail about the other people in there, how they look at her, how she feels. Add a bit more detail about Doctor Wentworth, too, before you just have her walk in and shoot him. Anyway, great job; I really enjoyed it! and like justmeidontknow, I would definitely read this if it were a novel! Seriously though, if you could expand the lot, add some backstory, and fill in with some other characters, I think this actually has amazing potential of being a book. Maybe you'll give it a go?
Behind every impossible achievement is a dreamer of impossible dreams. --Robert Greenleaf
I love this story. It's not cheesy at all. In a way, you could just see this happening. It makes you want to find love as powerful as that (even if it kills you). There was a problem with two sentences. They were sentence fragments, and you should connect them together. Since I'm new here, I have no idea how to make the quote thing, but it's at the part where it says, "They didn't think it was right. For us to be so happy." The next sentence is fine like that, but only these two parts bother me. Keep writing, I like it
I am not you, and you are not me. We cannot understand each other. Though we could try, we won't completely. The effort however, will keep us together.
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Points: 1147
Reviews: 374