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Always There



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Gender: Female
Points: 1039
Reviews: 25
Tue Jun 21, 2011 3:08 pm
roxywriter1573 says...



Always There
(P.O.V. of Amy Jones)

The first time I saw him was last year. I was a Freshman and he was a Junior. I thought he was the most gorgeous male specimen I’d ever seen.
When I had finally realized that he was walking over to me that day, I got a little worried that he was just going to be mean to me, like all the other upperclassmen.
Instead, he sat down, smiled, and started talking to me as if we were old friends.
Now, he’s my gorgeous, popular best friend, I’m still the nerdy sidekick, and, of course, I’m totally in love with him.
“Hey, Apple Jacks,” he says as he sits down at my lunch table like he always does.
“Hey, Jolly Ollie,” I say with a smile.
“You know, you’re the only person that dares to call me that. Everyone else just calls me by my last name.”
“Yeah, but I’m not everyone. I’m special,” I say. “I’m your best friend.”
He smiles.
“That’s true,” he says. “Oh, hey. There’s a party at Sean’s house on Friday night. We have to bring a date so…do you wanna go?”
“As your date?” I ask in reply, a smile playing on my lips.
He nods and I smile. He could take any hot girl he wants and he chose me instead.
“Yes, I’d love to go with you,” I finally answer.
He kisses my cheek, a big smile on his lips.
“Thank you, Amy,” he whispers.
No, I think. Thank you, Oliver.

On Friday night, I dressed in a short, sparkly green dress and put in my contacts. I slipped on my new silver stilettos, straightened my red hair, and did my makeup (like my mom taught me to. “Bring out the color in your beautiful green eyes,” she’d said.)
I look in the mirror and smile. My braces had been removed that afternoon and I couldn’t stop smiling all day.
“Amy! Oliver is here!” my mom yells.
I walk downstairs and stood about two feet away from the love of my life.
“Hi,” he says with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen on his face. Is he high? Why is he smiling like that?
“Hey,” I giggle, smiling back.
He freezes for a second, then smiles one again.
“You look absolutely gorgeous, Amy. When did you get your braces off?” he asks.
“Thank you. And earlier today,” I answer, a blush starting to creep up my neck.
“Cool. Well, you ready to go?” he asks.
I nod and he takes my hand. We walk out of the house as mom takes pictures to save this beautiful memory.

“Who is this fine work of art?” Sean says as he opens the door, making me blush.
“Amy Jones,” Oliver answers with a joyful look in my direction.
Sean’s dark eyes widen and he looks me up and down.
“Damn girl! You have a nice ass body! Why have you been hiding that from me?” he jokes as I realize that he’s already drunk.
“Hey, back off. She’s mine,” Oliver tells him, making me blush even more. He put his arm around my waist and steers me over to the kitchen.
We grab some cokes and talk to some of the people that Oliver knows. They are all surprised by my transformation and I get compliments from every single one of them.
One of Oliver’s ex’s comes by and gives me the stink eye. The break up hadn’t gone so well and she blames me for it…even though I didn’t know Oliver when it happened.
After that, Oliver and I dance all night and eventually, I take a couple of sips of the wrong thing and get a tiny bit tipsy…

As we walk out of the house later that night (or early the next morning…), Oliver had to help me walk straight. He was holding my heels in one hand and the other was holding me. I giggle and hiccup as I lean on him for support.
“Amy, are you okay?” he asks.
“Mmhmm. I am absomaloutely fine, Ollie-Pop,” I giggle in reply.
He obviously didn’t believe me and said something about taking me home, but I had all but passed out by the time he started talking again.

The next day, I wake up in a room I’d seen a million times before.
Oliver’s room.
I turn my head and see him sleeping on the floor, shirtless.
“Oliver,” I whisper as a massive headache hit me like a thirty ton truck going ninety on the freeway.
He moves and yawns.
“Oliver,” I try, a little louder.
This time, he opens his eyes and looks up. He smiles at me.
“Morning, Amy,” he says in a sleepy voice.
“Morning.” I smile back, rubbing my temples.
“Have a headache?” he asks.
I nod and sit up in bed, making the headache even worse. Then, I look down at where he’s lying.
His abs are perfectly sculpted and his arms look strong and so wonderfully toned, I think. I blush and look away.
“We kissed,” he blurts.
“What?” I ask, turning back to face him, bewildered.
He just smiles, knowing that I heard.
“And you wanted to…”
He mimicked two people making love with his pillow.
“Whoa buddy, you can stop. I get it,” I say, covering my face with my hands and hoping to die right there.
I feel so humiliated and embarrassed that I get up, grab my purse and shoes, and start walking to the door.
Ha catches my arm and pulls me back saying, “My parent’s don’t know that you stayed over. They’ll kill me.”
“Well, that’s your problem, not mine,” I tell him bitterly, trying to free myself from his grasp.
“Please, Amy. I don’t know why you’re mad. I brought you here so that your parents wouldn’t kill you for getting drunk or kill me for not making sure you didn’t get drunk. I even called one of my friends to cover for you. Right now, your parents think you’re at her house,” he explains with a pleading voice.
“Well, thank you…but how am I supposed to get out of here without your parents finding out?” I ask, sitting back down on his bed.
“Oliver, honey. Are you awake?” a voice asks as someone knocks on the door.
We freeze, looking at each other.
Then, I sprint under the bed with my things and Oliver opens the door once I’m hidden.
“Yeah, I’m awake,” I hear him answer.
“Oh, well good morning, darling. Come down for breakfast,” Mrs. Markson, says.
“Actually, Mom, I’m meeting Amy at Denny’s in a little while. If that’s okay with you.”
“Oh, it’s fine! She’s such a good girl. Always doing the right thing,” she says. “Go ahead. Don’t keep her waiting.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
The door closes and I crawl out of my hiding spot.
Oliver and I share a look and I immediately know how I’m leaving his house.

“Open it up more and maybe I’ll fit!” I whisper loudly.
The bottom half of my body is in Oliver’s room and the top half is hanging out of the window.
He opens the window wider and I slide through…falling in my face.
“Ouch,” I say into the grass.
“Sorry,” Oliver whispers. “All you have to do now is walk two houses down and you’re at Jessica’s.”
“Okay. Did you call to tell her that I’m going?” I ask.
He nods and I get up. I peck his lips, wave goodbye, and start to walk.

“Dios mío, Amy. ¿Qué paso? What happened?” Jessica asks when she opens the door.
“Um, I fell on my face when I was sneaking out of Oliver’s window,” I answer with a nervous laugh.
“Get in here,” she sighs. “You need a shower and some clean clothes.”
After I shower and get dressed in borrowed jeans and a tank top, Jessica drives me to Denny’s to meet up with Oliver.
“Alright, girl. Next time you go to a party, promise me you won’t drink,” Jessica says as we pull up.
I smile and say, “Thank you for everything. And I promise I won’t drink until I’m twenty one.”
She smiles back and I climb out of her car. As she drives away, I walk into Denny’s and find Oliver sitting in a booth.
I sit across from him and he smiles when he sees me.
“Hey. How are you feeling?” he asks as I get comfortable.
“Better now. Jessica made me some menudo,” I answer. “ Did your mom ask about last night?”
He shakes his head.
Then, we just look at each other.
“Tell me what happened when we kissed,” I say, breaking the silence.
He smiles and takes my hand in his.
“Well, I’d already snuck you into my bedroom and we were both on my bed. You were drunk and I was tired from carrying you all the way home without a car. Someone had borrowed mine.
“Then, you hugged me by my neck and pulled my face close to yours. You said, ‘Ollie-Pop, I’ve loved you since the first day I met you.’
“I was shocked, but happy because I feel the same way. I pulled you closer to me and we kissed for a long time. Soon, we were making out and you took my shirt off.
“I stopped you and told you that the idea that you had in your head wasn’t a good one. I didn’t want to take advantage of you.
“So, I just held you in my arms until you fell asleep and then I made a makeshift bed on the floor. The end.”
I look at him, a whirr of emotions swirling around in my mind and body. Love, lust, embarrassment, desire, anger at myself, and hope all mixed into one flavor.
“Oliver, I’m so sorry…”
“Amy, it’s okay. You were drunk. The only thing that I want to know is weather or not you really love me,” he interrupts, looking into my tearful eyes.
“Oh, Oliver I do,” I say. “I love you so much…”




“…that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Looking into your eyes, knowing that our love has been real since the beginning. You are my world,” I end, tears rolling down my cheeks.
“By the power vested in me, I may now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride,” the priest says.
Oliver takes my face in his hands and kisses me lovingly, sealing the words that make us united 'til death do we part.'
The End
Last edited by roxywriter1573 on Tue Jun 21, 2011 7:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it."
-Confucious

FoxyRoxy <3
Don't judge a book by it's movie
Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos
-Homer Simpson
  





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Tue Jun 21, 2011 7:15 pm
HIGHWHITESOCKS says...



Awwww! This is a really sweet and charming story! Let me do my best to review it...

The first time I saw him was last year. I was a Freshman and he was a Junior. I thought he was the most gorgeous male specimen I’d ever seen.
When I had finally realized that he was walking over to me that day, I got a little worried that he was just going to be mean to me, like all the other upperclassmen.

A couple small things about this opening. It works, but I was under the impression that this would be another one of them lame cliched high school love stories. But everything afterwards was fun and unique, so I think maybe it'd be worth it to take another look at these two sentences and spice em up a bit. Just a thought though, they work as they are.

He nods and I smile. He could take any hot girl he wants and he chose me instead.

I like that you tell the story in present tense (and this is such a cute line!), as it's a nice change of pace. But you have a tense shift here, so I'd advise changing chose to chooses and maybe could to can, if you want to keep the present tense. I'd also just go over slowly and make sure the tense stays consistent, cause it's a good tactic. It just needs to stay in the present with all the verbs if you want to do it.

On Friday night, I dressed in a short, sparkly green dress and put in my contacts. I slipped on my new silver stilettos, straightened my red hair, and did my makeup (like my mom taught me to. “Bring out the color in your beautiful green eyes,” she’d said.)

Great description here, I like it!

As we walk out of the house later that night (or early the next morning…), Oliver had to help me walk straight. He was holding my heels in one hand and the other was holding me. I giggle and hiccup as I lean on him for support.
“Amy, are you okay?” he asks.
“Mmhmm. I am absomaloutely fine, Ollie-Pop,” I giggle in reply.
He obviously didn’t believe me and said something about taking me home, but I had all but passed out by the time he started talking again.

Love the dialogue here, but like I said, keep the tenses of the verbs consistent. Gotta pick either past or present and make all the verbs that tense.

“Please, Amy. I don’t know why you’re mad. I brought you here so that your parents wouldn’t kill you for getting drunk or kill me for not making sure you didn’t get drunk. I even called one of my friends to cover for you. Right now, your parents think you’re at her house,” he explains with a pleading voice.

He sounds like an awfully sweet boy! haha. Just a general thing, don't say 'with a pleading voice,' cause it sounds too flat. Ever heard the famous 'show, don't tell' advice? Instead of saying what his voice was like, describe how it was wavering, how he was on his knees staring up at her, things like that. It adds a lot to the imagery and makes it more believable. Good rule of thumb with descriptions: when you feel like you have too much, it's probably just enough. :D

“Tell me what happened when we kissed,” I say, breaking the silence.
He smiles and takes my hand in his.
“Well, I’d already snuck you into my bedroom and we were both on my bed. You were drunk and I was tired from carrying you all the way home without a car. Someone had borrowed mine.
“Then, you hugged me by my neck and pulled my face close to yours. You said, ‘Ollie-Pop, I’ve loved you since the first day I met you.’
“I was shocked, but happy because I feel the same way. I pulled you closer to me and we kissed for a long time. Soon, we were making out and you took my shirt off.
“I stopped you and told you that the idea that you had in your head wasn’t a good one. I didn’t want to take advantage of you.
“So, I just held you in my arms until you fell asleep and then I made a makeshift bed on the floor. The end.”

Awwwwwwww! :D a guy evolved and mature enough to put her well-being and future sober state of mind ahead of whatever hormonal desires he has! I don't even think the Croc Hunter could have found such a rare creature. Haha, very good dialogue, I love this passage.

“Amy, it’s okay. You were drunk. The only thing that I want to know is weather or not you really love me,” he interrupts, looking into my tearful eyes.
“Oh, Oliver I do,” I say. “I love you so much…”

“…that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Looking into your eyes, knowing that our love has been real since the beginning. You are my world,” I end, tears rolling down my cheeks.
“By the power vested in me, I may now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride,” the priest says.
Oliver takes my face in his hands and kisses me lovingly, sealing the words that make us a married couple for as long as we both shall live.

Excellent, EXCELLENT transition here! I love love love this passage! The only thing I would say though is that YWS story format makes a line break at every ENTER sign in the typing, so you might want to make it a little more obvious that it's a transition, cause on the reading page, it just looks like a normal line break. I'd definitely keep it, cause it's great. Also, you might consider changing the last line to something like 'sealing the words that unite us together, till death do us part.' Or something without directly using the word 'marriage.' it just makes for a little stronger wordplay, but it's lovely the way it is.

Fantastic story, and I'm so glad you let me be the first to review it! :D
- SOCKS
Would you kindly?
  





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Points: 1039
Reviews: 25
Tue Jun 21, 2011 7:28 pm
roxywriter1573 says...



YAY!!!!!!! I'm so glad you like it XD *happy dance* lol
"Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it."
-Confucious

FoxyRoxy <3
Don't judge a book by it's movie
Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos
-Homer Simpson
  





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Tue Jun 21, 2011 7:32 pm
PrincessOfDarkness says...



I agree with SOCKS (xD) and I, too, love the last transition! It was really, really clever.

About the tenses, I get it alot too. I mix up present and past. :S Silly moi.

Ciao.
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Tue Jun 21, 2011 7:34 pm
roxywriter1573 says...



Lol yeah it's hard. I'm so used to writing in past tense DX haha. I'm working on it though! :D
"Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it."
-Confucious

FoxyRoxy <3
Don't judge a book by it's movie
Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos
-Homer Simpson
  





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Tue Jun 21, 2011 7:34 pm
stargazer9927 says...



This was such a cute story. I always laughed at upperclassmen dating freshman and I said a high school sweetheart marrige would never last (and I'm not denying that) but this story was so cute I just had to look through that and smile.

Let me tell you a story. When I went on my first date (it as a little over a year ago) I was going with this boy I really liked and I was so excited because I had got my braces off that morning. All night I hinted to him that I got my braces off and he didn't get the clue. I finally just went out and said it and he kind of looked at me and said he didn't pay attention to that kind of stuff. I told myself it was just a guy thing, so I wasn't so sure about this guy's character, but I would love to have him as my boyfriend any day.

This story seems to take the average guy and make him into something every girl would want. But I just wonder if this guy could actually exist, being that I'm on an anti-guy spree right now:)

The first time I saw him was last year. I was a Freshman and he was a Junior. I thought he was the most gorgeous male specimen I’d ever seen.
When I had finally realized that he was walking over to me that day, I got a little worried that he was just going to be mean to me, like all the other upperclassmen.
Instead, he sat down, smiled, and started talking to me as if we were old friends.
Now, he’s my gorgeous, popular best friend, I’m still the nerdy sidekick, and, of course, I’m totally in love with him.
“Hey, Apple Jacks,” he says as he sits down at my lunch table like he always does.
“Hey, Jolly Ollie,” I say with a smile.

I would love more of a background story here. How did they fall in love? What kind of guy sits at a table of a girl he doesn't even know and starts talking like their old friends? The reality of this was kind of off.

No, I think. Thank you, Oliver.

You have this in first person so there's no need to add the I think. Anything she says is something she thinks because you can't get into the head of someone else, so who else would be thinking it?:)

Overall this was a cute story. I'm not a sucker for romance but every once in a while I'll review something I like. It's a good reminder that someday I'll find a guy that will give me the world and won't be a jerk:)
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Tue Jun 21, 2011 7:53 pm
AmeliaCogin says...



Hi Roxy! I'm here to review, as promised! ;)

Let me begin by saying that this was very sweet. Almost a little too fairytale sweet. The happenings of your story do not generally happen in real life. However, for some strange reason, the piece as a whole was very appealing. As I read, I thought: 'how unrealistic! How cliched!' but my eyes were just glued to the screen. I couldn't stop reading!
The quality of your writing is wonderful. Your prose is uncluttered and simple yet very stark and beautiful. Some authors use fancy words and flowery prose to tell a story, but I find simplistic with the odd dazzling sentence more effective and emotive.
In the way of improvement, HighWhitey has given you a really great and thorough nitpick, so I won't go over his points. I would work on making your pieces more serious: perhaps your signature style is far-to-optomistic stories with gorgeous characters, but I doubt it. Give your stories a twist!
Let me put this to you: which is more realistic - Oliver being really kind to Amy and not taking advantage of her when she was drunk, or him taking advantage of her and getting her pregnant? The latter, surely. It's not that I want that to happen - of course I don't! - but that, sadly, is life. <<< Just my ramblings and opinions. Either way, your story was beautifully written, I only have issues with the storyline, which I feel is quite weak.
Anyway, have a nice day, Roxy, and I hope you don't mind me expressing my opinions! Need any other reviews, just PM me!
~ Alia, your new YWS buddie! ;)
  





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Tue Jun 21, 2011 8:33 pm
roxywriter1573 says...



Awwww thank you guys for ur contributions as stuff. haha.
I'm just gonna go ahead and say (for future refrance) I am a HUGE hopeless romantic and a lot of my stories show that. In a bunch of them, everyone lives happily ever after but I'm working on changing that. :)
Thanks a bunch again.

-Roxy
"Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it."
-Confucious

FoxyRoxy <3
Don't judge a book by it's movie
Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos
-Homer Simpson
  








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