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Wed Jun 22, 2011 6:59 am
Alliaaryn5665 says...



"That's it! We are over!" Camden screamed at his girlfriend, who had apparently been cheating on him for the last four months.
"Fine! You know what; he is a better kisser than you anyways! You are not worthy of me! Heather, your piece of trash best friend, is what you deserve." Kristie and Heather never got along, but this sure was new.
Heather, standing there the whole time, went up to the girl. "You whore. The only trash here is you."
She laughed, "You wish."
Heather sloshed around her drink in her hand. "I don't need to, Kristie," Heather dumped the brown liquid on the girl's hair, "There. That's a better color for you."
Kristie screamed and stormed off. Heather turned towards Camden and smiled when she saw the silliest grin on his face. He picked her up and swung her around.
"You are the best friend ever," He laughed, "Oh my goodness, I love you!"
She giggled and he set her down. He never, ever saw what him saying that meant to her. Even after all these years, he still doesn't know how much I love him. Even though, when he first kissed me on the cheek when we were each other's date to prom, I stopped breathing. He hadn't even gone with Kristie, Heather thought. He grabbed her hand, breaking her concentration, and her heart leapt out of her chest. Camden still had absolutely no idea how much she loved him.
"Hey, can I spend the night? I don't want to walk home."
“Sure,” Heather said, used to him asking since he asked almost every night.
Hand in hand, they walked to her apartment building.

They walked into her black, white, and red apartment. Those were her three favorite colors, Camden knew.
“I’m going to take a shower,” He said, kissing her on the cheek.
“Okay,” Heather said, becoming mute after he did that. He's done that for years, they were that close.
She heard the shower start and then she remembered that there were no towels in there. She went to the linen closet and grabbed two towels. She hesitantly knocked on the bathroom door and Camden’s muffled voice told her she could come in. Steam circulated out into the hallway as she opened the door. She hung up the towels and glanced briefly at the shower.
“Sorry,” She whispered.
“It’s okay. Hey, stay in here and talk to me.” He said stopping here from leaving.
“Okay, Cam. So, what do you want to talk about?” She said in her regular shy voice.
“I can’t believe you did that to Kristie! That was amazing! I never imagined you’d do that. You are so shy.” Heather could tell he was smiling from the tone in his voice.
“I wasn’t going to have her say what she did about you.”
“She was wrong, you know. About what she said about you, I mean,” Camden said.
“What.” It was more of a statement than a question.
“You are beautiful,” Heather’s heart was pounding and then she sat in silence, waiting for him to wake her from the shock.
Suddenly, the water shut off and Camden stuck his head out to see her.
“Hand me a towel,” He said.
Heather handed him the black one and he wrapped it around his waist. He stepped out onto the rug and Heather’s breathe caught in her throat. His dirty blonde hair was plastered to his face, framing his amber eyes. His body was flawless with water droplets running down as if racing to see who could hit the towel first. Heather slowly went up to him, with the red towel still in hand, and moved his hair out of his eyes. They stood there in silence for what seemed like an eternity, though it was probably only 30 seconds.
“Uhm, you still have your pajama pants here and a shirt too. You know where they are. I’m going to take a quick shower; I’ll be right out,” Heather said as he walked out.
She closed the door and started her shower. She couldn’t breathe, but it wasn’t because of the steam.


She stepped out of the bathroom with the red towel wrapped around her. She went to her dresser to get pants but she couldn’t find any. They must all be dirty.
“Oh, come on!”
“What? No pants?”
“Yeah.”
“Here, use my shirt,” He said as he pulled his shirt off.
“Uh, okay,” Heather said as she turned around so she could drop the towel. She was standing there in her bra and underwear before she slipped Cam’s oversized tee over her head.
He was already lying in the bed, when she crawled in. She faced away from him, and he held her close to him.
“I was serious when I said you were beautiful,” Camden said.
Heather looked over her shoulder at him, the shadows highlighting her high cheekbones and her soft, blush colored cheeks. Her red hair with blonde-orange highlights tickled his face. He leaned his face closer and gave her the usual good night kiss. She turned back around, and with Cam’s arm around her middle, her breathing slowed ever-so-slightly.
“I love you, Cam.” Heather whispered.
“I love you, too.” His arm tightened slightly around her.
With that, she was asleep with Camden soon following.

Heather woke with a start and looked around. Camden was gone. She checked her clock and saw that it was around six o’clock in the afternoon. She had woken up multiple times in the middle of the night, so she had slept in extra late. She saw a note on her side table. It read:

I am going to be out late tonight, but I promise I’ll be back.
Love, Cam.


Heather sighed and got dressed. She would have to go to the store and run a few errands today. She grabbed her keys and left, knowing in her mind that tonight he would go see the girl in the diner. Though, what he never knew, was that ever since preschool, she had always meant in when she said she loved him.

Present

Heather sat on the tile roof of her apartment building under the starry sky on a late Thursday night. She couldn't help but think that she should've told him. Maybe if she hadn't kept it inside, maybe if she hadn't let him go. Maybe he'll come back for me. Maybe he'll see, Heather thought. She got up to head inside and saw him walking on the sidewalk below her, and pull open the door to the diner next to her building. Through the window on the diner, she saw him stop next to a blonde girl at the counter with a pink bow in her hair. A single tear splashed on the tiles beneath Heather as she walked across the roof to go back in.
Last edited by Alliaaryn5665 on Mon Jun 27, 2011 1:30 pm, edited 2 times in total.
You think you are any different from me,or yourfriends?Or this tree?If you listenhard enough,you canhear every living thingbreathing together.You canfeel everything growing.We are all living togethereven if most folksdon't act like it.We all havethe same roots,and we are allbranches of the sametree.
  





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Wed Jun 22, 2011 4:09 pm
roxywriter1573 says...



Oh my jellyfish! That was really good! I love how you repeated the beginning at the end. There were some grammar mistakes but all in all it was a good story. I'd love to hear more :)

Keep on writing!
-Roxy
"Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it."
-Confucious

FoxyRoxy <3
Don't judge a book by it's movie
Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos
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Thu Jun 23, 2011 3:14 am
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tigershark17 says...



Excellent! Watch your end marks and commas, but there weren't to many issues. I loved this story! It was awesome when Heather dumped her drink on his girlfriend, and the shower thing was great too. Awesome job!
Behind every impossible achievement is a dreamer of impossible dreams.
--Robert Greenleaf
  





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Sun Jun 26, 2011 4:26 pm
theotherone says...



Hello there. :) I'm here as requested!

I'll try to do all of your works, but it might take me some time... I just recently got a job, and I'm not as available as I was before. But I promise they will be done! ;) So let's move on to the review, shall we?
She got up to head inside and saw him walking on the sidewalk below her, and pulled open the door to the diner next to her building. Through the diner's window, she saw him stop next to a blonde girl at the counter with a pink bow in her hair.

"Fine! You know what; he is a better kisser than you anyways! You are not worthy of me! You deserve that piece of trash Heather."

I'm a little confused on what happened exactly... So she cheated on him? And the last sentence make it sound as if Heather deserved a piece of trash, and not that Heather was a piece of trash. I think you should try to re-phrase it so it's a little more clear on what truly happened between Camden and his girlfriend, and what Heather had to do with it. Or maybe it's coming on later? I guess I'll find out. ;)
"You are the best friend ever!" He laughed Period.

He said stopping her from leaving.

“She was wrong, you know. About what she said about you, I mean.” Camden said Period.

Heather’s heart was pounding and then they sat in silence

Wasn't he taking a shower? So he wouldn't be sitting... Try: Heather's heart was pounding and she sat in silence, waiting for him to break the trance.
His body was flawless with water droplets running down as if racing to see who could hit the towel first.

He leaned his face closer and gave her the usual good night kiss. She turned back around, and with Cam’s arm around her middle, her breathing slowed ever-so-slightly.
“I love you, Cam.” Heather whispered
“I love you, too.” His arm tightened slightly around her
With that, she was asleep with Camden soon following.

Okay, uh what? So the 'usual good night kiss'... What is that supposed to mean. Like a kiss on the forehead, on the cheek, or a full on kiss on the lips? Because he had a girlfriend only a few hours back. Maybe you want to mention that, and the fact that it was friendly? Also, she says 'I love you', is it something common? Like they always said it, but meant in in a friendly way, Camden just never knew she actually loved him? Might want to mention that as well, because I'm really confused right now. ;)
Heather sat on the tile roof of her apartment building under the starry sky on a late Thursday night. She couldn't help but think that she should've told him. Maybe if she hadn't kept it inside, maybe if she hadn't let him go. Maybe he'll come back for me. Maybe he'll see, Heather thought. She got up to head inside and saw him walking on the sidewalk below her, and pull open the door to the diner next to her building. Through the window on the diner, she saw him stop next to a blonde girl at the counter with a pink bow in her hair. A single tear splashed on the tiles beneath Heather as she walked across the roof to go back in.

You already told us this. I think it's better at the end though. If you begin with the past, and then go into present, I think it's less confusing. So I would recommend you just drop the whole thing at the beginning and just start with the diner fight. :)

Plot wise, it was good. I liked the story, and how it didn't quite end well. It felt real in some way.

Punctuation wise... You need to use comma's! When someone's talking, there's normally a comma separating the actual dialogue from the narration. It helps with the flow of the story.
“Sure comma,” Heather said

For example, there should be a comma here, not a period. Edit this and your story will be awesome. :)

Keep writing!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
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Sun Jun 26, 2011 5:11 pm
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KaylaCoon says...



Welpp! Kayla Here!!

To start I liked how your opening really grabbed my attention. It made me wonder, well what is all this about? Therefore I keep reading. And I'm glad I did,one thing I really liked was that from what the reader knows so far the best friend didn't get the guy. Most stories it's alwaays there are both in love with each other. But I enjoyed your twist on this timeless plot.

Well, I'd like to know if you plan on writing more? I really liked the last line about the tear drop on the tile, it really added emotions, and the part where you said the red, black, and white apartment, in most places that would have been useless information but, here it helped. It added to the imagination, and back ground, letting you know more about the character.

The little dialouge was great, but what I really liked is that your whole story wasn't just a mess of people talking, the main character had a lot of thoughts. I liked how it was deep, and all her thoughts more priority over the dialouge and the talking stuff. It's really rare to come across a story that can be good like this one is with mainly thoughts, and like monolouges but inside the mind.

I really like this story, and if you write more you should really let me know!!

--Kaylaa!
The closest friends are the ones you'd take a bullet for, but they're the ones you constantly feel you could put a bullet in as well<33--Alex Gaskarth

"So take my life I'll had it to you, you can try on these clothes but you can't fill these shoes,"-- Poison-All Time Low
  








grammar is hard and i dislike it immensely
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