She sat there and couldn't think of anything to write. Sitting there in front of a blank screen, she was simply thinking. The white blank document page screaming at her to be filled. She thought of the morals of life; love, hate, war, peace. Every emotion that could course through her veins.
Just an amateur writer, trying to make it big. She thought to herself. She scoffed at the thought. Something has to make this damn thing work.
Then Amanda thought about the one guy that could turn her world upside down. The one guy who actually had done that to her; who made her feel anger, love, sorrow, and back again in the course of one night. The guy who broke down her emotional, and mental barriers.
Sergio. It was an instantaneous thought.
The name in her head sent shivers down her back. Amanda began thinking of the arguments they had had over the three years she had known him. Heart breaking comments between them, debates over relationship problems, over whether or not they should try to be a couple. Fights about what she was feeling; how she was so easily swayed by simple words.
Amanda thought of the nights she cried her eyes out, screaming his name into her pillow, wanting him to tell her it was OK, that he was there with her. That he would wipe away her tears. That she meant something in the world and that she would make it.
Of course, the illusion never happened.
But now, when her mind was blank, when there was nothing left to write down on a blank page, it felt good to relive the past through words and think about the events that led them up to where they were now. As friends. Secret lovers?
“Hell, I don't know anymore,” She muttered to herself through a smile. There was the beauty to it; she didn't know. In that knowledge of not knowing, there was more mystery, more possibilities of the events that could take place. She would rather not know than know of what could happen between them. Leave things up to chance? Maybe, because out of all the terrible things she'd experienced, something else had come out of them.
Out of the divorce between her parents, she was free from her father's abusive nature, mostly. She didn't have to go to school anymore with bruises on her sides, buttocks, or back.
Out of the arguments between her and Sergio, they had grown closer, and she felt so safe that she had told Sergio some of her deepest, darkest secrets. He was the reason she had never gone back to cutting.
He kept her in check for what she wanted her future to look like for herself, made sure she knew he was disappointed in her in getting high, or smoking.
He may not have known it, but that ripped her up inside. She hated herself for a day or two, after having him tell her that he was disappointed in her. Sometimes, it was like he was just trying to protect her from herself. Something no one else had ever done for her, except maybe her mother.
Amanda listened to Breaking Benjamin's album, Phobia, as she remembered all of this. It was one of her most painful, happy, pleasurable memories. One of the best and worst memories of her life. The memories of him were burned in her brain forever. Why? You may ask. And the answer would be a simple three words that she thought about him.
“I love you.”
What she felt for him, she had no control over; she couldn't make it go away. And through all the bad times, the time he broke her heart, or said something that hurt her, the love didn't stop. She simply felt it, but that didn't mean she had control over it.
This was the kind of love that grew, that happened over the years. Three years? Sounds about right, sounds like it could happen. And it did. But that didn't mean that both included of said love approved of it. In fact, Sergio didn't love Amanda. But that didn't matter to her. She would take a bullet for him. She would give him anything as long as it meant protecting him.
Amanda thought about that fact. That she loved him. And still, staring at the blank page, she finally had the idea to write about what had happened between them. Lovers, fighters, and friends.
She thought about other things. Amanda shook her head, trying to clear it, trying and failing to control her emotions that began to spin out of her control. She thought of other things; flowers, complex human life.
Sciences and all the miracles that put her and him in Belton. In the exact same town, at the exact same time. The probability of their lives entwining of the thousands that lived in that city. The impossible probability that had made her, and him. The anatomical chances to create such beings as each other; to have the capability to love, to hate, to feel a thing for each other. To have even met.
That was the pure miracle.
And that was all that she wanted, all that she needed; a miracle. And that is what had happened to her. He was her miracle. Definitely not a saint, not a devil, not an angel. Simply and always, a guardian for her. Her guardian angel.
Amanda smiled at the thought. The thought of having him looking out for her, watching for those who might harm her. Suddenly, she imagined him bathed in a pale, silver light, and the look that he always gave her when he saw her and she saw him. Connection. No rejection. Untamed. Secretive. And something in those dark eyes that told her something else than what he actually spoke from his plump lips.
She began to think of it. Think of how far they've come, how far they've made it. She thought about high school starting in the fall for them. He; a Sophomore. She; a Freshman. She thought about how proud she would be to start all over again. To feel nothing for him, to start all over and take back all those things she's said.
Far too late now, isn't it, love? She thought silently to herself. She had never for a second thought as a child that she would ever gotten in this deep. She was taught as a kid that there were always happy endings. That she would get swept off of her feet by a knight in shining armor.
Her miracle. Her Knight.
Her guardian angel.
Her lover, fighter. And most of all, her best friend.
There was no turning back, no boundaries laid out. It was up to her judgment. Up to her to decide what was right and wrong. Amanda smiled. She finally had something to write about. As the blank page stared back at her passively, she began to write. The first line of her self-reflecting essay began:
She sat there and couldn't think of anything to write....
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