Young Writers Society

Jayden had it all; fame, fortune, a family. He didn't care for any of that, though. Jayden just went through life, concert after concert. Girl after girl. He really didn't care for any of them. His love for music and singing was being used and twisted for the benefit of others. He never, ever, felt love from any of his girlfriends. He just didn't feel a connection. They were the stereotypical A-listers. Blonde, pretty face, big boobs, flat stomach, long legs. Every guys dream, right? Jayden didn't care to look at them; they were all just someone to go to parties with. He never wanted to go to those parties, the girls did. They were always with him because he was handsome and rich, not caring at all about his personality.

Tonight, though, the jet black hair and emerald eyed Jayden had a concert. It wasn't his normal concert, he got a weird feeling when he walked onto that stage. He started to sing his personal favorite, which always brought a small smile to his face. Three songs passed, and yet the strange feeling in his core was still there. He leaned down to touch the hands of over excited teenage girls, looking in theirs eyes. They all thought that Jayden loved and adored everyone of them. They all thought that he thought twice about them. Until Jayden noticed this one particular girl, he hadn't cared what they thought. This girl was different. She was just standing there, looking bored. Obviously she was there with some friends. He looked in her deep blue eyes and smiled. He took her notebook, and wrote in it. He wasn't giving her his autograph, Jayden gave her something better. A note that said, Meet me bactstage after the concert. If the guards don't let you in, tell them to come get me. She read it and a frown came on her delicate features. Her blush colored cheeks reminded him of a flower petal. He grabbed her hand and kissed it, then he was off singing to other nameless girls.

After the concert, Jayden was passed out on a couch. Concerts always made him tired and thirsty. There was a commotion by the doors, and Jayden woke with a start. He looked towards the noise and saw her; the bored girl from the crowd. The guards weren't letting her in.

"Let the girl in." Jayden called.

She smiled a smile that was meant to make them eat their words. She walked to the couch, moved his legs, and sat down.

"Hi, I'm Anne." She said in a soothing voice. Jayden could tell she was shy sitting there.

"I'm Jayden."

"Yeah, I know. Why'd you want me to come back here?"

Jayden yawned and wiped the remaining sleep from his eyes. "Well," He yawned again, "You seemed interesting, different."

"Yeah, so? You look at every girl as if she is a godess, and you date heiresses. What's so special about me?"

"Sure they are pretty, but I don't think twice about them. The rest of the concert after I saw you, You were the only thing I thought of."

"Prove it."

"And since you know you cannot see yourself,
so well as by reflection, I, your glass,
will modestly discover to yourself,
that of yourself which you yet know not of. "

"Shakespeare." Anne said.

"Yeah, let's make that quote real. I promise, there will be no glitz and no glam. No fortune. I will make it all normal, as best as I can."

"You'd really give up money for one peasant girl?"

"If I think she's worth it."

"You don't know me, though." She said, swiping a lock of dark brown hair from her eyes.

"Can I get to know you?"

"Maybe."

Jayden and Anne sat there talking for an hour or so more, past midnight. Jayden didn't remember what he felt before he saw Anne in th crowd nor did he want to. Anne didn't look as bored the whole time. They ended up getting married two years later, him proving she was different. She went on tour with him, forcing him to carry on his carrer in buisness. Jayden introduces her at every concert and meeting possible. They are in love, and Jayden realized that dreams might actually come true. Every now and again, of course.

i really liked the story....
the description in the first paragraph was interesting which made me to look forward to the story....
This is a super interesting story. The description was top notch and the dialogue was crisp and believable. I really liked this, had a surreal quality about it and a curiosity that would make me keep reading if were a longer piece. You can feel the love in this story. Nice job, great writing.

Hi!

With the pacing of the story, I felt as though the beginning and the end of the story was on fast forward. I think what caused that is probably the 'telling' aspect of the story and how you've just told us the beginning and the end. In the beginning, you also info dumped us with all these information on Jayden.

Jayden had it all; fame, fortune, a family

That is telling the readers. The story is almost always better if you show us more than you tell. So, you can change that sentence to show us that he is rich, famous and have a family. Why don't you have him on a phone to his parents, wearing showy clothes and having him talk about the reporters and how they're out to get him. Or something along the lines of that. Showing is almost always more exciting, it also helps with characterisation, with telling, I find that we don't know the character as well as if we showed them what they act like.

Another thing is characterisation, I think that I didn't know Anne as well as I should've. That's probably because she isn't in the story as much. The story you have now is pretty short, so I don't think it'll hurt if you include more information on Anne in it. Tell us how she acts, what she looks like. That's another piece of information you haven't given us about Anne: her appearance. you've told us that she has dark brown hair, but nothing else. I think you can definitely include a description of Anne somewhere in there. At the moment, Anne feels a bit flat to me.

I did like the note you ended on however. How you mentioned that dreams might actually come true. I thought that was really sweet.

Your dialogue was also really good, it was realistic and your punctuation was pristine. Good job on the dialogue.

Overall, pretty sweet story. Just be careful of the pacing (even though the exciting bits are more exciting to write about, dull moments exist in stories too!) and characterisation. Other than that, this is pretty good. Keep it up!

Liked story, very cute You did a very good job with the descriptions! I could see it very vividly. The end might have been a teensy bit rushed but...that's okay I still loved it anyways. Very cute!!! I loved how you made it sound like the guy was pretty bored with life until he saw the girl Woot woot!!!! Keep up the good work!

Hello there.

He leaned down to touch the hands of over excited teenage girls, looking in their eyes.

'Their' doesn't take a 's'.

A note that said, Meet me backstage after the concert.

"Let the girl in comma," Jayden called.

"Hi, I'm Anne comma," she said in a soothing voice.

I think you get the idea... Right? So, please correct the rest.

Jayden didn't remember what he felt before he saw Anne in the crowd nor did he want to.

She went on tour with him, forcing him to carry on his career in business. Jayden introduced her at every concert and meeting possible. They were in love, and Jayden realized that dreams might actually come true. Every now and again, of course.

Like someone said, you seemed to have zoomed pass the intro and the conclusion... I think you should take a little bit more time on this, because the intro is normally one of the most important part of a story. The way you'll get your readers in. So, I recommend you talk a little bit about Jayden, maybe start with the beginning of the concert, and the autograph session. Like the way he sees all those screaming, hysteric girls. Go into his thoughts, show us how he doesn't care, instead of telling us.
Also, you can incorporate his past with girls and everything when he sees the girl, so it's in context.

I really like how you've characterize Jayden though. I think you should try to show us a little bit more of his personality then and after, instead of telling us. I also like the fact that it's an old story, but you've made it your own by adjusting a little bit with the characters and everything.

Keep writing!

-Other One