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The Other wrote:Even though the cruel winds of the spring-tide have subsided, the merciless waves of the angered sea have not yet receded. The outcrops of rocky shores are still suffering, empathising with Mermaid after having been marooned on this remote island. Mermaid can not catch sight of her Merman.
“May he have been engulfed by the furious waves?” she melancholically wonders. The last thing Mermaid remembers are Merman’s hands pushing her up to the surface.
The Other wrote:“Will the new day be ever born?” Mermaid apostrophises.
The Other wrote:“Will the neap-tide ever be there again?” “Will Mermaid ever experience Merman’s touch anew?” “Will Mermaid and Merman ever float together and tease the anxious sailors?” “Will I embrace Merman again?” “Oh, I would if I could. Yes, I would if I could.”
It's a wall of words and almost impossible to read. Ever heard of paragraphing?
Hmm... Though, I have an idea what you've attempted to describe, this first sentence should be revised or at least considered. In a single sentence, it has always been my opinion to use two adjectives and one verb, if I can help it.Even though the cruel winds of the spring-tide have subsided, the merciless waves of the angered sea have not yet receded.
Or you could simply state Mermaid is grieving; she's sad and forlorn. Sometimes by writing in the simplest terms is the best course of action, but it also depends on plot of the story and the writer themselves. For instance, if a person is genuinely sad, instead of a writer describing adjective upon adjective, let the character simply cry.Now, the tragic shades of the night have fallen, studded by the whines of bereaved insomniac night-watchers and by the vigils of occulted lovers.
“Will the new day be ever born?” Mermaid apostrophises.
“Will the neap-tide ever be there again?” “Will Mermaid ever experience Merman’s touch anew?” “Will Mermaid and Merman ever float together and tease the anxious sailors?” “Will I embrace Merman again?” “Oh, I would if I could. Yes, I would if I could.”
Even though the cruel winds of the spring-tide have subsided, the merciless waves of the angered sea have not yet receded. The outcrops of rocky shores are still suffering, empathising with Mermaid after having been marooned on this remote island. Mermaid can not catch sight of her Merman.
“May he have been engulfed by the furious waves?” she melancholically wonders.
The last thing Mermaid remembers are Merman’s hands pushing her up to the surface. He was holding her wounded tail away from the salty water; he didn’t want her to suffer more. Mermaid still keeps in mind the dusky path along the labyrinths of the deep which Merman used to merrily lead her through. She still recalls his giggles and sighs. Now, the tragic shades of the night have fallen, studded by the whines of bereaved insomniac night-watchers and by the vigils of occulted lovers.
“Will the new day be ever born?” Mermaid apostrophises.
Merman and Mermaid were only collecting conches for their upcoming wedding. They swam and swam; but the sea was too tumultuous. The deafening roaring of the waves overwhelmed them.
“But why?” Mermaid abruptly asks, wistfully begging for an answer from the all-beleaguering waters of sea. A moment of silence ensues. She passes her fingers on her blue-green scales. At that moment, Mermaid conjures up Merman’s touch when he tried an olive-green conch on her lobe prior to consummation. What a touch! It catapulted her towards the twilit skyline where only the warbles of nightingales could dissipate the eloquent dumbness of the boundless horizon.
“Will the neap-tide ever be there again?” “Will Mermaid ever experience Merman’s touch anew?” “Will Mermaid and Merman ever float together and tease the anxious sailors?” “Will I embrace Merman again?” “Oh, I would if I could. Yes, I would if I could.”
“Will the neap-tide ever be there again?” “Will Mermaid ever experience Merman’s touch anew?” “Will Mermaid and Merman ever float together and tease the anxious sailors?” “Will I embrace Merman again?” “Oh, I would if I could. Yes, I would if I could.”
“May he have been engulfed by the furious waves?” she melancholically wonders.
And so he was quiet; and that very night,
As Tom was a-sleeping, he had such a sight, -
That thousands of sweepers, Dick, Joe, Ned, and Jack,
Were all of them locked up in coffins of black.
And by came an angel who had a bright key,
And he opened the coffins and set them all free;
Then down a green plain leaping, laughing, they run,
And wash in a river, and shine in the sun.
“Will the new day be ever born?” Mermaid apostrophises.
“But why?” Mermaid abruptly asks, wistfully begging for an answer from the all-beleaguering waters of sea.
“Will the neap-tide ever be there again? Will Mermaid ever experience Merman’s touch anew? Will Mermaid and Merman ever float together and tease the anxious sailors? Will I embrace Merman again? Oh, I would if I could. Yes, I would if I could.”
Do you mean, "will the new day ever be born?" Because otherwise, I dont think it's really viable. Or are you trying to give the impression of, say, 16th century speech? The word "apostrophises" seems very Biblical somehow, lol. I'm not sure if it really fits, but I guess it goes with the overall tone of the piece.
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