Young Writers Society

Dear baby I will never meet,

Your mother and I found out you were arriving at such a bad time, but it seemed to smooth things over like a band aide. She would dance and sing around the house, preparing it for you. I was scared; I’m not going to lie. I was not ready to be a father, but with every soft kick I could feel protruding from your mother’s stomach, I became a little more confident. We would stay up all night whispering and giggling to each other about the future plans we had. You were our beautiful baby girl, and every day closer to your mothers due date was a day closer to welcoming you into our lives, becoming a family.
Then the fights started in. She caught me calling other girls, said I was cheating on her because I thought she was fat and ugly. Baby girl let me confide in you; I never cheated on your mother. I loved her very much. Maybe you can tell her that in heaven. Maybe she’ll listen to you. Those girls on my phone were friends from work, helping me become a better parent and husband-to-be. When she kicked me out I was slowly losing my whole world, but I never thought this would happen.
She called me late one night, said she was in labor. I rushed to her apartment, but when I got there your grandma was there; she wouldn’t let me see your mom, said I would cause her stress. I followed them to the hospital. I wanted to see you be born. I loved you just as much as she did. You were my baby girl; isn’t there a saying about fathers and daughters? That witch wouldn’t let me in the hospital room, said I would have to wait until you arrived to see you.
When your grandma came out and told me that your heart was slowing down and they couldn’t get it to go back up I could feel my heart, literally, break into millions of pieces, shredding my insides into a mushy pulp. I stood up, angry. I wouldn’t lose you too, but I guess I did. They laid you in your mother’s arms. The lump in my throat broke free, and I cried just like a baby. You laid there silent, like you were sleeping.
I couldn’t look into your mother’s eyes. Later that night they said she slipped into a coma from all the blood lose, but baby between you and me, she did it from heart break. Comfort her until she comes back to us, Heaven. I promise I will treat her better than before, caress and love her with all my might. Maybe God wanted us to have a trail run before we truly became parents, maybe it was to show us we aren’t meant to be, maybe it was to show us we’re soul mates, whatever the reason, I can’t live without your mother here with me. Heaven bring her back, please.

It was sad, but I got lost in the first paragraph. I ddn't know in the first place who was talking. I also saw you spelled something wrong. It said something about her dieing of blood LOSS, not lose. I really enjoyed this and I hope you keep writing!

Hello Rascalover!
First of all, this was very sad, touching, emotional, etc. After reading it I felt really bad for the MC.

Dear baby I will never meet,

I kind of understand the tone of this sentence on the fact that the MC was not given a chance to connect with a baby, but I feel it's not too affectionate. It's just not how I feel the baby should be addressed.

You were our beautiful baby girl, and every day closer to your mother's due date was a day closer to welcoming you into our lives, becoming a family.

Later that night they said she slipped into a coma from all the blood lose

So overall I really liked this story. I felt it was a very creative, unique way to tell a story and it was interesting. Your writing style is also quite impressive! There were a few typos, however. Another thing is your comma usage. Sometimes, they were too many or incorrectly used. I overlooked them because I took this as a general letter written at the spur of the moment by the MC.

One thing I would suggest is to clarify things a little with the story.

Maybe you can tell her that in heaven. Maybe she’ll listen to you.

You mention this and my initial reaction is that the mother had died along with the baby, only to find out that she's in a coma. Is it because the MC believes dead spirits can communicate with people in a comma?

Other than that, this was really good. I hope I could help.

Keep writing and good luck!

Hello there.

Your mother and I found out you were arriving at such a bad time, but it seemed to smooth things over like a band aid.

I know this is a silly mistake, but I still wanted to point it out, because I like being silly.

You were our beautiful baby girl, and every day closer to your mother's due date was a day closer to welcoming you into our lives, becoming a family.

Later that night they said she slipped into a coma from all the blood loss, but baby comma, between you and me, she did it from heart break.

This was a emotional story, and I really liked it. I like the fact that it's a letter from the Dad to the dead baby, and we really see his emotions throughout his sentences and choice of words.

Keep writing!

-Other One

Thank you so much guys! I'm glad you enjoyed reading it.

Hey there!

I think you have a pretty sad piece here.

The nit-piks I were going to mention have already been caught, but I still wanted to point this out to you -

The daddy you never seen

'seen' would be better as 'saw'

they couldn’t get it to go back up I could feel my heart

This may just be me being overly picky, but I think adding 'own' after 'my' would be better. You already mention the word 'heart' in the sentence, so it'll help it seem less repetitive.

The emotions were great and I could feel the loss, especially when you talked about his heart breaking into pieces. Very effective description.

I would maybe like to have seen him talk about regret. Maybe saying that he wished he hadn't rung the women from work. Then his wife wouldn't have found out and maybe they would have still been together and the baby wouldn't have died. You don't have to, as this is only a suggestion, but I think it would add another set of thoughts and emotions to the story. Almost as if he blames himself for what happened.

As it is though, you have an great emotional piece that's well written

xDudettex

I really liked you're story, you spelt some words incorrectly, but they have already been said so i won't repeat.
To improve, I think you could describe what he was doing, and more how he was feeling. It feels like there was a bit too much tension, maybe you could give them a little more hope? As if the baby girls heartbeat increased for a minute, but then dropped back down.. and then he could cry? Just a suggestion

Carry on writing, many loves <3