Young Writers Society

[DELETED]

Hello Todd,
First off, let me say that this is a pretty solid story. I only review things that I like in the first place, and this is the first thing that I've felt compelled to review today.
Second, your story is obviously written by a teenager, about a teenager, for other teenagers to read. This happens to be my least favorite kind of story. Something about teenage romance really irritates me-- so if that comes out in my critique, don't take it personally. I'll try to be as objective as possible.

thatoddkid wrote:Your big brown eyes, bright as fireworks, looked bashfully up into my own as you thanked me in a whisper.

This description doesn't do it for me. Have you ever seen brown fireworks? Me neither(even though your talking about the brightness, it doesn't work because the eyes are brown). I know brown eyes are hard because they don't really speak for themselves the way blue or green or even hazel eyes do. But try to tie in the brightnesswith the brown-- or go for something else, like dewy.

thatoddkid wrote:Later that night, when you called from the crack in my hotel door, I tried to hide my copy of Great Expectations before you walked in. But no – with willowy fingers, you lightly pushed the door open, your sparkling eyes settling on the sight of a tall, slender, bespectacled boy, one hand wrestling with a stubborn drawer and the other holding a book the size of a boulder.

I don't really like this passage. First I have a hard time understanding what you mean when you say "called from the crack in my hotel door."
I don't like willowy fingers.I know what you're trying to get at but slender or something less convoluted would work here as well.
When she settles her sparkling eyes on you, say it's you. Because I don't know if you realize that you went from first person to like first-person omniscient. You can't actually see what she notices about you, so you have to add a kind of disclaimer.
"Your sparkling eyes settled on me, the tall, slender, bespectacled boy trying to wrestle a stubborn drawer with one hand and holding a boulder-sized book in the other."
I also don't like the phrase boulder-sized or book the size of a boulder. You can easily go with a hefty book or anything that isn't boulder.

Those are pretty much the only nitpicks. Now for the general:

I like the use of the first person, but not of the you. The you here makes it feel so intensely personal, it kind of shuts everyone else out from understanding the emotions, and it gives the passage an almost voyeuristic feel, like we're experiencing something we shouldn't.
Another thing is the bedroom scene could be expanded a little bit, and you could explain the emotions or motivations of the protagonist a little more. I'm not exactly sure why he lied to April or why she knew, so if you just added a little more it would clear up a lot of confusion.
Lastly, if you could make it clear from the beginning that they were on a school trip, or just a little sooner. When they went from the town to the hotel I thought this was a story of two adults.

That's all the critiques I have. But as for the good things: the use of language was very nice, not too purple-prosy but not sparse, the first person was very realistic. The story was short but beautiful and to the point.
I hope this was some help to you, and I encourage you to keep doing what you're doing.

Hi. Good morning/afternoon/night/whatever it may be, wherever you are. I really enjoyed this piece, but at the same time, I was lost.

I liked it because it was very descriptive and I could feel you. I could feel your emotions, and your sadness. There was something hidden behind those words. You definitely have a way with words. At times I felt that I was intruding that feeling. It was so strong and personal that I felt like I wasn't meant to experience it. But also, that was the beauty of it - how strong it was. Sorry if I'm making this confusing. Maybe it's just me, but it was hard to determine the gender of the characters.

For a quick write, this is very good. The descriptions are top-notch. You just need a little more foundation. You already have the pretty shingles. um, sorry I'm starting to compare this to a house. maybe I should stop now. :P

Keep writing, because I know you have something. (:

I absolutely love this! It's so sad, but cute. You can really feel the connection between the two characters and the emotion behind it. You have such a way with words, I love your writing.
Well done.

I really think this was quite good. I thought it needed more of a story, some history, or to be longer, that was only because I wanted to read more of it. Truthfully it's damn near perfect the way it is. I think that there was a lot of emotion behind this and some raw feelings that went a long way to support the story. Overall, I liked it and I wish there was more but its fine how it is.

Always, Writer.

Heyy buddy =] I thought this was lovely, absolutely spectacular. I absolutley love your descriptions and the willowy fingers was actually one of my favorite lines, don't mean to disagree with your first review and all.. but yeah. =]

I would have liked to have a bit of a hint as to where exactly they are, its somewhere new, you tell us that, but what are they all there for? Actually, ignore all of that. I like that you don't explain too much. And you dropped a boulder size hint when talking about Great Expectations =]

This is really lovely and I enjoyed it fairly thoroughly. Keeep writing =]

Hey, I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed reading your piece. It was very well written and the characters seemed very cute, but I was also a bit lost. I'm not totally sure who the characters are as people or even what their names are. Why are the two main characters going to be separated? What's their individual story? Are they in college? High school? Maybe you're going to answer these questions in the next chapter? Either way, what you did write was very good. Keep it up!

This is a really fantastic piece and it really drew me into the world of your characters! I would love to read a continuation of this story.
However, I also felt like there were just a couple tiny things that could be change to better your story. I was a little lost while I was reading and felt like a few major details were missing (ie. their ages) Also, it seemed a little like your writing style was inconsistent. At some points in your story, you were very vague about details and other times you were unusually specific (inserting the names of particular video games, books, teachers, etc.) I think it may read a little better if you edit a few parts so the story feels more connected.
All in all it was a really great story and you portrayed the romantic aspect of it extremely well! I would absolutely love to read more!

That was a great piece of writing. It's personal and real and you know it when you read it. Regarding the first reply: keep the "you." This story is a window into a little moment of someone's life, that sense of "voyeurism" needs to be there, otherwise the personal feeling would be lost somewhat.

I am a little unsure about the ending. As a reader I was engaged and interested throughout, but the ending just sort of puts you down gently. Then again, I suppose thats how the narrator would have felt at that moment...Just something to consider.

AM

Very touching.... I've never read anything like this before, but I love it! It's been very descriptive.... with metaphors and similes. You certainly have a way with words.

This was a great story that was simple in its own elegant way!

I don't really have anything to review, but there are a couple of questions I just want to ask (my way of analyzing your story I guess).

First of all, did you put in a theme of helplessness in the embodiment of being a teenager?
Like all literature, since you have to offer proof, I'm going to!

Maybe we were drunk, intoxicated with the magnificence of the unfamiliar city, the thrill of breaking the rules, and the freedom we found in each other%u2019s company.

The fact of an unfamiliar city, indicates that the characters (teenagers) have lived very protected lives in their own bubbles. This is, in my opinion, a hint that underlies the theme of teenagers unable to do things their way.

Another definite clue is this line:

But we were not allowed to be alone with another person. Even though we had ignored that rule earlier, you wouldn’t take the risk with a teacher only two doors down.

As young adults, they are restrained by their consciousness of an authority, in this case the teacher.

Lastly, I thought this was also a subtle suggestion:

My mother saw me, and, despite my protests, she dragged me off to her waiting car.

I think there are a couple of spins with this one. For instance, the question of who drives the car. Obviously, to support my own theory, the mother drives the car. It was also important that you used the verb "dragged" which suggests against his will.

I also like the flow of the story. Although the ending is nothing new, you manage to build up the story little by little - enough so that we wish the ending we see isn't the one that results. But you don't relieve us the way a disney movie might, there is no happy ending and we can't really feel wronged because you warned us from the beginning.
The hints of forewarning:

We hugged like we would never see each other again.
After the next day, we wouldn’t.

Also, call me a NERD who picks too much out of things, but do I see a parallel with your reference to Great Expectations? In my memory, the guys pines away after a girl who always plays with him. But the main point, is that even at the end of the novel, they never get together, and essentially the boy's Great Expectations of his mysterious benefactor and destined relationship with the girl gets crushed.

The only thing I didn't like about this story was one line:

I wish I was another boy, a boy that would’ve pulled you tight and pressed his lips against yours.

I think you need to explain this point somehow. Like, what do you mean that he wishes he were another boy?

Great story, hope this review/analysis helps!!!
(P.S., Do you remember me?)

Bravo Bravo! Omg awww this is a sad-ish romantic story! I love it and I have no comments to make on it. Wonderful writing Great job!

Keep on Writing
-Roxy