Young Writers Society

This was the day. The day it would all change, and the day I would finally have the courage to take her in my arms. It had taken way too long, and I knew deep down that I would loose her if I didn't take the situation in my hands.

I had been talking and flirting with her for almost three months, and not even a kiss had been shared yet. Like seriously, what are you waiting for? I had decided that this afternoon would be different, and nothing I wanted to day or do would be pushed back inside of my mind. Every compliment, every whisper, every kiss would be given to her without an hesitation.

My heartbeat was picking up as my hand ran down her arm, slowly, carefully. Afraid I was going to wake her up with all the excitement in my chest, I pulled my hand back down by my side, settling on only looking at her.

It was dark in my room, but I didn’t care. My eyes had grown accustomed to the dimness of the light. The shadows covering her body were like dark ink on her cream colored skin, on her closed eyes, her cheekbones, in the crease of her arms. My hand itched to touch every one of these black stains, like I was fascinated by them, almost like I was an artist studying his canvas after a long day of painting. I forced myself to stay put, and looked around my room to distract myself.

The sun was blazing outside, replicating the heat and light that seemed to glow inside of me. I had pulled the blinds shut when we had walked in earlier today; feeling like the glowing light was too much for her gentle eyes.

But now that she was asleep, and those eyes were closed against everything on the outside, I wanted to go and see this intriguing ball of fire. The trick of light playing on the houses surrounding mine seemed suddenly captivating. I needed to go and see if the world had truly ceased in the few hours we had been talking and laughing. I had to see if I was the only one in the world who felt like this.

This weightless feeling, like nothing in the world could bother me anymore. Like I was above everything, floating just over ground level. The smile that could never leave my lips, even if I tried to make it go away. Yes, this feeling of absolute joy that I hoped would follow me for the rest of my days. I've never felt so happy, and I never wanted it to go.

I slowly got up, making sure not to touch her. Once on my feet, I silently crossed the room, and pulled back a corner of the blinds, squinting at the rays of sun penetrating the window. The blue sky seemed so perfect. A few children were on their bicycles and an old couple were sitting on their lawn, talking. The perfect day. So it’s not just me, I told myself, smiling. I heard the rustling of sheets behind my back, and her breath picking up a notch.

I turned around, a smile taking its place on my lips even though I tried to stop it. She was sitting on my bed, a pillow in her arms.

“I’m sorry I fell asleep.” She blushed when my eyes took her in and watched her lips move at every word. I dragged them back to her eyes, feeling like I was making her uncomfortable.

“I thought I was boring.” I laughed and she joined in, motioning for me to sit by her side. I did, taking a deep breath to try to calm my heart that was beating faster at every step. The smile hadn’t yet left my lips, and my cheeks were hurting, but I didn’t care.

I took her hand in mine, looking down at it and then looking back up with a questioning gaze. “Can I?”

“Of course,” she replied, her white teeth showing in her bright smile. My hands were sweating, but I realized hers where too. I tried to push away that stupid smile since I probably looked like an idiot.

I peeped at the clock on my bedside table and almost jumped when I saw the time. “My parents are coming back home soon.”

Her eyes were big with surprise, and just as she opened her mouth to talk, the sound of a car coming up my driveway came to my ears. I took her hand, pulling her to me and lifting her up into my arms. She shrieked in my ear as I walked to my closet to hide her in. She looked at me before I closed the door, and the front door of my house opened. Watching her like this and remembering my vow to be fearless, I couldn’t help but smile and lean down so my lips touched hers. She pushed forward slightly and I closed my eyes, emerging myself in the moment, and in the feel of her soft, gentle lips on mine.

I could smell her like a flower beside my cheeks; it was intoxicating, making me feel dizzy. She pushed me away, eyeing the door. I could hear footsteps coming down the hallway, and going back down the stairs. My parents were probably searching for something, and I was sure they would soon come and see me to say ‘hello’, but I didn’t want to hide her. Her mouth was still pulling me in, a magnet that would always keep me close to her.

I kissed her once more, and my hand was still clenched on the handle of my closet, willing to close the door. I started to, the wood panel coming close to our heads, but it resigned when my face went closer to hers, pushing her to the back of the closet, our lips still together in a never ending kiss.

Her hands came to my shoulders, pushing me once again, and I heard my mom calling my name.

“Stephan!” I detached myself from her and turned around. The voice was close, maybe in the room beside my own.

She took hold of my hand and the handle clasped inside of it, and closed the door. The last of her I saw was her guilty smile.

I took a step back, hesitating, and then, getting close again to try to open the door one more time. I couldn’t open it though; she was holding the doors together. I could hear her laughing at my despair.

“Leila...” She snorted at the sound of her name, laughing a little bit harder. When the footsteps died away in front of my door, I stopped rattling the doors to my closet, running to my bed and taking a random book in my hands. When I threw myself on the mattress, my mom opened the door, her eyes searching my room. I heard hangers clatter and fall in my closet, and I tried to hide a smile in vain. It wasn't funny, really, but I still couldn't help myself. I always laughed at the most inconvenient moments and most of my friends found it annoying. Of course, it always happened when one of them was begin grounded or yelled at by their parents.

I avoided my mother's gaze, focusing on a page in my book. Page 97, which I had just read a few weeks ago as an assignment for my English class. I didn't dare look up to my mother when I heard her sigh, but I could see from the corner of my eyes that a crease was forming in between her brows. That wasn't a good sign. My heart picked up a beat as I realized that maybe she had heard Leila, and knew there was someone in there.

"Hey mom, how was the shopping?" I said to distract her, never leading my eyes away from the page. My mom took a step in my room.

"It was great, thanks for asking." She smiled, taking a few more steps so she could sit on my bed. "Your father would like to go with you one day. There's this superb sport shop that he thinks you would love." She gazed at me for a few seconds, analyzing me.

"I know you're seventeen and you probably don't want to spend an entire day with your dad, but it would really make him happy," she continued. I nodded, smiling at her.

"Of course I could go." Anything to make her leave my room, I thought hastily. She got up and walked to the door. She was about to close the door when she stopped dead in her tracks, looking back at me. Her eyes weren't focused on me, but rather on my closet.

"And tell your friend she's welcome to stay for dinner." At that, she closed the door, her face hard and emotionless peeking one lass time inside of my room. I cursed at myself mentally. My mother always seemed to know everything, and I never could keep something from her. In some way, it was almost funny. I could feel my cheeks burning, and my heart was squeezing in the most uncomfortable way, so different from what I felt a few hours back. I knew that from the moment she talked to my dad, I would be grounded for life. But at least, they wouldn't be grounding me in front of Leila.

She came out of the closet, her eyes shining in a way I've never seen.

"I'm so sorry, I should've..." She drifted off, leaving me to fill the silence.

"Don't be sorry. At least stay for dinner."

"Maybe that way, they'll forget," she said, laughing.

"Of course they won't, but I want you to stay." A few more hours with her would make whatever was my punishment all worth it.

I feel like the end is missing something, and I would like it to be perfect before I actually submit it... (I know it's impossible to write a perfect story ) If you have any suggestions or comments, please say so, I would be happy to take them in consideration.

PS: My emotion for the contest is joy... And the song I used was Heartbeat by Stereo Skyline. Let me tell you, it's pretty hard to maintain the main emotions throughout the conflict and everything...

Thanks in advance!

I agree, the ending is missing some sot of relief maybe, something to sign off with. But it doesn't matter! You are a very talented person. This wouldn't be good as an intro, persay, but maybe for a 4th chapter perhaps. Overall a very good start. All you need to do now is write up an intro which hooks- then you're on your way. Keep up the good work.

Hey otherone!

I'm always happy to read and review a piece of your writing, especially since you always do such an awesome job on reviewing my work

So, nit-piks first -

and looked around to distract myself.

I think you could maybe add a little more to this sentence. Maybe something like - 'and looked around my room to distract myself.' It's not necessary, but I think it would help let the reader know where the scene is taking place, before you go on to mention the bed.

replicating the heat and light that seemed to light up inside of me.

Using 'light' twice in this sentence is a little repetitive. I'd suggest switching one of the 'light's to another word.

I wanted to go see this intriguing ball of fire.

I needed to go see if the world had truly

Okay, so this may just be because I'm British, but I think you need to add 'and' between 'go' and 'see' in both of the sentences that I've quoted. I think using 'go see' would be okay when written in dialogue, but in the narration, I don't think it works.

I had to see if I was the only one in the world who felt like this.

Felt like what? I'd like some more information here, please. Maybe a little description of the things he's feeling.

On my feet

Try, 'Once on my feet'

I crossed silently the room,

'silently crossed' would work better.

The blue sky seemed so perfect, a few children on their bicycles and an old couple sitting on their lawn, talking.

This is too much of a run on sentence. I think it would work better like this -

'The blue sky seemed so perfect. A few children were on their bicycles and an old couple were sitting on their lawn, talking.'

of the sheets

Nix 'the'

her breath picking up a beat.

This is probably just me, but I don't think 'beat' works here. You could try something like 'touch' or 'notch' instead. It's up to you though - it's your story.

at every words.

'words' should be 'word'

were hurting but I didn’t care.

Comma before 'but'

I took her hand in mine, looking down at it and then looking back up with a questioning gaze.

I probably looked like an idiot

I looked at my clock

I noticed that throughout the story, you used 'look' or 'looked' quite a lot. Sometimes 'looked' is better than a more descriptive word, but when used a lot it can get a tad repetitive. You could change some of the 'look's in the sentences that I've quoted above. E.g -

'I glanced at my clock'

I looked at my clock on my bedside table

The first 'my' could be changed to 'the' to stop the use of 'my' twice.

it was intoxicating me, making me feel dizzy.

You could nix the first 'me'

eying the door

'eyeing'

I started too

'to'

her laugh at my

'laughing'

looked confused, as her mouth opened

You don't need the comma.

Leila opened them slowly

I got confused at what 'them' were and had to re-read the paragraph to understand. I think it would be better if you changed 'them' to 'the doors'

***

I get what you mean about the ending. It's just sort of... an anti-climax. We have this tension, wondering whether the Mother will catch them both, but then it's almost like that wasn't worth the bother as the Mum was so relaxed about it anyway. You mention the MC saying that he knew the Mum wouldn't kick his girlfriend out and, if he knew that in the first place, why did he make such a fuss of hiding her?

I think the tension, with the Mother coming back, could be a lot more dramatic. The story is called 'Heartbeat,' so I think you should play to that. Have him say that his heart was racing at the thought of his mum finding his girlfriend. You don't have to go overboard and make the piece overdramatic, but he seems too relaxed about it all. And if that's the case, why is he so intent on hiding her?

I didn't enjoy this story as much as I usually enjoy your work, and I think it's because this doesn't really have much in the way of a plot. Yes, he wants to hide the girl from his Mum, but why? Is he worried about what she'll say? If so, play on that. Have it show in his thoughts. Also, I want more on how he feels about this girl he's got in his room. We know almost nothing about their relationship. We don't even know if they're dating or not. At the moment, it feels like the whole thing is too rushed. I love how you write and express emotions in your other pieces and it's a shame that this story hasn't been written with the same zing. I think that's what it's missing - life. There's no rushing or fast pace when it comes to hiding her. There's no heart in the mouth moment for the reader when the Mum opens the door and the hangers clatter to the floor.

I hope I don't sound like I didn't enjoy reading this, because I did. I really do enjoy your work. It just seems like this piece is missing your usual charm and sparkle. I hope that, with my advice, you can make it another one of your great pieces.

What contest is this for? Was the heartbeat thing a prompt? I'm just curious as I think that could also effect the way you write and express your story.

EDIT - I've discovered what contest this is for. I clicked the link you posted on your wall so I didn't see that you'd written in until I went back to the forum afterwards. So, instead I'd like to know what your emotion was and what song you used. I could maybe add some more pointers in then

I hope you do enter this in the contest. Good luck with editing and making this piece shine

I hope this review helps!

xDudettex