Young Writers Society

I remember when I first met you. It was in the seventh grade, and I was the new kid. I was assigned the desk next to yours. You looked over at me with inquisitive blue eyes, and introduced yourself as Hanna. You proceeded to ask me questions about my family, my hobbies, etc. I answered them catiously at first, then loosened up quickly. When the lunch bell rang, we sat beside each other. It was that day that you became my best friend.

It was our freshman year when you met Mike. He was charming, funny, and polite. He held your books, opened the doors for you, even walked you to class. It was obvious he fancied you. I hated him.

When I told you that he liked you, you laughed. You reassured me that he was just a friend. I didn't believe you. I remember when you called me at one in the morning, saying that Mike has asked you out and you said yes. I forced a lump down my throat and faked happiness, congratulating you weakly. Everytime we talked, all you did was gush about him. When you said, in a confident voice, that you loved him, I snapped. I told you that you were being stupid, that you've only been dating him for a month. You snarled that I didn't like him just because he's better than me. We got into this heated argument that left you in tears, and me feeling like an ass. It was that fateful day that we fell apart. After that day, everything went downhill.

I should've seen it from the start. Mike started getting possesive when I stopped hanging out with you. He called you every ten minutes, demanding to know where you where at. He was always by your side, and forbid you from hanging out with friends. It was when you started wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses that I got suspisious. You hated baseball and loathed wearing glasses. After stopping you in the hallway, I forced you to take the glasses and hat off. You had a black eye. I demanded to know who did it. 'Was it Mike?' You shook your head and looked down, crying quietly. I held you close and promised to fix it. You replied that I need not, that you were going to break up with him. I can't believe I let you go, by yourself, to face him. I should've called the police, a counselor, someone. I didn't know that I was the last one to see you alive.

The police report says that you approached him, telling him that it was over, not knowing that he had a loaded gun. He tried the regret route, promising to change. When you said no and tried to leave, he got violent. He hit you, but this time you fought back, which only enraged him. He then shot you four times.

I'm so sorry... It's all my fault. I loved you, but I wasn't there to help you when you needed me. I should've been there to save you. I should've told you this before; maybe you felt the same way. As I sit beside your grave, writing this letter and crying like a baby, I feel like dying. But I know you would want me to continue on. So, I will live and go on with my life. Because I love you; always have, always will. Someday, we'll be together. Someday.

J.D.

***

This was for a contest. My emotion was love. The featured song was Face Down by Red Jumpsuit Appartus. Hope you liked it! - Ariel.

Awww, this kind of situation always breaks my heart. When a girl's best friend hides his feeling and then completely regrets it later on. Your piece was very nice, but it didn't ooze out love. It was sweet, but it being a final letter to someone the character truly loved, it could have been just a bit more convincing. There was only one obvious error and that was...

I should've seen it from the start. Mike started getting possesive when I stopped hanging out with you. He called you every ten minutes, demanding to know where you was.

was should be were. Since, you know, this is past tense. Good job, and good luck with the contest!!

I don't know what this new fad is for writing this in the second person. I've never seen it in a book, only occasionally in published poems. So for some reason when I read something in the second person (referring to "you") it just gives off an aura of a teenage writer.
Which is maybe what you want. I personally would go for limited third. (He wrote the letter to her, stopping occasionally when he simply couldn't go on, throwing the pen down and putting his head in his arms, trying to collect his thoughts,ect.)
This way, you could have some snippets of this as "He" is writing, but then add some more personal touches of how this is affecting him. I think this would really add emotional resonance to your story; right now the end comes a little too quickly where we were just getting attached to the story when it ends. You didn't say if your story had to be any length; if you don't want to change the perspective I would think about just lengthening it, adding more details.
Besides that, you have a solid story that really fits your prompt.
Good luck

Nice story but I found it too short.

Just when I was getting into the story it came to an abrupt end. Also though the story didn't have enough emotions, maybe if you lengthen the story it will have more emotions.

Also I agree with empressoftheuniverse that this story would be better if you write it in the third person. You will have more scope to put in the guy's emotion.

Well, thats all. I liked your story and do keep writing.

Wow...I was in tears by the end of that story. I almost saw it coming, Hanna being killed and all but I didn't want to believe it. This makes me want to do something about abusive relationships, because I've been in them before and I know how that feels. Once you have been in one, you will never forget it without counseling and everything. Sad, yet beautifully written short story. I loved it.

Woah. The emotion in this is powerful. It made my insides feel all tight, and my heart sort of skip a beat. This is great. I love it. Only thing I would say is; it could be longer. I would love to read a longer version of this!
If you ever do decide to extend, do tell me.

This kind of situation can be really heart breaking. Especially, when written with so much feelings, you can't help but end up in tears after reading it. The story was very tragic. And written very beautifully. It can't be called 'short', as someone above me has. It had a perfect length. Nice work.

So, hello there!

You have a very concept here, but I think that there is a lot that you can do with it; I listened to the song and can definitely see where you got your inspiration. I really wanted to love this piece, but something about it is surprisingly emotionless. I can picture the scene occurring and I do feel a little bit sad, but I don't feel like I know these characters well enough to really feel attached to what's going on. It feels like somewhat of a disconnected memory, but I want for it to feel like a full memory. I like the second person, but I'm not sure about the letter format; I know that you could probably make it work, but right now, it lends itself to a lot of telling instead of showing, which takes away from the piece.

You don't have to necessarily incorporate dialogue, but you know how sometimes you'll always remember the exact words someone says? Maybe something that Hanna said to your narrator has always stuck with him for some reason or another. I would try to incorporate some happiness in this as well -- maybe memories of fun times he had with Hanna, why he likes her in the first place. I'd also like to know more about Mike. Right know he feels one dimensional; a stereotypical bad guy that's just supposed to move the story along. There are people like him in the world, so I would try to develop his character a little more, maybe show the narrator's observations as the relationship between him and Hanna progresses and changes. What exactly made him shift?

With a little bit of revision, I think that you can make this into a really strong and powerful piece. Hope this review helps you -- feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

~ Elinor

Oooh this was sweet! Herat-breaking indeed. I loved this part: "It was obvious he fancied you. I hated him."

Also, first person narration works best with this kind of stories! You've chosen the point of view wisely.

I could feel the emotion you've put into this piece of writing. Short story, but concentrated. Well done! I would sure love to see this turned into a young adult novel.

Hey, Mockingjay!

I have to admit I peeked into the ending disclaimer before reading the story, so I knew your emotion was love when I started reading this. I don't know the song, so I'm not going to go into its compatibility with the story.

Your emotion was love, but all in all, I was a teensy bit disappointed. Love is so much more than just high school drama, which this seemed a little like, so I was hoping you would've been a bit more creative with the emotion that is said to conquer all. I'm not saying that the setting you chose was a bad one - though I probably would've chosen otherwise - but even so, it could've had much more passion in it. I know love doesn't necessarily equal passion, but they often go hand in hand - where there's one, there's the other one often as well. Why does he love Hanna so much and how does it show, other than hating Mike? If it really is love, it shouldn't come out through a third party or an outsider, because when you love someone, you love them for them and you know it even if you don't have to feel jealousy about them, like the narrator felt toward Mike.

The story is titled Dear Hanna, and love is between two people, so it was quite surprising that this was almost entirely about Mike. I know you'd probably argue with me on this, say that it was about Hanna, and that Mike doesn't matter that much, but he is present way too much to not matter.

What is it about Hanna that he loves? Does she have some characteristic little quirks that get him every time, or does she remind him of a fragile fairy or a good-natured princess of a fairytale? I think you should add some of these kind of things, because right now, I don't know Hanna at all. I only know Mike and the narrator.

Good luck in the contest!


Demeter
x

Hey there!

Nice idea for a story you have here

I agree with Elinor though, in that this could be so much more. It's way to telly, and I found myself wanting you to replay the fight through actions - like having the dialogue, rather than just telling the reader that it had been a bad argument. I couldn't connect with the character's enough to care that they stopped being friends.

Also, I'd have loved to see you add in more memories. Like at the start. Add in what they did together. Did they used to hang out at each other's houses, watching TV and chatting about their most hated teacher? Did they study together on weekends? etc. It's only small details, but it'll help give a backgroud to their friendship.

I'd like to see more about what the MC liked about Hanna too. Did he like that she was kind, pretty, thoughtful? This story is supposed to be about love. Show us the love. Show us how much he loved her by giving us some reasons why.

To me, the second half of the piece was less about love and more about regret. I just wanted to mention this, seeing as the story was supposed to convey love throughout. I don't want the main theme to be about him regretting not saving her. To help with this, you could always add in some of his feelings towards the end. What did it feel like when he saw the news report. Did he bawl his eyes out? Slam a fist on a table? Feel his heart breaking inside of him? The reader needs more and if you give it to them, I'm sure they'll start to feel more towards your character's and start to care that one of them died, leaving the other one in dispair and regret.

I hope this helps and good luck in the contest!

xDudettex

Hey Ariel! <3 I remembered you mentioning that you've posted two pieces, and since it's a Review Day, I thought I might bounce here to review. Good thought, naa?

Overall:

Well, well, not bad at all after your Writer's Block, Ariel. Not at all bad. Like every piece this one too had its plus and negative points, but it still appealed to me. Your writing style in itself was simple but yet captivating. Seriously, if I had to attempt this story, my method might have been a bit different, but that doesn't mean that I didn't like 'your' method. On the other hand, I felt it was too much of 'telling'. I know it would seem weird if you were to show to us in a letter, but then again you have a solution for even that. I'd suggest you try to maybe change the format. Why I am saying this is because writing a letter has become quite cliched. It's not the first time I'm reading a story in a letter format. Even though you didn't make it all letter type with Dear and all that in the text itself, it still is a letter.

The story in itself, even though touching and emotional, is not that unique. You've had several instances of domestic violence or relation abuse for reading and this was also a same story though told from someone else's POV, which made it seem unique. So, in such a case what you can do is to change the style of narration and make 'that's innovative.

One last thing I'd like to say, before I switch to good points, is that you had a slight issue with tenses. I've tried pointing them out. Don't fret or worry upon it because it wasn't a big issue, but I just wanted to warn you about it. I am sure that it was just an overlook.


On the other hand, I really felt the person's grief. I was literally thinking how would things have been if he had stopped Hanna from going and taught Mike a lesson on his own. Also, I felt so warm reading how this guy loved her and how it killed him to be not able to help her out. It was a dramatic emotional story, and if you change the style or play more with words, emotions, I am sure this can turn out to be a really fantastic read. '

As others have said, probably you could add in much more to it. What's your word limit? I think you can play more with emotions. If you're trying changing the style then you might be able to add in much more than what you are able to now. For me, the story in itself was touching, even though it was cliched, but your writing didn't come to me that clear. I wasn't moved by your writing as such but by that story.

I hope I wasn't rude or harsh and you find this review helpful.

Take care,
MIa

You made me cry! This is such a powerful piece of writing as I believe that it really captures the writer's heart and makes them feel like they are witnessing all of this.
Truly brilliant :') x

Wow.. this was so good! There was a lot of strong emotion throughout. By the end I actually thought I was going to cry. I think if you continued writing, I would have. That's really my only issue with this piece, that it ended too quickly. I liked how it was short, but I also think you could have done more of carried it out. I thought that when the emotion was at it's highest and strongest point, was when you ended it. However, it's always good to end a story on a high note
So personally I wouldn't change it, I really enjoyed it!

This line was definitely one of my favourites:

He was charming, funny, and polite. He held your books, opened the doors for you, even walked you to class. It was obvious he fancied you. I hated him.

Ahahahah! It actually made me laugh.. reminds me of something me or one of my friends would say.

Oh! and that reminds me of another thing.. I actually thought that the narrator was a girl. It wasn't until I read some of the other reviews that I realized it was a guy. Opps.. guess I am a little slow, but maybe see if you can make that a little more obvious for the oblivious like myself. However, even thinking that it was just a girl best friend,this piece was still very powerful.

There were two little nitpicks that I found:

I remember when you called me at one in the morning, saying that Mike had asked you out and you said yes.

Past tense

He called you every ten minutes, demanding to know where you where at.

I don't think you should have the "at" at the end. Not entirely sure, but it sounds a little weird.

Anyways, overall lovely piece! Can't wait to read more from you

*btw... I love that song <3
recongnized the lyrics as soon as I read them..good choice (;

This brought tears in my eyes. Maybe I'm just really emotional today...anyways this was so good. One of the best short stories I've ever read. I loved the way you wrote it. In one part though you spelt cautiously wrong. Please tell me if you write any other stories!

-Pshh