Young Writers Society

Dear Brandon,

I hate you. I mean those three letters with passion. I've had a crush on you since elementary school. It seemed that I could never get your attention. Every single day when I said hi to you, you get my name wrong every single time. My name is not Stacy, Bella, or Sarah! It's S-T-E-L-L-A, Stella. Every girl in school was putty in your hands. You flirt with every one of them except for me. I asked why didn't you give me as much attention and you replied to me by calling me ugly and weird. I hurt but I still wanted to be your only girl.

I hate you. When middle school came, you became more arrogant. Almost three times as many girls liked you yet you treated them like dirt. I thought I had a chance with being your girlfriend once I got my braces off. My face was much more prettier but you still called me weird and said nobody liked me. I run to the bathroom and cry everytime I see you with another girl. You still didn't remember my name but you cheat off of my homework. You were a jerk but I still wanted to be your only girl.

I hate you. In highschool you were the jock a.k.a full time player. All girls still wanted you and all guys wanted to be you. This year I grew boobs and wore sluttier clothing. THIS finally got your attention. Once you asked me out I was thrilled! I was the most happiest girl in the world. Everytime I call you said you were busy then I thought that was fine because guys like you were busy. Hell yeah you were. Does the name Olivia ring a bell? If it doesn't then why did SHE had to tell me that you had sex with her? I was heartboken because I thought you needed more action from me.

I hate you so much. You took away my virginity. I was stupid enough to let you. Ever since then I couldn't stop thinking about you because you were still inside of me. You were connected to me! Yet you still go behind my back and sleep with other girls. I made a very stupid mistake to ever go out with jerks like you. Remember that bruise on my face that you left me? Once I tried breaking up with you hit me across the face. No one has ever touched me in that manner. I cry in my room every night thinking about you. Not even in a good way either. That fantasy of us being together was suddenly gone. Yet, I still wanted to be your only girl.

I hate you so god damn much. You hurt me emotionally and physically. You wanted sex yet I didn't. You raped me Brandon. Is your head too thick to know what that means? I haven't told anyone...yet. I've never threatened to tell because I was still afraid that you would hit me. I haven't moved from my bed in months because of you. You never checked on me to see if I was okay or alive. Why bother going out with me? Those other girls...can have you.

Brandon, I've moved to Carolina to start a new life. All those memories in Florida won't matter to me anymore. I'm happy here, I've made a lot of friends, and I am currently dating someone else. The reason why I wrote you this letter is because I wanted my first crush and boyfriend to know I am living a way better life without you. As much as it hurts to say but I hope best wishes come for you soon.

-Stella

Hey there! ^_^ So I'mma break this down into individual comments first, and then give you a more holistic view. Awesome? Awesome! Let's go!

I mean those three letters with passion.

I think you mean 'words.' ^_~

Almost three times as many girls liked you yet you treated them like dirt.

This attempt to quantify things feels awkward and out of place; if you're going to be vague, do it in a way that doesn't hint at specificity. I.e., "even more," rather than "three times as many."

In highschool you were the jock a.k.a full time player.

A.k.a is awkward; reword! Also, it's a little bit of a weak connection since there are athletes who aren't players, and players who aren't athletes -- using the 'a.k.a.' implies that all athletes are players and all players are athletes. It would work better if you made it some version of 'in addition to' rather than 'therefore.'

If it doesn't then why did SHE had to tell me that you had sex with her?

Wrong tense! 'Had' should be 'have.'

Ever since then I couldn't stop thinking about you because you were still inside of me.

'Couldn't' should be 'can't,' but I do love the imagery of Brandon still inside Stella even after the rape occurs; it's evocative, invasive, and visceral. It works perfectly, and the simplicity of it is what's most heartrending; it's not some overwrought metaphor, it's just The Truth.

I made a very stupid mistake to ever go out with jerks like you.

Should it be 'a jerk like you?'

Remember that bruise on my face that you left me?

This wording is just a bit awkward. Try recasting it as: "Remember that bruise you left on my face?" It's more direct, more active, and therefore more powerful -- and in anything short, especially something as emotionally wrought as this, power is key.

Once I tried breaking up with you hit me across the face.

I'm not in love with the wording here, but if you're going to keep the sentence in this format, you'll need to add a second 'you' immediately after the first; i.e.: "Once I tried breaking up with you, you hit me across the face." Personally -- and feel free to ignore this -- I'd word it more like: "You hit me across the face when I tried breaking up with you." Start with the more powerful, direct image.

You raped me Brandon.

I don't like this direct accusation, at least not here. It loses its emphasis, gets buried in everything else. Either make it its own line (perhaps at the very end of the letter?) or delete it entirely. If you do keep it, though, add a comma after 'me.'

Those other girls...can have you.

The ellipsis would work with oooone minor edit: "Those other girls... they can have you." (Also, note the space after the ellipsis. It belongs there!)

The reason why I wrote you this letter is because I wanted my first crush and boyfriend to know I am living a way better life without you. As much as it hurts to say but I hope best wishes come for you soon.

...Whoa. Wait. What? Emotional whiplash! She goes from vindictive and bitter -- as she has a right to be -- to forgiving, in the space of a sentence. The turn-around is too abrupt, and the emotional tone just doesn't jive. I think it would work best if you ended with something backhanded, like, "I hope you get all the good in life that you deserve." It could mean she wishes him well, or -- more likely, given the rest of the letter -- hopes karma serves his ass up on a silver platter.

-Stella

I know, I know. How could I find something to edit in a punctuation mark and a name? BUT! I think this is a missed opportunity. You could completely finish out the emotional tone of the piece here, complete that final chord. Signing it as "Yours, Stella" would indicate that he still has that power over her; "Yours no more, Stella" says that she's moving past it. "Sincerely, Stella," would show a growing cool detachment, and "I hope you die in a fire you bastard, Stella" would... well, I think you get that one. But don't just throw away the closing of the letter! You could do something awesome with this!

All right, now that that's done... I have to say, I'm not a major fan of this piece -- but don't get me wrong, it's not without its strengths and its potential. In fact, there's a LOT of potential here, if just for the fact that there is so much emotion behind a subject like this that you could do something really outstanding.

Honestly, I think this would be better dealt with as a short vignette, than a letter. I want to know what happened between middle school and high school that made Brandon go from thinking she was ugly and weird to asking her out; I want to know more about the dynamics of their relationship pre-rape. I want to see this from the objective view. You may think it's easier to sympathize with Stella because here, it's coming directly from her, but it actually makes it harder for me, because she comes across as a little self-pitying -- and come on, no one's blaming her for that, and everyone pities themselves sometimes. But it can be easier to empathize with someone from the outside, because you don't get whapped in the face with all that self-pity -- you just see it dribbling out, you see what shows on the surface. The subtlety makes it that much more poignant.

On the other hand, if you decide to keep the epistolary format, I think you need to trim a little fat and intensify the emotion. If you're going to hit us in the face, don't hit us with a wet noodle -- punch us, head on. Make us gasp for breath because Stella's pain and grief and anger and regret are so strong.

It's hard to walk the middle ground with subject matter this fraught, and I think that's where this piece landed. In my opinion, you either need to condense and intensify, or expand and take a step back. As it is now, there's potential... but it just doesn't really go anywhere.

Fand got all the nitpicky stuff I saw, and I agree. This has major potential if you work at it.

I definitely like the letter style of it. I haven't seen that a lot lately. I also like what you're trying to do with that. Obviously this girl's had it rough with the guy and he's kind of a complete jerk.

What I didn't like is the way you tried to tell him that he's a jerk. It's so expository it makes me itch. He obviously is the other part of the relationship. Unless she's writing him 70 years later (which she makes clear isn't the case) he should remember how he treated her and what he did to her. It just seems like she's trying to tell someone else what he did, instead of the girl himself. You have to think if it was you writing to this guy, what would you really say? It's so organized and she's obviously angry at him. Most people don't rant so organized and explanatory.

I think try writing one from his POV as well. You don't have to actually use it, but then you'd figure out, or fabricate, why he did what he did and what made him charge from thinking she was ugly to having intercourse with her, and then being dependent on her so much that he didn't want her to leave. He sounds complicated. I want to know more about him.

Overall, it has potential if you're willing to work on it. I hope you do.

Good luck!
-Lindsay

Hey there! You've gotten some really good reviews before me, but I'll just put in my opinion.
This was good, emotional, and probably a lot of teenage girls can relate to this. I'd have to say, though, you need to read over your work before you post. Sometimes reading in your head isn't enough, so, try reading aloud to yourself - that way you'll be able to pick up on the mistakes. I think your most common problem would be with commas. So, as I said, read aloud, and when you feel as though you need to take a breath; place a comma.
Good luck!

Thanks everybody for your fantastic reviews! Yes I know I really need some work on this but I will get it soon! Thank you again! I will make a new story over Brandon's POV soon.

Welll, the emotion of the work does ring true at many points, and though it comes naturally for the piece you manage a good deal of that emotion through your words. I think the letter style was the correct way to go for this piece. I must say that it felt like it dragged on, you don't need to call him a jerk or a dick, we see that through his actions. I wanted to see more of how she came to care for him in the start, how she stayed beyond just being afraid he'd beat her. Guys don't just beat on girls, they start cool and compassionate and then reveal their anger in flashes. I also felt the rape angle contradicted the previous part. The first mention of sex never gave me the feel that it was a forced act, rather she just felt ashamed cause Brandon was such a douche.

The Brandon POV, not sure how that would work out but its an interesting idea and look forward to seeing it.
Overall, this piece has potential, but repetition, mixed feelings, and a certain overly angsty feel hold it back for me. I'm sure in further edits you'll refine the work and it'll be all the more better for it.

Yet, I still wanted to be your only girl.

This comes from the fourth paragraph, and the last line.

Now, the next paragraph has basically summed up Stella's feelings on the situation and the trauma she was going through, so, the line confuses me.

I understand that you wanted to highlight that, no matter what shit she went through because of Brandon, she would always want to be with him (until what is explained at the end of the letter,) but putting that there threw me off a bit, considering she had said that she hadn't been thinking of him in the most positive way, she was emotionally bed-ridden because of his idiotic actions, and, soon after, she had moved to a different state and was living a better life there.

Aside from that, I thought this was a very well-written and emotional piece. You really captured my interest with the realism of this piece and, if this didn't come from personal experience, then my hats off to you. If it did, then I have to say, I'm impressed by how bold you are to express your feelings and the turmoil you've been through and go so far as to post it on the internet for everyone to see, review... Flame, or praise...

Another thing I enjoyed about this piece is, you made it sound like a letter. You made it sound like a teenage girl who was writing to the idiot who broke her heart. I also don't mind the grammatical errors as much; it adds a touch of realism to it, whether you meant for that or not.

Like I said before, I enjoyed this piece very much, but there were some points I didn't favor too well, such as a bit of paragraph four...

Now, I find it kind of hard for Brandon to abuse her. Apparently, she was merely his booty call. Before she had removed her braces, her body matured a bit, and she wore sluttier clothing, he didn't even remember her name and cheated on her homework. Now, for him to consider them a relationship or to be protective of it so far as to abuse her is a bit confusing. I can see someone do it, but, I suppose its just my personal opinion on human nature; its odd, odd ways.

All in all, I thought it was a very capturing piece and it made me feel sympathetic for Stella and all she has went through, and I think that you've written this very nicely.

Well done.

Wow, I really like this! I like that fact that it's a story, but written from such a different perspective that it desn't really sound like a story when you read it.

I also love the way you've repeated the line 'I hate you.' at the beginning of each new paragraph, except the end one. It gives the story an almost lyrical rythmn, but I kinda like that.

Overall, well done! I liked your approach to telling this story; its so different from most things on here.

Okay, I like this piece. There's a lot of emotion and I could see how much this girl hates this guy. Good job.
I would nitpic it but it's hard to do at the moment (not using a conp) ao I'll probably edit this reply later on.
Like I said before, good job!

Keep on Writing
-Roxy

Love a women with a bit of validated rage. Also, I'm smitten with the name Stella.

Hey there!

Wow, this was a really powerful piece. The emotion was so real, and I liked how you made it raw, by keeping some of the language in there.

I think it would be really interesting if you turned this into an actual piece. This could kind of be the short version, so to speak, and you could elaborate on it and make it into a story.

Anyways, this was really good. Nice job.

~Amfli

Djiii! This has got so much power and emotion in it!
I like how you express all the hatred she feels and has felt all through the piece and count up all his bad deeds and stuff and you can almost imagining him reading it with a frown on his face and feeling like he's got his grip so tied around her that she'll never get over him... but then comes that last stanza and she rid himself of him and then all the words above suddenly got a new meaning and I could imagine the situation suddenly reverse. After revieving a letter like that it mustn't be easy to let go of the girl sending it... espacially after knowing how much she once cared and how little she now does. Really good job on this!


Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Wow. Im speechless! -__- I loved it!
Fabulous girl!
I loved th way Stella keeps saying "i hate you" at the start of every paragraph. ANd how the emotion spilled through this letter. Just... awesome!

I liked the way you described Brandon, and how Stella made so many efforts to please him; only to be deceived in the end. I felt sorry for her there! Gosh that Brandon is more than a jerk! -__-

Im sure that if he had to read that letter, he would feel regret somehow, cause it was deeply poignant.

Keep up the good work!! ) x

This was really good girl! There were some grammatical errors like words instead of letters in the first sentence. And at times you spoke in present tense instead of the past. This was really REALLY good though. Like I felt every emotion going through you as I read it and I could really connect to the letter. That Brandon kid is a real douche :p I hope you continue to write beautiful things like this!