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Without a Doubt



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Points: 898
Reviews: 10
Wed Jul 27, 2011 3:39 pm
Whiterose24 says...



Without a Doubt



He was a boy. She was a girl. They've always been there for each other. Since they can remember. The times that they spent together were always the best. Always carved in their memories were the moments they couldn't breathe from laughing so hard. They had fun together. It was never cloudy when next to each other. It might get rainy or a little bit cold but never grey. Their lives were being colored by the sparkling smiles keeping time with the beating of their own hearts. They were hanging out one day in a big garden. It looked vivid with the color green everywhere. It was a lovely summer day. Birds were singing and the sky was blue. On their right was a long passage lined by Oak trees with red flowers at the bottom. She thought it looked beautiful. She's always loved gardens. He's always loved taking her to one just to see her happy.
She was wearing dark blue jeans and a turquoise t-shirt with a picture of one the Smurfs on it. She loved that t-shirt. She had blue flat shoes on & her chestnut-brown hair was down on her shoulders. He was wearing a white t-shirt that said "I don't think. I feel." with a pair of black jeans. He had black sneakers on. Just another casual summer day. They've had thousands of those together.
She looked at the passage and said "I love to explore empty places. This passage looks interesting. Wanna walk that way?". She then looked in his eyes expecting him to make a joke & she was right. After all, she liked that about him.
"Okaay... if you say so. But if it just happens that a ghost comes out of no where, I'm trippin' ya!" - He joked. She gasped and gave him a little nudge on the shoulder. They both laughed and started walking towards the passage.
"What happened to Gentlemen?? You know one that would say "After you my love... You walk and I'll follow. I'll do my best to make sure that if any ghosts happened to make an appearance, they shall not reach what they're after. Unless that's what my love wants." She said anxious to see how he replies.
He laughed out loud, looked her in the eyes and then put on the face of a "gentleman" and a British accent "I'll take Hamburger & fries with a coke please. But wait. My love would like to order first? Anything you want my love?"
She answered back with the same accent " oh why… I'll order what you just took my dear." She then winked at him playfully.
He pretended to adjust his imaginary tie and put his elbow out. She hanged her hand on his elbow and they both walked on with Joy on their bright young faces.
They were walking for about ten minutes when they realized they were in the middle of the passage. She stopped for a moment to take in the scene around her. It felt like the afternoon now with the oak trees protecting the ground from the bright sun light.
"Wow.. This. Right here. It's very beautiful." She said looking everywhere around her.
But his eyes were fixed on her and he said " Very.. Very beautiful."
Then out of nowhere, they heard something like footsteps in between the trees. They were about to freak about. But then looked slowly at each other realizing how stupid it would be to actually freak out. They started laughing hysterically at the idea. Probably just a squirrel. They were laughing when they heard it again. This time, it was no joke, definitely footsteps. Too defined to be that a squirrel. Too heavy to be that of any other small animal. They stopped laughing. She was silent.
"Hey... I think we should seriously get back now. I mean this really looks creepy. Who knows what could be in there?!" He whispered loud enough just for her to hear.
"No! Com'on. This is very exciting. I mean… get real. It's probably just the ghost." – She shrugged and grinned.
He didn't like this. The place they were in was empty. And it could be seriously dangerous. What if there was someone in between the oaks. A thief or someone drunk.
"I'm not kidding. We're going back now. This isn't funny." He said.
"Chi.. chi…chi.. CHICKEN! " She teased him. But he wasn't smiling. She was being driven by her love for adventure and not thinking properly.
After being called a Chicken, He would never back out. She knew this. He groaned, put both his hands on his forehead and then said "Only for five more minutes. Then we're going back, ok?"
She smiled at him innocently and replied "Thank you…. I'm sorry I called you chicken!" She said that last sentence with her eyebrows a little bit up as if to say "I didn't know any other way to make you come with me."
He grinned and then said "You really know my point of weakness, don't you?" She gave a little chuckle and hugged him more tightly. They walked forward with his arms on her shoulders and hers around his waist.
After three minutes of silently walking next to each other, They heard someone walking behind them. They both looked back at the same time. They saw a man in his forties, probably homeless, with a long beard and his clothes weren't necessarily clean. The man had a knife in his hand and he was obviously drunk.
He pointed for her to stand at the side and she obeyed. He then started looking more carefully at the man and said " Wow.. dude.. will you please put that knife down? "
The man started mumbling about something incomprehensible. He wasn't drunk, He was wasted. All he could think of was " What the hell?! It's only like four in the afternoon and this man here is in another world already?!"
He started walking slowly towards the man. He wanted to take his knife, make him defenseless. The man was drunk. How much of a fight could he put up? He made baby steps towards the bearded man. She was standing in the corner. Shocked. Not believing this was happening. She was in the midst of thinking how this was all her fault. How she should've just listened to him and gone back. But it was too late now. She wouldn't be able to handle it if anything happened to him.
Before she could comprehend how, the bearded man was groaning and He was screaming. The bearded man had his knife around her friend's throat and he was keeping him helpless by holding his hands behind his back.
"What the hell do you want?" – She yelled at him, full of anger. The man looked at her and winked. She felt a sharp wave of fear over take her whole body. She couldn't believe this. It was all her fault.
Her friend was still screaming under his tongue, careful not to make this mad man any more angry.
She looked down at her feet. She kept staring at a tree branch, just lying there.
The bearded man was now making chit chat with her friend.
" Pretty little boy… with no care in the world? Eih?? Well.. We all gotta die someday, now, don't we? You time has come pretty boy… haha… We're off to the end of the world…That's what I call interesting… Eih? Answer me you little piece of… "
"YES!" Her friend practically screamed. " Yes.. let's go to the end of the world you asshole… I ain't going without a fight… "
" awww…. Pretty boy is fighting for his girl! How touchy.. I love it when it gets classy like this.. The old classical movies.. Touchyy… but from man to man, what a hottie boy! You know how to choose your girlfriends boy.. don't y---- "
" I'm not his GIRLFRIEEEEND!!! " She hit him on the head with the tree branch. She never knew she had this amount of strength inside of her. It was followed by a loud groan of her own. It gave her friend enough time to get himself on his feet again. The bearded man was still mumbling though.. He wasn't out of conscious. The tree branch fell out of her fingers. Part of her numbed by the fear of the man being this close to her and not out of conscious. The other part paralyzed by the amount of strength it took her to hit him.
The bearded man was trying to stand on his feet. That’s when her friend took her by the elbow and they started running to the end of the passage.
They kept running until they found a narrow turn... It was barely wide enough for both of them to stand there hiding.
He pulled her in and she went along. They stood with their faces opposite to each other. They were silent for about fifteen seconds. Then they both grinned and started laughing while trying to take their breaths. The kind of laughs you have after being exposed to something you never expected. It took them about fifteen seconds more to realize that the atmosphere was safe again. At least in this little place they were standing in. He looked in her hazel eyes and said "Thank you for saving my life out there. "
She smiled and went on like "Honestly, I didn't see any need to do so. I mean you were so not going out with out a fight!"
"Yeah absolutely!! Haha… but seriously, Thanks." He was grinning.
"Your welcome. He was going to kill you. We can't let that happen, can we?" She was now the one looking in his eyes. He had his hands on the wall, just above her right shoulder.
"Well, can we let this happen…" He closed his eyes, leaned in & his lips met hers. He pulled her hair behind her ear and started to embrace her face in his hands. She had her arms around his neck and they were both lost in the beauty of their first kiss. It felt like a lifetime and it felt like a half of a second. He tried to pull back but with her eyes shut, she pulled him a little bit closer for more. He finally leaned out and then looked in her eyes, waiting for a reply for his question.
She didn't say anything but the half smile on her lips gave him the answer.
"Can I now call you my Girlfriend?" He asked with the world's innocence in his eyes.
"Without a Doubt... Pretty boy." She said with playfulness in hers.
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I hope life isn't a joke, because I don't get it.
  





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Points: 940
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Wed Jul 27, 2011 4:04 pm
hopelessnewromantic says...



Hello, this is great! Although I haven't really got the essential skills to do a word by word review I can give you a few pointers. For example not putting 'but' as a sentence starter, try being a little more creative, also I spotted an cuss word in this, and it has a scene where somebody gets hit on the head with a tree branch. We wouldn't want any younger writers getting the idea that this behaviour is acceptable, so I'd raise it up to an 18+ Of course this is only my personal opinion so it is completely up to yourself whether you do or not!

Anyhow! Other than those little pointers, I enjoyed reading this, keep up the hard work!
XOXO-//GetCrunkGoRawrRawrRAWR!\\<3
  





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10 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 898
Reviews: 10
Wed Jul 27, 2011 4:10 pm
Whiterose24 says...



I'm so glad you liked it! ^_^
I'll take in cosnsideration the 18+ category.. oops!! This was very Helpful! Thanks again!! =))
I hope life isn't a joke, because I don't get it.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 22451
Reviews: 498
Sun Jul 31, 2011 2:49 am
theotherone says...



Hello there. :)

It was never cloudy when they were next to each other. It might have got rainy or a little bit cold but never grey.

She always loved gardens. He always loved taking her to one just to see her happy.

She was wearing dark blue jeans and a turquoise t-shirt with a picture of one of the Smurfs on it. She loved that t-shirt. She had blue flat shoes on and her chestnut-brown hair was down on her shoulders.

She then looked in his eyes expecting him to make a joke and she was right.

All he could think of was What the hell?! It's only like four in the afternoon and this man here is in another world already?!


It was a great story, but make sure that when you want to write 'and', write it that way, and not like '&'. Also, I feel like it was all sudden. Suddenly, they were safe. I think they should run a little bit faster, try to find a place were they were more people, maybe?

Keep writing!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466
  








Generally speaking, a howling wilderness does not howl: it is the imagination of the traveler that does the howling.
— Henry David Thoreau