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Wed Jul 27, 2011 5:30 pm
lele253isme says...



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Last edited by lele253isme on Thu Sep 15, 2011 2:08 am, edited 3 times in total.
  





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Wed Jul 27, 2011 6:00 pm
azntwinz2 says...



Hullo~ Going to review really quick!

Since I always start off with grammar, please don't be offended!

I remember, that’s the big problem her.

I think you mean here.

Death or loss doesn’t change what you remember only your emotions and how you feel on a daily basis.

This sentence feels too long, maybe rewrite like this?
"Death or loss doesn't change what you remember, only your emotions and how you feel on a daily basis."

Everyone thinks that I’ve forgotten my husband, that now that he’s gone, I’m some big emotional wreckage. My emotions are in a wreck, but I could never forget him.

"forgotten my husband, but now that he's gone, I'm some big emotional wreckage. My emotions are in a wreck, but I could never forget him."
I think the "but" sounds better, and you might want to replace the "wreck" in the second sentence because it sounds repetitive.

There are days when I wake up and the sun shines bright and I drink my orange juice, and I just think of him, you know, I just think.

The first part of your sentence runs on a bit too long, maybe a comma after "wake up" or "shines bright"?

Those days when I woke up

I think you mean "wake up", to continue the present tense in your story.

and the room is dark because even the sun is afraid of what I’ll do.

This part was powerfully written!

Everyone thinking I forgot him so they steer conversations away from him.

Everyone thinks is correct.

Do you remember that time; we never do those any more

Maybe italicize the "Do you remember that time"? And this part was tragic...

But then I think again, and think about the joy he brung in my life

Should be "brought".

I’ve never been loved before; he was the only one who really cared

I think "I'd never been loved" is the correct tense.

Dumb and not in the least bit pretty

I think the character has some self-confidence issues. T.T

They hated him for loving their little ugly duckling.

Honestly, this doesn't seem realistic. I mean, even the worst parents need some sort of maternal/paternal emotions, right?

Reflection:
You thoroughly go through this woman's emotional pain for the loss of a beloved husband. As a downer, you tend to simplify matters into black and white, something that contrasts with your realistic attitude. In reality, it's always grey, and the lines are blurred, so this woman's thinking is too judgmental and one-sided.

I think you could maybe flash back into a moment where they met? And tell it almost like a story sometimes rather than a narrative.
Hope this helps!
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Sun Jul 31, 2011 5:45 pm
Lava says...



Hola again!

So, this is another really tiny chapter. The one thing I disliked about this is that it doesn't tell us much about the MC. Or about her husband. I mean, there are hints and everything, but this isn't contributing to character development. When you develop your MC, your readers will be able to understand her more.
Plot-wise, this borders on meh. It sounds like the MC is trying to cope with the loss and move on in her own way, but I would like to see the start of some conflict.
He was working in a grocery store, Wal-Mart or Lowes or something like that.
Or something like that? She is his wife, no? She is supposed to know things.
He came from a rich family, and he loved their daughter. They hated him for loving their little ugly duckling.
This confused me. :(
Don't end with such an open question. Tell us how the death happened or how the shock was. Something more so that a reader would want to read more. Such an open question will only leave us frustrated because you don't even let us have a glimpse of what happened.

Keep writing!
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.

  








If a story is in you, it has to come out.
— William Faulkner