Young Writers Society

(I wrote this awhile ago. Please correct whatever you find needs to be. I openly accept opinions and any constructive criticism. Thanks guys! -Brie♥)

Man was she a sight standing there in a black camisole, faded shorts and cowboy boots. The light breeze caught hold of her hair, lifting pieces into the air. Upon her head sat a wide brimmed cowboy hat, blocking out the glowing sun from her face. It illuminated the rest of her tanned skin, and caused her hair to shine red.

She lifted the last bag of grain onto the back of a pick-up truck and gave the driver, a similar looking guy, thumbs up. He smiled back and opened his mouth, but his words were drowned out by the sound of the truck. Whatever he said, she looked over her shoulder to see me there.

Turning her back on me, she shooed the truck away. As soon as it was out of sight she walked over to where I was standing. The smile on her face was bright, dimples coming out to highlight the innocence she held. Emerald green eyes, big and magnificent, stared into mine.

Nothing could ever amount to the sheer beauty portrayed on her face. Everything on her was perfect from her cute button nose to her long slender legs. Small heart-shaped lips taunted me, daring me to see for myself just how soft they really were. I wanted to reach out and stroke her cheek, pouring all my love for her into it, but my hands
stayed in my pockets.

As she said my name I felt my knees grow weak. My name was perfect coming out of those lips, playing on her tongue. She wrapped her arms around my neck, giving me a hug. I wrapped my arms around her, loving the feel of her pressed against me safe in my arms. It was over too soon though, leaving a gap of air between us. The final goodbye hug.

She stepped back and waved, turning around to run back to a dun colored horse.

I watched her ride away, felt my hopes take a dive off the deep end. It was from where I stood to a couple of feet in front of me where she held me. She didn’t bring me closer than that, nor did she push me farther away. I knew, deep down, that’s where I would always stand. I would always be one step behind her, just out of reach of her and her heart. I may be done with trying for her, but I would never be done with loving her.

Man, was she a sight standing there in a black camisole, faded shorts and cowboy boots. The light breeze caught hold of her hair, lifting pieces into the air. Upon her head sat a wide brimmed cowboy hat, blocking out the glowing sun from her face. It illuminated the rest of her tanned skin, and caused her hair to shine red. (I see what you mean here, but other people that comment might say that "you wouldn't see her hair," but I see hwat you mean xD)

She lifted the last bag of grain onto the back of a pick-up truck and gave the driver, a similar looking guy, a thumbs up. He smiled back and opened his mouth, but his words were drowned out by the sound of the truck. Whatever he said, she didn't hear, instead, she looked over her shoulder to see me there.

Turning her back on me, she shooed the truck away. As soon as it was out of sight she walked over to where I was standing. The smile on her face was bright, her dimples coming out to highlight the innocence she held. Emerald green eyes, big and magnificent, stared into mine.

Nothing could ever amount to the sheer beauty portrayed on her face. Everything on her was perfect from her cute button nose to her long slender legs. Small heart-shaped lips taunted me, daring me to see for myself just how soft they really were. I wanted to reach out and stroke her cheek, pouring all my love for her into it, but my hands...

They stayed in my pockets.

"Name." (If you don't want to use speech, you don't have to ) As she said my name I felt my knees grow weak. My name was perfect coming out of those lips, playing on her tongue. She wrapped her arms around my neck, giving me a hug. I wrapped my arms around her, loving the feel of her pressed against me; safe in my arms. It was over too soon though, leaving a gap of air between us. The final goodbye hug.

She stepped back and waved, turning around to run back to a dun colored horse.

I watched her ride away, felt my hopes take a dive off to the deep end. It was from where I stood to a couple of feet in front of me where she held me. She didn’t bring me closer than that, nor did she push me farther away. I knew, deep down, that’s where I would always stand. I would always be one step behind her, just out of reach of her and her heart. I may be done with trying for her, but I would never be done with loving her. Love this last paragraph!!!

Hello there.

Whatever he said, she looked over her shoulder to see me there.

This sentence doesn't quiet make sense. Maybe try: She didn't hear whatever he had said, but she looked over her shoulder and saw me there.

Everything on her was perfect comma, from her cute button nose to her long slender legs.

She wrapped her arms around my neck, giving me a hug. My arms closed around her, loving the feel of her pressed against me safe in my arms.

I changed the sentence a little bit because I thought it seemed a little bit too repetitive with the wrapped.

The plot was a little bit vague, and I would definitely like more details on their relationship. First off, some questions you might want to try to answer so we have a little bit more information. What were they doing? Where were they? What is the relationship between the guy and the girl? Are they friends? Best friends? If not, how long had they known each other? Is she leaving for good? Or just for a moment, days, months... Where is she going? All those questions that I don't have an answer for...

I liked the imagery you used for this piece though. I could see the girl in my mind very clearly and that's wonderful. I couldn't quiet see the setting though, but since it's from the guy's point of view, maybe he doesn't even realize it since he's too concentrated in the girl in front of him. It was well written.

Keep writing!

-Other One

Hi!

A fairly nice story overall. You had some really nice descriptions going in there, which is good. However, there are some phrases that sounds a bit awkward or is missing a comma here and there. Like these sentences here:

Man, was she a sight standing there in a black camisole, faded shorts and cowboy boots.

The light breeze caught hold of her hair, lifting pieces I would suggest using 'strands' here into the air.

Whatever he said, she looked over her shoulder to see me there.

This sounds rather awkward, like theotherone pointed out, I'd suggest rephrasing it.

Turning her back to me, she shooed the truck away.

I'd suggest reading the story out loud or something similar to that. Becuase when you read it out loud, it is more likely that you'll pick up on awkward phrasing, missing commas or other little errors like the ones pointed out above.

Another thing is, I wasn't quite sure how the characters are related to each other. It was quite obvious that the guy liked the girl, yes. But was the guy the girl's friend? Or was he someone he just met last week? Or is he something else? I think that you need to clear that up a bit, as I wasn't quite sure and besides, the story isn't too long at the moment. Surely you can include some extra information.

So, overall, not a bad story, although I don't think it'll hurt if you clear up the character's realtion to each other. I really liked the descriptions that's used in the story though. Keep it up!