Spoiler! :
I will always love you
♥ A love letter ♥
My dearest Will,
Do you remember when we first met? I was seventeen and you, nearing twenty four. That was nearly seven years between us. We knew how it looked to the world, the sneers, the pathetic sniffs of my mother at the decision I had made to be with you. We were wrapped up in each other but we could see exactly what people thought of us, we could feel the venom surging from my mother’s eyes as she looked on at our ‘failing reputation’. To her, how I was perceived in society was everything, Will, you knew that. She once told me that if I didn’t leave you that she would discard me as her daughter. The disgust that framed, almost glowed in every neighbour as they walked by me killed my mother. She wanted what was best for me but she didn’t know, that what was best for me, was you. To the world you were the inconsiderate one; you were the one that should have known better. I was the young foolish girl caught up in her own little fairy-tale. I was too young to know what I wanted, to amateur to be making my own decisions.
It was all so complicated when I was alone with my thoughts. I would tell myself that my mother was right; I was being ridiculous wasting your time and of course, mine. But when you came home each night Will, I’d take back, in my mind of course, everything I’d thought about you earlier as soon as you pressed your lips against mine. When you scooped me up into your arms and whirled me around the little box room, laughing like a boy, I would almost cry at the thought of being without you. Will, you were everything to me. We proved that love can overpower anything, what we had was enough to fight off all those daggers of hate.
Before a year had passed I was falling harder than ever for you. I had lost my mother’s love and my sister’s friendship, the only thing I had left, was you. I can’t say I didn’t miss them, every time I stood at the huge, black, gates that framed my home, pain and loneliness would surge through me like an overdose of drugs, pulsating within me, slowly choking my heart. However, the love that I felt for you could overcome my childish fears of being without my flesh and blood. Somehow, what we had was different. When we were apart; we weren’t- there was some sort of chain always linking us together no matter where we were. Thinking about it, I’m not sure whether I ever thought about where we were going, what this relationship meant to me. I guess I just imagined everything staying the way it was so maybe, that was the reason why what happened next, happened next.
You took me out for a meal and when desert finally arrived, it was accompanied by a glass of shimmering champagne. There was a tiny, cream bag attached to the slender glass with glittering jewels dangling from the fastenings. Inside the little bag was a ring worth a lot more than your wages. It sat on a crisp velvet cushion, sparkling in the light of the tiny flame from the candle perched on our table. I knew exactly what it was but I waited for what would happen next. You didn’t get down on one knee, you simply took my hand and whispered; “How would you like to be called Mrs Lyons?” You know what happened next, so there’s no need for me to re-illustrate a moment that I regret with all my heart. I’m not sure what made me run from that cosy little table, I’m honestly not sure but Will, I’m sorry.
I never meant to hurt you and that is, exactly what I did and what I’m doing. I’m pathetic; I know and I wish I wasn’t but Will, I’m only nineteen. I’ve got a lot of living left to do, a lot of things I want to experience, places I want to see. When you asked me to marry you, my heart was beating so hard, I thought it might jump out of chest. I guess that was love for you. I wanted to throw myself at you and mumble yes a million times between kisses. But in that awkward silence that followed, I was thinking it all through. I’m not ready for all that marriage entails. And as I let my mind run crazy I felt a lot of things. I felt like I’d let you down as a wife, I barely know how to fry an egg, never mind cook a dinner. I thought of all the responsibilities I would have, I know nothing about mortgages and saving money. I couldn’t handle being a mother, I’m still a child myself and childbirth is still something I fear. I was terrified Will, as I looked into your eyes. I was afraid that if I said yes, that I’d let you down. That I’d disappoint you. I didn’t know what to do next, what to say, so I decided that the best thing to do was, not to answer at all. I ran. I was inconsiderate to lead you on the way I did, to make you believe I was ready. It was never my intention because what we had, was love in its truest forms and I don’t want to give it up. I honestly don’t.
You know how much I love you Will, you know that every second that I’m with you, I feel alive. I’ve realised that love isn’t what you see in Movies. Love is coming home to someone that knows you inside out. Love is feeling so connected to someone that whenever you’re apart you’re together. Love is making two people one. Love is what we have Will, Love explains us completely. We are; love.
Will we were felicific. I’ll always remember what we had, all that we shared but for now, you’re better off without me. If I stay I’ll only pull you back, stop you from getting what you want. So I guess it’s better that we part and find out who we are and what we want but Will- if in a couple of years I’ve done all my growing up, that I’m ready to give you all that you deserve and of course if you’ll still have me, then with no hesitations I will marry you in a second. I love you and I always will. Always.
I’m bringing back too many memories, it’s getting harder to say goodbye.
Is this how it’s supposed to be? When you do the right thing Will, shouldn’t you have some sort of feeling to let you know it’s right? I told myself that goodbye was the only way, that if I loved you I should do the right thing. But why then, does right feel so wrong? You are the only one for me Will and I know I’ll regret this, but for now, even though I feel as though I’ll never be whole again, I have to go because if I stay, we’ll ruin all the chances we might have had. Because our love means so much, it’s what’s helping me to help you. But hell Will, I’m not as brave as I’m acting. I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I have to be strong. I have to.
I’m sorry and sorry is what I’ll be forever. So Will, if I never hold you again, never kiss you again, then let me tell you this; There will only ever be one you.
One more thing, after all I’ve said about love, sometimes love can be the power behind making you do the right thing. I love you so much Will, you know that, so I won’ t let you miss out on having someone who can be everything I can’t. One thing I’ve learned; Love is something special, you’ve got to hold on to it when you get it. You taught me that; it’s something I’ll never forget. I know I didn't but it's in your best interests Will.
I love you,
Rochelle.
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