Young Writers Society

**Edit: I made some changes on this so if you want to see the most recent version it is here: topic86278.html

One thing that doesn’t scare me are graveyards at night. I sometimes wonder if what scares people is the prospect of someone rising from the grave. That is a possibility I would almost prefer.

I have been to this graveyard so many times -in the night, especially- that I no longer need a flashlight. I navigate the old graves with ease, dodging the rocks, plants and flowers, until finally reaching the one I want.

I fall to my knees, sink my hands in the earth and whisper, “I missed you.”



School was hard and spending my nights in the graveyard really cut down on my sleep, which only caused my grades to drop which terrified my mother into amping my therapy appointments to two days a week rather than one. My mother believed that therapy was the answer to everything.

So I stopped visiting and dragged my grades up. After school visits were out of the question, too, because I had to get a job. A job will keep me from moping around the house, according to my mother. But I didn’t think a job was any better for my mental health.

I pulled my grades up enough and convinced my mom to drop my therapy visits from two to one. I went to my job and did my homework and felt like I was normal again. Except maybe the dreams.



“I feel like I’m a drug addict,” I whisper into the granite. “It’s like, if I don’t get my fill of you I go through withdrawal or something. Last night, I screamed so loud the neighbors called the police. Pam was mortified.” Pam’s my mother. She felt that calling her by her first name was my attempt to reject her as a mother or something. I never said it to anyone else.

“But you know, it’s really hard to get my fill of you.” I trace my finger across the familiar letters on the granite.


He hated his middle name. It took some prodding to get him to tell me it, none of his friends even knew it. “But I told you mine!” I picked up one of his hands and held it tight to my chest, “it’s only fair.”

He grinned at me and glanced at his hand in mine, “I don’t think so,” he countered, “Anyway, yours is pretty, Casey Jane. It sounds like a song.” My heart fluttered the way he said my name and I dropped his hand, afraid he could feel it.
I reached for my phone, “Fine, I’ll just ask Zach, I’m sure he’ll tell me.”

His eyes darkened at the mention of his best friend, my boyfriend (soon to be ex, I often assured him - but still.) I instantly regretted it, opened my mouth to make some excuse but he dropped it as fast as it had come up. “Yeah, because that wouldn’t be random and out of the blue.” He laughed, thankfully. “Anyway, he doesn’t know it.”

“Zach, doesn’t know it?” I stared at him in disbelief. “How can he not know it? You’ve known each other since what-”

“Sixth grade,” He answered and then shrugged, “it just never came up.”

We were both silent for a moment and my phone started to feel hot in my hand. I dropped it and it landed softly between us. Finally he said, “it’s Kent.” Both our eyes were drawn from my cellphone to each other. “Like the god-dammed Barbie Doll but with a T. Kent. Don’t ask.”

I smiled at him, “I don’t think it’s dumb.” And after a moment- “It’s like... Clark Kent.”
“Superman?” He said doubtfully.

“Yes. Like Superman’s secret identity. You’re Superman!” I declared, getting excited.
“If I’m Superman,” he began. “Then does that make you Lois Lane?”
And I just blushed. Because things were so simple back then.


TO BE CONTINUED

This is a really good start. I like the melancholy tone you've set, also the way it seems to be told from memories, the character reminiscing about her dead friend. Some of the sentences seemed a bit choppy and awkward, though, you know what I mean? You might need some word variation or something. Also, the part about the therapy and everything was a little bit too lengthy, and it doesn't really keep the reader hooked. All in all, though, I like this. I'm interested and waiting for the next part. Hopefully, my review helps.

Oh my Lord...

You've officially done it, you've officially drawn me into this story. As a matter of fact, the first two sentences drew me in immediately. This looks to be the makings of a great short story so far. I would really love to read more of it, because I've been filled to the brink with so many questions about this already. Catching and holding a reader's attention is probably one of the best things a writer can do, and you've done it! I don't know about the reader above me, but even through the section about the therapy I had a few questions, and didn't want to stop reading.

One thing I wasn't too fond of, however, was the jumping around. I know you said this was unfinished, but you can easily fix this. Unless, of course, you like it this way. You went from the main character (I'm assuming) falling at her knees before a grave, to telling about her school and therapy problems, then to her back at the grave and finally, a flashback sort of thing. Although I like it, maybe you should make notice that she's moving back and forth between subjects.

Gramatically, I found nothing wrong with this piece. As I said before, I really do like it. I hope to read more!

~Chups

Hi,
I really liked this. It was so interesting, very well-written. That's already been pointed out ^^. Keep writing.

Hey, Littleprinces. I'm here to review for you today! I'm going to quote your story, and write in where I see issues or small problems. Even things I like. Here I go:

One thing that doesn’t scare me are graveyards at night. I sometimes wonder if what scares people is the prospect of someone rising from the grave. That is a possibility I would almost prefer.

I have been to this graveyard so many times -in the night, especially- that I no longer need a flashlight. I navigate the old graves with ease, dodging the rocks, plants and flowers, until finally reaching the one I want.

I fall to my knees, sink my hands in the earth and whisper, “I missed you.”



School was hard and spending my nights in the graveyard really cut down on my sleep, which only caused my grades to drop which terrified my mother into amping my therapy appointments to two days a week rather than one.The sentence before this is a run on sentence. Try breaking it up into two sentences. My mother believed that therapy was the answer to Everyone has their type of writing, but this is between style of writing and grammar. It should be "Answer For"everything.

So I stopped visiting and dragged my grades up. After school visits were out of the question, too, I don'y believe you need two commas here its just really strange reading it.because I had to get a job. A job will keep me from moping around the house Will is present tense and the rest of the story is not. It should be would., according to my mother. But I didn’t think a job was any better for my mental health.

I pulled my grades up enough and convinced "Convince" means "to cause someone to believe." "Persuade" means "to cause someone to act." my mom to drop my therapy visits from two to one. I went to my job and did my homework and felt like I was normal again. Except maybe the dreams.



“I feel like I’m a drug addict,” I whisper into the granite. “It’s like, if I don’t get my fill of you I go through withdrawal or something. Last night, I screamed so loud the neighbors called the police. Pam was mortified.” Pam’s You don't need an apostrophe here. Pam isn't owning anything.my mother. She felt Use "feel" only when expressing emotions. I know this is a grey area that you could probably use both, but perhaps try "thought that" that calling her by her first name was my attempt to reject her as a mother or something. I never said it to anyone else.

“But you know, it’s really hard to get my fill of you.” I trace my finger across the familiar letters on the granite.

Samuel Kent Cowden
June 17, 1992- March 23, 2010




He hated his middle name. It took some prodding to get him to tell me it, none of his friends even knew it. Okay here you change from what your saying about the past to an actual memory, try putting the memory in italics. At least a different paragraph. “But I told you mine!” I picked up one of his hands and held it tight to my chest, “it’s only fair.”

He grinned at me and glanced at his hand in mine, “I don’t think so,” he countered, “Anyway, yours is pretty, Casey Jane. It sounds like a song.” My heart fluttered the way he said my name and I dropped his hand, afraid he could feel it.

I reached for my phone, “Fine, I’ll just ask Zach, I’m sure he’ll tell me.”

His eyes darkened at the mention of his best friend, my boyfriend (soon to be ex, I often assured him - but still.) I instantly regretted it, opened my mouth to make some excuse but he dropped it as fast as it had come up. “Yeah, because that wouldn’t be random, and out of the blue.” He laughed, thankfully. “Anyway, he doesn’t know it.”

“Zach, doesn’t know it?” I stared at him in disbelief. “How can he not know it? You’ve known each other since what-”

“Sixth grade,” He answered and then shrugged, “it just never came up.”

We were both silent for a moment and my phone started to feel hot in my hand. I dropped it and it landed softly between us. Finally he said, “it’s Kent.” Both our eyes were drawn from my cellphone to each other. “Like the god-dammed Barbie Doll but with a T. Kent. Don’t ask.”

I smiled at him, “I don’t think it’s dumb.” And after a moment- You use a lot of dashes when not needed. “It’s like... Clark Kent.”

“Superman?” He said doubtfully.

“Yes. Like Superman’s secret identity. You’re Superman!” I declared, getting excited.

“If I’m Superman,” he began. “Then does that make you Lois Lane?”

And I just blushed. Because things were so simple back then.



TO BE CONTINUED

Oh my god, I loved the last scene. It was super cute! I can image it perfectly in my in my head. I want to read the rest of story! Other then some grammar issues It was all good! Keep writing!

If you have any questions PM me or post on my wall!

-Boo

Neey, this is so SAD, yet it isn't because it so beautiful! I was too caught up in the story to be able to detect any grammatic errors and really.. this is just soooo good! I love how you begin so depressingly with hurt and pain and then you added that supercute scene at the end that just made me wanna cry cause it was so sad and beautiful and lovely all at once! I was so delighted to find that " TO BE CONTINUED" at the end. Please notify me when something new comes up!

5/5 icky, sticky spiders from me to you!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

I really liked the pretense behind the story, and i was drawn in. The ideas dont really flow together in the beginning when you start talking about the therapy stuff. All of the information isn't really needed, especially when you mention it a second time. I like when you switch to the memory of the two togethe;, it was a nice way to help protray how the two characters interacted and help the reader understand the real reason why she's at the grave. I'm excited to see what you write next!

Wow!! I was hooked from the start! Awesome debut! Cant waiit to read the rest!! Really awesome! Im afraid i have no corrections to make xD
Keep up the good work!

Wow!! I was hooked from the start! Awesome debut! Cant waiit to read the rest!! Really awesome! Im afraid i have no corrections to make xD
Keep up the good work!