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My First Date... (A Contest Entry)



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Wed Aug 10, 2011 2:00 am
HostofHorus says...



Rip it up, this is a very different kind of style for me. I'm open to all criticism, just no personal attacks please! :) Thanks!

My First Date



Ah, hello and welcome to the cave, the central area of my brain. The pictures you see that paint the walls around you, those are my memories. I wouldn’t spend much time looking at them, they are rather boring if I do say so myself. But if you insist, I’d look at the stalagmites first, they are those rooted best into my mind, and as such are the ones I take to mean the most. The doors you see scattered throughout, lead to different areas of my mind. My hopes, my dreams, my wishes, my thoughts, everything. Now, you’re wondering why I’m showing you all of this. Mainly, I just wanted to share a dream of mine. There probably won’t be much point behind it, but I presume that it might evoke some feelings in you. So stand up, let us walk through the door to my dreams, and I will narrate you through the scenes which you will see.

*****

Here we are, make sure you close the door behind you, I wouldn’t want any of my dreams escaping. Don’t be alarmed as the dream forms, you will find yourself in a new world, just follow my lead and we should be fine.

The room you have just entered shifts forms to reveal a girl standing in front of a dresser selecting jewelry, and making sure her hair is just right. She is about sixteen years old, has brown hair, stands 5-10, and has brown eyes. The room is decorated with a lot of disney related images, and hanging on her door is her cheer outfit that she has just hung up upon returning from practice.

This is the dream of my first date, my perfect first date I suppose. The girl you see peering into the mirror over there, goes by the name of, Alyssa. I’ve had a crush on her for three years, since I was thirteen years old. But I mustn’t get into the memory side of things. If we climb out the window here, we should see me pulling up in my car before long.

The strange man climbs through the window and jumps down to the ground twenty meters below. He appears unharmed as he walks to the curb and beckons you to do the same.

There I come. Now before I get all the way here, let me emphasize that this IS my “perfect” date.

A car pulls up by the curb and stops. The door opens to reveal a young boy stepping out, sixteen years in age, short, dark brown hair, a full beard of stubble, and hazel eyes. He is wearing faded jeans and a black button up shirt.

This Aston Martin One-77 would be my dream car, but seeing as it costs nearly two and half million dollars, I suppose we should pick something new. (The man waves his hand) Yes, this is my current car, a 2001 Audi A4.

By this time, the boy has made his way to the door.

The man you see opening the door up there at the house is her dad. He’s a dentist, and has been mine for my entire life. We exchange a few words and I watch as Alyssa comes to the door dressed in whitewashed jeans, and a tie-dye shirt. She is beautiful, but then again, she always is. Her dad issues the usual from dads, be safe and have a good time. We nod and climb into the car.

Now, if you would allow me to fast-forward to the actual date part, we shall skip all the driving.

The man standing beside you closes his eyes and moments later you find yourself in a dimly lit restaurant, and sitting at a table in front of you are Alyssa, and her date.

As you can see, the first thing we would do is eat. After all, that is what most people end up doing, isn’t it? That or go to a movie. That said, I do believe eating to be quite a dull experience. It seems to me that using it as a date is more of an excuse to say you have spent time with one another. Most of that time is spent chewing or talking about trivial matters that people care very little for. That said, I’d try to make it somewhat meaningful. I’d try to find out what is going on her life. See how she is doing, and see what I could do to make it better. If you’d like, you could sit here and eaves drop. If not, step through the portal after me and we shall skip on over to my favorite part of the dream.

He closes his eyes and a portal appears near the two of you. He walks through and you follow.

This, is a beach. You could probably see that though. Is it far fetched? Maybe. But who said your dream first date had to be completely realistic? There we are, walking hand in hand along the coast.

The man points ahead of you, where you can make out the two people you met previously walking together, at the edge of where the waves meet the sand.

There is some deep conversation going on down there you know, at least it is deep to me. Meaningful. You can listen in for a little bit if you’d like.

You find yourself suddenly beside the two.

“So, is your dream living up to it’s expectations?” Alyssa asks.

Jacob smiles at her, “I don’t think you quite get how much this means to me Alyssa.”

“What has it been? Two years?”

“Well, two years since Jantzen took it upon himself to make you hate me. Three years total that I’ve loved you.”

“Loved me? Even though this is only our first date?”

“I like to think that when you know who you love, it doesn’t matter how many dates the two of you have been on. I’ve been around you long enough to know that there is no one in this world who makes me happier. To hear your voice, to see your smile,” he pauses. “But then, I suppose that is somewhat selfish, isn’t it?”

“To want to be happy?” She raises her eyebrows.

Jacob can be seen considering the question. “Maybe not so much wanting to be happy…. I think too many people chalk love up to mean happiness with another person, but I don’t think that’s it. Which leads me to another thing. There is no one in this world I would rather see happier than you, and that Alyssa, is true love. So as an answer to your first question, yes Alyssa, I love you. I know it, and whether you choose to accept it or not, well, that is up to you. As long as you promise me one thing.”

“And what might that be?”

“If you choose not to accept that I love you, make sure that whatever you do in life makes you happy. And if you choose to accept it, make sure that, that will make you happy.”

Alyssa looks down at the sand squeezing on her bare feet, and somehow, you can see her thoughts. She is imagining a life with him, and the sand sparks the thought of him hugging her, in a loving embrace as she stands in a white dress, with an unfamiliar ring on her hand.

“You’re right you know, about love,” she pauses, “There is just one thing I’m having a problem with.”

“And what is that?”

The two of them stop and face each other. Both hands are interlocked now, and Jacob gazes at her affectionately as she continues to look at the ground. Slowly her head rises.

“If I agree to what you ask, I will be vowing to make you happy, which kind of states that I love you, doesn’t it?”

Jacob smiles again, “We can only know if you agree to the deal.”

Now Alyssa smiles and a tear begins to run down her cheek. Jacob reaches up to brush it away and she laughs a little half heartedly. “Well then, I agree that whatever I choose, will make you happy, and I think my choice might make you the happiest.”

The two begin to move closer to each other, and you find yourself back by the door to exit the room of dreams. The scenery is being blocked from your vision by the strange man who is sitting upon a rock and watching the scene you have just left.

If you don’t mind closing the door on your way out, I think I would prefer to stay here for a while before coming back to reality.
HostofHorus Author, Poet, Dreamer, and Expressionist.
http://JRSStories.com
Stories Poems © As of January 1st 2014

Need a review? Feel free to ask me! :)
  





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Wed Aug 10, 2011 11:31 am
IcyFlame says...



I really liked the style of this! It was told in a way that made the reader feel very involved and that's always a good hook. Your grammer and spelling were good, and your use of language was perfect for the way that you told the story. This technique is actually very effective because it allows the reader to imagine everything as it is described to them and they feel as if they are experiencing the story in an interactive way. For something that's new to you this was well done.
Good luck in the contest!
  





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Wed Aug 10, 2011 12:11 pm
Noelle says...



Hi there!

Since this is a contest entry (and you requested this) I am going to review a little harsher than I usually would. Please don't take it personally if it becomes too harsh (though it probably won't).

But if you insist, I'd look at the stalagmites first, they are those rooted best into my mind, and as such are the ones I take to mean the most.

'take to mean the most'? Which is it? Do they mean the most or not? Make it more clear.

The doors you see scattered throughout, lead to different areas of my mind: my hopes, my dreams, my wishes, my thoughts; everything.

Use a colon there to announce the listing of something. (that didn't really make sense, did it...?) And you don't have to repeat the word 'my' everytime. Just use it at the beginning and you're fine.

The man standing beside you closes his eyes and moments later you find yourself in a dimly lit restaurant, and sitting at a table in front of you are Alyssa, and her date.

Did we close our eyes too? Did the picture spin out of focus or did it simply just change? Give us more description about how we flashed forward in the dream.

He closes his eyes and a portal appears near the two of you. He walks through and you follow.

This is good. This is what I wanted to see in the previous quotation.

"So, is your dream living up to it’s expectations?” Alyssa asks.

Jacob smiles at her, “I don’t think you quite get how much this means to me Alyssa.”

“What has it been? Two years?”

Why'd it switch out of italics? I thought everything in the dream was in italics? The first sentence is confusing. Does she know this is his dream?

Great job overall. I enjoyed reading this and your metaphor is great! I love how you showed us the dream from your point of view. Keep writing! :)
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

Writer of fantasy, action/adventure, and magic. Huzzah!

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Thu Aug 11, 2011 2:09 am
Priceless says...



Hey there!
Overall, I really liked this. The whole dream/brain thing was very unique. Creative! Keep writing, this was really good :)
We're all a little weird. And life's a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.
  





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Thu Aug 11, 2011 2:10 pm
qaralynn says...



Helllooo HostofHorus! =)
I'm here to review your work today! (obviously! XD) I normally don't really review stories so forgive me if my review isn't helpful at all. I want to start off with saying that I really enjoyed this story. I really love the style of this and like Priceless said:
The whole dream/brain thing was very unique. Creative!

This really was unique and very creative! So congratulations on that!
Okay so let's begin at the beginning! XD The intro was really awesome and immediately caught my attention and it made me want to read the whole story. All intros should be like that! I love the idea behind it and how you worked it out.

So the normal parts and italicized parts confused me a bit at first, but after reading more of the story I got it. XD So that was probably just me XD

I really love how you ended the story. It's just a really good end XD

I couldn't find any nitpicks in this so congratulations on that too! Aaaand that's pretty much all I had to say actually XD
I really loved this write and I hope you write more stories like this! *clicks like*
I hope this review helped a little and I'm sorry if it didn't. Keep writing awesome stories!
-qaralynn-
"If they can't be with you at your worst, then they don't deserve to be with you at your best."
-Murtuza-

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Thu Aug 11, 2011 5:59 pm
Demoness says...



Soo, Hi, I'm Demoness and I was intentially going to review this for you but I ended up just admiring it for it's beauty!

Woww! I've never read anything like it, I love the style of this! I wish my mind was as organized as you play out yours to be... I'm just vaguely aware of what the difference between my dreams, wishes and memories are... Anyhows! The beginning with the little intruduction to your mind was very intresting and this is certainly an original way of writing. I enjoyed the little "guiding" voice that popped in here and there through out the story and well.. I assure you I tried my best, wearing my looking-glasses and all but I couldn't find a single little nitpick, this was just sort of perfect. You began wonderfully, catching my interest... the middle-content was enjoyable and the ending... oh, the ending was as satisfying as I wished it to be so. Well, all I can say is Good Luck, I'm rooting for you, this was an amazing, mazing, azing, zing, zing, zing, zing short story! You get 7/5 spiders!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness
"Some say the world will end in fire;
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice." - Robert Frost
  





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Sun Aug 28, 2011 9:20 am
Demeter says...



Hi there, Horus! Sorry for keeping you waiting for so long. :o


There probably won’t be much point behind it, but I presume that it might evoke some feelings in you.


Overall, I like the first chapter -- it's interesting and grabbed my attention from the beginning. However, please don't say something like this before we've even started! How do you expect your readers to go on if you tell them right away there isn't much point behind the story? ;)


Now before I get all the way here, let me emphasize that this IS my “perfect” date.


I'm not sure of what he wants to emphasise here... the press is on the word "is", but then you have "perfect" in quotation marks, so I'm a little confused...


This Aston Martin One-77 would be my dream car, but seeing as it costs nearly two and half million dollars, I suppose we should pick something new. (The man waves his hand) Yes, this is my current car, a 2001 Audi A4.


The man waves his hand? What? Who? Where?


He’s a dentist, and has been mine for my entire life.


His dentist, I assume? The way you worded this makes it sound like a deeper relationship, heh.


Well, I never! Judging from the title, I was expecting something quite different. I didn't even dream it would be like this. Actually, the title you have now is so dull that I wouldn't have read this unless you had asked me to. I think your story deserves a more interesting title, because this was much more than that. You took something ordinary like a first date and made it absolutely original with a concept like this. I really appreciate it. I'm still a bit confused about some parts (like, who's the "man"? What does he do?) that actually, now that I think of it, seem to make out the whole basis of this story, but I'm still so stoked about the idea I can't really care that much.

Such a nice read, Horus (just please change the title)!


Demeter
x
"Your jokes are scarier than your earrings." -Twit

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Sun Aug 28, 2011 2:06 pm
Yuriiko says...



Hello there, HostofHorus!

I have to agree with Demeter regarding your tile. You could have played with words-use your creativity and all that-because some readers get discouraged just by reading the title itself. Anyways, I like the concept of your story. It is refreshing but there are some instances where it's confusing. Maybe because, first of all, you tend to switch POVs in an awkward way- or shall we say, I don't really know the focus of the story. Yes, the voice is obviously directing the actions out and telling it out the readers, but the way "You"s, "He"s, "I"s and such pronouns are written all over the place, the more it gets confusing. Also, I don't think you have pulled the second person well. It's because I don't think both the narrator and I have that strong connection. Should the "You" lets the readers participate into the story, I feel like you need to work it out more. I would have loved to see more emotions and thoughts. I tell you, choosing a second person perspective for you story is very tricky- which I'm quite a fan of. I know there are some good books or even short stories which are based on second person. So why not try reading some? ^^

All in all, this is interesting but I would like to see more dimensions. If you really want us to be in the story, show us and make us. Try building more the atmosphere and make us breathe into it. I know this piece has potential. Thanks for the read. ^^

Keep writing!

Peace out,
Yuri
"Life is a poem keep it in the present tense." -Sherrel Wigal
  








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