Young Writers Society

I'm going to be honest and say that this didn't make a lot of sense to myself. However I may just be stupid.

This piece is well written, however confusing to read.

I do not know this character (her name, her looks) I do know a little of her personality. Yes, even she doesn't know why she feels the way she does but it would be quite helpful for just a little hint.

Don't know if this was any help to you

Hey there! I'll be reviewing your work now

As she continued to wonder, she could smell that raunchy Calvin Klein perfume, she felt sweat drop onto her body and felt herself trying to escape.

Okay so I thought that this line was a little awkward. Maybe it's just me. If you want you can rephrase it.

she never noticed the guy who she has been in love with from 1st grade walked in

I thought that you can change the 'from' to 'since'.

It's good so far. Interesting, actually.
Keep writing

Thanks for the help....it was basically supposed to be a mystery..where the readers are supposed to figure out what she went through..But thanks anyways

Hey, Geek. . .-yKid. xD

So I like how you attempted to some up a simple and somewhat masked point of view from the main character. Though I think you may have been a bit too vague in some way. Your ending somewhat had me a little confused. Also, you described your character in the story as quote:

the most enthusiastic, alert and entertaining student in class.

Though in the length of what I had read there had been no real proof of this, so it seemed a bit far fetched to me. From what I read I only saw a sad and repressed character. There was no real explanation though as to why she was this way. I began to assume it was because of some boy, which isn't always the most original way to leave a character broken, but that's not exactly what had me bothered. As I said, I think this was a bit to vague for me to really get anything much from it. Should you skimp out on the "simple" and work more toward putting a little bit more depth into the situation and this character's feelings I think you could have had something better. Dress it up a little so there's reason to what's happening.

And as far as the ending, I'll be honest in saying I wasn't entirely sure if this was suppose to be like some sort of subtle flashback ghost story or what, but that's sort of the impression it was sending off to me as a reader. I read it over a few times and still happened upon the same theory. If I'm wrong in my guess I apologize. I'm just trying to understand the story in this all. I think it'd be great if you made your ending a bit more profound rather than subtle.

I have a few nitpicks as well which I'll quote really quickly before wrapping this up:

As she continued to wonder, she could smell that raunchy Calvin Klein perfume(.) She felt sweat drop onto her body and felt herself trying to escape.

Also, shouldn't "perfume" be "cologne" here? I'm pretty sure it's a boy you're referring to in this bit here, is that right?

While in her biology classroom all by herself, she never noticed the guy who she ha(d) been in love with from (Change "from" to "since") 1st grade walk in.

Well, that's about it I suppose. A nice start I think for a first draft. Just work on making your main point of the story a little more pronounced and this would already be about 10 times more clear to read. Good luck, I know editing can be a bit of a pain sometimes but it's worth it.

-Smylin'

Okay so i must say that this was quite confusing. Like i had to read it atleast three times to understand -__- ...(But i admit, im also slow-minded u_u)

The story was okay! Not bad.

Though there was this sentence you didnt write well, which made it very confusing to read. There's something that wasnt right in this phrase. I wrote my corrections in color.

While in her biology classroom all by herself, she never noticed the guy who she has been in love with from 1st grade walked in.

She never noticed the guy who she loved since first grade, come in, while she was in her biology classroom by herself.

Isnt this better?
Happy writing!

Thanks...for the encouragement..much better...didn't even think of that..thanks though

This was great. I know it's a short story but I think making it a tiny bit longer could have given it a better understanding. The first couple of sentences definitely had my attention. I loved how you described everything so precisely. Keep up the good work!

Thank you keekers ....will extend it though....

I personally don't find it too confusing. I found my own meaning when I read it. I don't know if that is within your intentions, but hey, art is what we want it to be.

You did a very nice job with imagery. It's obvious that something is wrong with this girl. What I want to know is how she feels, not how it looks like she feels. Does she feel empty, angry, confused, hopeless? Towards the end, she seems to change her priorities. The ending was a tangle to me, so I can't really give honest critique. But anyway, she goes from trying to blend into atmosphere ( or in other words, she doesn't want to be noticed, she doesn't seem to care ) to deciding that she needs to fix her problem. Well... I think that's what she was trying to do. Again, confused.

Confusion can be good though! I don't want you to think that I'm trying to change your story into something completely different. If you like it, you like it and that's great. Either way, I hope this helped and have an amazing evening!