Young Writers Society

So I wrote this when I was a little down, so it might be a little rough. Please "like" my story at the top if you like it. But anyways, enjoy!!




We were walking along the sidewalk, heading to our favorite coffee place. You were in your summer clothes, with bright colors of yellow and blue. I remember how much you were laughing and smiling at everything I said.

We had gotten to a crosswalk, and were waiting for the light to turn red to cross. It happened all so fast.

We started crossing and I heard tires screech as a brake was put upon them forcibly. I glanced to the right and saw a delivery truck heading straight for us. I looked at her and back at the truck and realized what was going to happen.

Out of fear and adrenaline, I quickly pushed her to the side, moving her out of the way. The truck missed her and kept going. Screaming was the last thing I remember before everything went dark.

I could hear people talking, but it seemed as if they were really far away. I tried yelling out to them, but I couldn’t find my voice. It felt as if something was pressing down upon my throat to restrict my breathing.

I fell asleep, and when I woke, everything was still dark. I could hear the voices again. They sounded more urgent than before. I could make out some of the words that were being said.

“Going!....Shock!!...Lungs are collapsing!...Nurse!” Nurse? I thought to myself, before I faded away again. I didn’t wake up again. At least, not alive.

When I opened my eyes, I saw my own face. A jolt of shock and fear went through me as I started “down” upon my bloodied and bruised face. There was a deep gash along my forehead and my skin was purple.

I “floated” down and saw that I was in a bed, to be more specific, a hospital bed. Still not realizing what was going on, but curious as to what happened to me, I looked to the rest of my body.

My chest was black and blue and crushed. Both my arms were stretched out at awkward angles and I had no legs. Another wave of shock and pain coursed through me as I finally realized what happened.

A memory started coming back to me. “I... I... pushed somebody out of the way.” I thought to myself. “And then I heard... Screaming?” I shook my head. It was obvious that I was either dead or on the verge of death.

I floated up so that I could get a view of the room. A monitor was next to the bed and there were several people surrounding me. They weren’t people in white, they were faces which looked familiar but I couldn’t place them.

One person stuck out of the people. Her once bright colored clothes were stained dark red and she was crying convulsively next to the bed. Her hands were wrapped around mine and she had her head on them. Her whole body was shaking from the emotions that she was feeling.

I remembered who she was! If I still had a heart, it would’ve started hurting as I realized who she was. She was the girl that I loved...

I hovered above her and tried to go down next to her. I made it, and when I tried to put my hand on her shoulder to tell her that I was still here, my hand passed through her and I quickly pulled back.

She shivered when I did that and someone else passed through me and knelt next to her. A face of surprise came across me when the person passed through me. I really was a ghost...

I looked down at her, and made a decision. I would become her guardian angel and keep her safe from harm....

I stayed with her forever, protecting her.....

This is such a sweet story. I really enjoyed reading it. You are such a good writer. I feel like this story just abruptly ended, though. It's almost as if it should have been longer and more descriptive. Like maybe stating a process that he would have to go through to become her guardian angel or maybe describing some of the moments after to he decided to become her guardian angel. You could even turn this into a novel or series!!!Keep writing!! You are really good and with some more practice you could become a well-known author.

This is adorable!! It's so sweet, but also sad (I mean, obviously. The dude dies, and leaves behind his girlfriend! I should stop rambling now).

Like AnAmericanTeenager said, it seemed like it ended abruptly. It also seemed rushed and I didn't get a lot of feelings out of it. The readers have no clue what they look like besides her in her bright summer clothes (good job getting the season in there, super pro!), or where they are, besides in a town headed towards their favorite coffee place.

Overall, it's a cute story. You definitely have potential and I look forward to more stories from you ^__^

So far I find this great. It's very sweet, but also shares sadness and depth. I had a hard time finding any corrections. It flows well, and there were no choppy sentences.
However, I think the ending was a bit to sharp. That's just me, though. I like dramatic endings, or something that really touches the reader. While I liked your ending, I'd like to see a bit more.
Great job, your writing is very vivid and creative.

Hello there.

To begin with, I'll point out a few nitpicks and then I'll move on with my overall impression on your story.

She was in your summer clothes, with bright colors of yellow and blue. I remember how much she was laughing and smiling at everything I said.

You write 'her' for the rest of the story, so I think you have to write 'her/she' as well in the beginning, since it doesn't match the rest of the story.

I... I... pushed somebody out of the way comma, I thought to myself. And then I heard... Screaming?

This sentences should be in italics because they are direct thoughts.

Overall, I liked the plot, it's really cute and meaningful, but the pace was a little bit off. It was fast, when it should have been more slow, with lots of details and emotions. When you have a story like that, you want to make sure that the reader feels the emotions your characters are feeling. Because this is what will make the piece an excellent piece. Showing instead of telling will help with that. Thoughts instead of narration, imagery instead of description... You get what I mean. This has great potential, and I really like what you've done with it so far, but I'm sure you can take it a notch higher and I know it'd be amazing if you did.

I like the ending. The fact that you hinted at what was about to come was really good. We don't need you to tell us exactly how it went to know what's in the future for the MC. It's great.

Keep writing!

-Other One

Hi there!

You made me cry! I am a huge sucker for romance and sad endings, and this one totally made me cry! I loved the plot, how the guy sacrifices himself for his love, then dies later on and becomes her gaurdian angel. You picked the perfect title! I think it ended pretty well, considering it's a short story, although it could go a bit longer. I don't really have any nit-picks for you, because I didn't find any! Awesome job and keep it up!

- gleek456 <3

Hey there!

We were walking along the sidewalk, heading to our favorite coffee place. You were in your summer clothes, with bright colors of yellow and blue. I remember how much you were laughing and smiling at everything I said.

We had gotten to a crosswalk, and were waiting for the light to turn red to cross. It happened all so fast.

They say the first sentence is supposed to hook the reader, draw them into the story. I think you should begin with a bang, replace the first two lines (We were walking along the sidewalk..) with the third sentence. (We had gotten to a crosswalk). Get me?

“Going!....Shock!!...Lungs are collapsing!...Nurse!”

Joshuapaul taught me to avoid ellipses as much as possible in a story.

I didn’t wake up again. At least, not alive.

Love that But I think if you put 'At least, not alive' on its own, it would be even better.

“I... I... pushed somebody out of the way.” I thought to myself. “And then I heard... Screaming?”

Don't put thoughts in speech marks.

A face of surprisecame across me when the person passed through me.

That doesn't sound right. Replace it with something else to show his surprise.

I would become her guardian angel and keep her safe from harm....

I stayed with her forever, protecting her.....

Sweet, but cheesy and cliche. Also, it sounds like you're trying too hard to make it fit with the title. So just find another, unique, interesting way to say he was going to be her guardian angel.

The idea was sweet though; apart from the above it was pretty good. Well done! Hope I helped!

Hey there Jalmoc, I'm going to start reviewing by spotting the errors than I'd give my opinion later.

Note: There might be some parts of my review said by the others, sorry about that because I didn't have enough time to read theirs first.

My chest was black and blue and crushed.

> The underlined 'and' is better replaced with a comma.

Loved your story especially that sad tragic ending. It is quite enjoyable to read and shows that you're a talented writer.
Well done!

Oh gosh, you got me teared up! So sweet and so romantic!!!

'One person stuck out of the people. Her once bright colored clothes were stained dark red and she was crying convulsively next to the bed. Her hands were wrapped around mine and she had her head on them. Her whole body was shaking from the emotions that she was feeling.'

^^^ That line was so sad!!!
AWW Ok, I need some tissues now.

GREAT JOB!!!

*sob*