Young Writers Society

First short story ever, hope you like it! ^__^

"I know how serious you were about Alex, Kayla, but it's seriously better if you just forget him. He's not worth it. Tell you what; let's go to that new club in town and get that jerk off your mind, alright?" My best friend Amanda suggested.
I nodded, feeling defeated as I wiped away my tears. Forgetting that 'jerk' who dumped me yesterday, which by the way was a day before my twenty-second birthday, would be great. Getting drunk would be even better, because I'm sure I wouldn't be able to forget him. I changed into a plain, halter topped black mini-dress and put on my four inch black platform stilettos. I Looked into the mirror after doing my make up and hair. I smiled, I looked hot. Even he would be jealous. "Let's go, let's go! We still got to meet-" Amanda stopped short and changed her story "There's going to be a huge line!"
"That dress looks amazing on you!" I replied as she walked away in her strapless white dress that showed off her every curve, not realizing her slip up in words.
"Hey!" I said, surprised to see my other best friend, Carly, and her boyfriend Ben.
"Surprise!" Carly exclaimed, her gorgeous, dark brown eyes sparkling with excitement, "Happy birthday!"
I laughed, "I totally wasn't expecting you! Did you plan this Amanda?"
Amanda laughed, "Yup! I was scared I'd messed up earlier, but you didn't seem to notice."
I grinned and nodded, "Actually, I didn't. Are we ready to go party though?"
I felt a stab of pain as Carly and Ben walked in hand in hand. Normally Alex would have put his arm around my waist and never let me leave his side at a club. He's a jealous man. At least, he was.
Then I saw him. My friends and I were walking up to the door to get in. Just like in a movie, the wind blew his black, eyebrow length hair away from his oval shaped face. I saw his deep green eyes and, for some reason, the annoyance on his face. My breathing stopped, and my heart skipped beats several times. My friends knew the bouncer, so they got V.I.P treatment. “Kayla, hurry up!” Carly called. I realized I’d been starring. I ran to catch up with them, flushing with embarrassment and hoping he hadn’t noticed. I looked back at the tall, semi-muscular man, who had just stopped with a pretty girl. He looked at me, and I felt butterflies in my stomach. I smiled shyly, and he returned it softly, then he looked back at the girl who he was talking to. I turned away, suddenly not wanting to get drunk or party. I wanted to find myself in his arms. It happened in a second.

I sighed, not wanting to go to the new club; it was, well, new. That meant a lot of people were going to be there and there’d be a huge line to get in. Too bad it was my best friend’s, Caleb’s, twenty-first birthday and he wanted to go there. Also too bad Karina was also going to be there. Karina is Caleb’s stunning, annoying, blond sister that just loved my body. Everyone knew how serious she was about getting in bed with me. I tried my best to get rid of her, but she just didn’t seem to get the hint. I wanted something serious, not just a one night stand. I even changed my hair back to black because she loved my dyed blond hair!
We were walking toward the bar when she approached me. I closed my deep green eyes, took a deep breath, and stopped to talk to her.
Then I saw her. She and her friends were just driving up to the club. Just like in a movie, her window was rolled down messing with her hair brown, waist length hair framing her heart shaped face. I swear her sky blue eyes were out of this world. My breathing stopped, and my heart skipped beats several times. “Take your time, Matt,” Caleb said, nodding towards his sister. I just nodded and turned my attention to Karina. I looked back towards the gorgeous girl just moments later, who was about to walk in. She was already looking at me, and I felt butterflies in my stomach. She smiled shyly, and I returned it softly. I turned my attention back to the matter at hand, suddenly not wanting to talk to Karina or party. I wanted to find myself in that girl’s arms. It happened in a second.

“Dude, that girl at the bar is super hot!” Caleb said to Matt nodding towards Kayla, who was at the bar. “Go for it!” Caleb exclaimed.
“Why don’t you?” Matt asked.
“Dude, really? Natasha would kill me!” Caleb replied.
“You guys got back together for what, the fifth time?” Matt asked, not really surprised they’d gotten back together.
Caleb shrugged, “Yeah well, it was just a misunderstanding!” He replied defensively.
Matt smiled, “Natasha’s a great girl. I’ll be right back!”
He walked towards the empty seat by Kayla, heart racing. He sat down and ordered a martini, then snuck a look at her. She looked at him and instinctively he looked away. He dared another look after what seemed like forever, and found her looking at him. They both smiled shyly and looked away. Finally he spoke, “Can I buy you a drink?”
She nodded with a soft smile, “I’d like that.”
They didn’t get another one, but talked. Two hours later, everyone saw the two hottest people in the club walk out hand in hand and knew the relationship they had was something else. It was obvious they wanted to talk, to get to know each other, to just be with each other. It happened in a second.

I think that this is pretty nice! It was a creative idea. I don't want to get too grammatical but there was one paragraph that bothered me.

Micheley wrote:
Then I saw her. She and her friends were driving up to the club. Just like in a movie, her window was rolled down messing with her brown, waste length hair framing her heart shaped face. Her sky blue eyes took my breath away. My breathing stopped You just mentioned how it took his breath away!, and my heart skipped several times. “Take your time, Matt,” they said Who said that?. I just nodded and turned my attention to Karina. I looked back towards the gorgeous girl, who was about to walk in. She was already looking at me, and I felt butterflies in my stomach. She smiled shyly, and I returned it softly. I turned my attention back to the matter at hand, suddenly not wanting to talk or party. I wanted to find myself in that girl’s arms. It happened in a second.

I took out some words that weren't needed. Those were only suggestions. You don't have to change it.

I liked the girls point of view. I don't think you have to get too descriptive about the way that they look because overall, the readers don't care very much. This is only a short story, so we aren't as curious. We just want the story.

I would have liked the boys point of view better if it wouldn't have been as similar as the first. Rather than commenting on how he also dyed his hair because of the girl, think of something else. That would give it more realism and we would feel more drawn. I love how the girl broke up with her boyfriend, but the guy simply wanted this girl he was currently with to back off. That's what I'm talking about, realism. If you would have said that they both broke up with a love interest, readers would find the characters too similar and it would seem silly.

The last paragraph was ok, but I think you could come up with something more clever or creative. but that's just my opinion. I found myself losing interest once I begin reading that paragraph.

Overall, I want you to know that I love this and this is just some advice and honest criticism. Like I said, it's your story, and don't change anything you don't want to! I hope this helped and have a nice evening!

Good evening! I'm Jayleigh and I'm going to help as best I can to better your writing. First short story? I know it can be a little difficult. I've had struggles keeping things short and sweet. Well, let's begin...

First short story ever, hope you like it! ^__^

It all happened then, on my twenty-first birthday, September twenty-second.

Hmm. I'm not sure about this sentence. It is your first sentence and it's not exaclty screaming, "Read me! I am a great story!"

and opened my car door to go party.

Generally, I understand what "go party" means. However, it doesn't hurt to explain what it is that she will be doing. Going to a bar? Going to someone's house party?

Just like in a movie, the wind blew his black, eyebrow length hair away from his oval shaped face, revealing his deep green eyes.

Gimminie Crickets, that's a lot of commas. I don't think the last one is really necessary.

My breathing stopped, and my heart skipped beats several times.

Why would she go to a club that he'd ever be at? Even if it was coincidence.

“Kayla, hurry up!” They called.

Lower case L

I ran to catch up with them in my four inch high heels.

Describe what that feels like. Don't just leave it to my imagination.


Alright, enough line by line nitpicking. I would continue, but for time's sake, I'll just say that a lot of it is just the same grammatical mistakes.

First-- Somehow make the difference in narrators more obvious. I didn't get it at first and I thought it just repeated at first.

Second-- Having your two MCs say just about the exact same thing is very... unoriginal and not exactly interesting to read. I understand what you're trying to accomplish but try creating two completely different personas and background stories so that when you bring it to the table, they're different.

Third-- I have very strong advice for the grammatical errors. Read. After reading so much, you'll begin to understand the rules. Just read.

Fourth-- Read what you write out loud. When you pause, usually a comma belongs in the sentence. Also, this helps with any awkward sentences you've created.

Fifth-- You need to do more describing. You do well with eye color and hair color, but what about feelings? Show how nervous or even angry she could be for seeing her ex on the night she wants to just forget about her. You know?

Overall: There isn't any major plot in your story. There isn't a storyline (beginning, middle and END) Go back and map it out. Make an outline on what you want to incorporate into your story and what doesn't really belong.
That's all I can really say about this piece. Good effort! Thumbs up.

--Jayleigh

I really like your style. You went from her PoV to his, and interconnected them very well. The story itself is really good, especially if this is your very first short story. Some sentences were a little confusing, but overall it's a very good short read. Being one who personally loves continuations and sequels, I think you should somehow incorporate this short story into, I don't know, maybe a future one of yours? Maybe if you ever get to the point of writing a full-length story, have it refer to this short? You know what I mean?

It seems that the people who have commented above have hit most, if not all, my observations when it comes to Grammar and Sentence Construction. Great job!

One last little note, you should try connecting some sentences. Some were very short and clumped with other short sentences. Otherwise, very nice short!

(First review, sorry if it's not as in-depth as it should be.)