Young Writers Society

I just don’t really understand. I try to add all the bits up together but they keep contradicting each other. The negative’s and positive’s cancel out which equals zero-nothing. I certainly feel like nothing right now. I’m sitting at the back of the bus, which, like me, is nearly empty by this stage. The world outside is beautiful, the sky is pure and blue and the sun is flickering through the trees in a kaleidoscope colour, but I don’t see its beauty. I almost wish the world could be cold and raining right now. Despite my earlier thoughts, I’m most definitely not over him. Well I should say- not over this. This isn’t something confined to the body of a person, it’s a colossal mess. It’s a blackened and burnt out field that still manages to consume everything in its reach. I feel almost ill. The poison is at the centre of my stomach, a black liquid that makes it ever so slightly harder to breathe. I feel like I could fade away, right here. Like if I get up I will leave myself behind on this bus, which will take me somewhere far away to a blissful place called nowhere.

I’m lingering in my sadness. I’m stuck in this morass and making no attempt to get free. Sure you could call it self-pity but to me it’s more than that. Let me be. The emotion works simultaneously with a physical feeling of illness. Have you ever donated blood? Well it leaves you tingling with loss and slightly faint. He has taken so much more than my blood. I can survive without a litre of blood- my body will replenish it and reach a level of equilibrium again. But this…. Equanimity is only too temporary.

They talked about you today. I never hear anything nice. It’s always something like “I could seriously punch him sometimes” or “He looks like he thinks he’s awesome”. The worst part was, that today, I agreed, saying: “You should” and “That because he does”. Shock. How could I say that? Take half a year away and I wouldn’t have been able to say that about anyone. But you, I’m so mixed up in my feelings about you- I’m tangled and strung up always swinging between love and hate. And yet you force me to keep quiet and act indifferent. You want me to stay still and quiet in my hanging. This has corrupted me. I have learnt and grown from it-gained new parts to replace some of the old. I’ve also lost parts that I’m not going to get back. That’s what hurts. That’s why my eyes started to water as I pushed past the people. Not because I could actually cry, no, you have to be human to cry and right now I’m nothing. I hear a male voice, ever so quiet call out Rachel. But I don’t risk turning around because I’m so desperate to get out of there. Too many times I’ve turned around to see that the call was intended for another, perhaps more life-like Rachel, I couldn’t risk turning around and showing people my discomposure.

There hasn’t been a lunchtime this week where I haven’t been in rapture at the start and ended troubled. But maybe I’m not telling you the whole story here. Maybe something my friend said added to my troubles. She asked me, innocently if you had girlfriend. I asked “what”, even though I knew exactly what she’d said, this bought me an extra second to take it in. She told me she thought he did. My mind rejected the idea.
“I don’t think so” I’d said confidently but really where was the evidence? The evidence was based only in my trust in him. He’d told me that he’d had relationship troubles thus he didn’t want one for a while. Not until he’d finished school, that’s what he’d told me. He’d said he was still trying to get over an ex. Suddenly this confidence crumbles in front of me and with it melts away the trust. Its not jealously that saddens me, it’s the loss of faith. HE’D BEEN PRETENDING ALL THE TIME. The rumour spread through me like wildfire and I questioned his every intention. Had talking to me, being friendly, being nice had that all been just pretence? It was sickening to see how much that solution made sense, that’s why he could leave me so easily, because for him it was never anything more than a lie.

Hey there! I really enjoyed reading this!
here are a few flaws, i hope you don't mind

I just don’t really understand. I try to add all the bits up together but they keep contradicting eachother. The negative’s and positive’s cancel out which equals zero- nothing. I certainly feel like nothing right now. I’m sitting at the back of the bus, which, like me, is nearly empty by this stage. The world outside is beautiful, the sky is pure and blue and the sun is flickering through the trees in a kaleidoscope colour but I don’t see its beauty. I almost wish the world could be cold and raining right now. Despite my earlier thoughts, I’m most definitely not over him. Well I should say- not over this. This isn’t something confined to the body of a person, it’s a colossal mess. It’s a blackened and burnt out field that still manages to consume everything in its reach. I feel almost ill. The poison is at the centre of my stomach, a black liquid that makes it ever so slightly harder to breathe. I feel like I could fade away, right here. Like if I get up I will leave myself behind on this bus, which will take me somewhere far away to a place called nowhere.is this a good thought or a bad one? does she want this to happen?

I’m wallowing in my sadness. I’m stuck in this morass and making no attempt to get free. Sure you could call it self-pity but to me it’s more than that. Let me be. The emotion works simultaneously with a physical feeling of illness. Have you ever donated blood? Well it leaves you tingling with loss and slightly faint. He has taken so much more than my blood. I can survive without a litre of blood- my body will replenish it and reach a level of equilibrium again. But this…. Equanimity is only too temporary.

They talked about you today. I never hear anything nice. It’s always something like “I could seriously punch him sometimes” or “He looks like he thinks he’s awesome”. The worst part was, that today, I agreed, saying: “You should” and “That because he does”. Shock. How could I say that? Take half a year away and I wouldn’t have been able to say that about anyone. But you, I’m so mixed up in my feelings about you- I’m tangled and strung up always swinging between love and hate. And yet you force me to keep quiet and act indifferent. You want me to stay still and quiet in my hanging. This has corrupted me. I have learnt and grown from it-gained new parts to replace some of the old. I’ve also lost parts that I’m not going to get back. That’s what hurts. That’s why my eyes started to water as I pushed past the people. Not because I could actually cry, no, you have to be human to cry and right now I’m nothing. I hear a male voice, ever so quiet call out Rachel. But I don’t risk turning around because I’m so desperate to get out of there. Too many times I’ve turned around to see that the call was intended for another Rachel, I couldn’t risk turning around and showing people my discomposure.

There hasn’t been a lunchtime this week where I haven’t been in rapture at the start and ended troubled. But maybe I’m not telling you the whole story here. Maybe something my friend said added to my troubles. She asked me, innocently if you had girlfriend. I asked “what”, even though I knew exactly what she’d said, this bought me an extra second to take it in. She told about a relationship status she thought she’d seen.
“Oh I don’t know. I don’t think so. But I wouldn’t know, he still has me blocked on Facebook.,” I said
When I’d said “I don’t think so” I’d meant “probably not” but I really had no solid evidence behind it. It was all because I trusted him. He’d told me that he’d had relationship troubles thus he didn’t want one for a while. Not until he’d finished school, that’s what he’d told me. He’d said he was still trying to get over an ex. Its not jealously that saddens me, it’s the loss of faith. HE’D BEEN PRETENDING ALL THE TIME. The rumour spread through me like wildfire and I questioned his every intention. Had talking to me, being friendly, being nice had that all been just pretence? It was sickening to see how much that solution made sense, that’s why he could leave me so easily, because for him it was never anything more than a lie.

I was curious as to if this is a true story. It's brillient and terribly sad. I know exactly how Rachel feels. What exactly happened between the two of them? i am really interested in knowing more about this.

~Blondie Missy Angel~

Hi there,

I’m wallowing in my sadness.

This didn't fit in with the rest of the piece, for me. Cause everything else sounded beautiful and poetic, but this sentence sounded like you dropped the quality a notch. It sounded melodramatic. Just get rid of it.

She asked me, innocently if you had a girlfriend.

The Facebook thing didn't cut it for me. It was like, everything was so emotional, and then plop. Facebook. I don't know, like the other sentence I pointed it, Facebook didn't fit into the mood of this piece at all. Maybe find some other way to bring up the relationship.

Apart from those, it was good as usual. It reads genuine, cause you're writing from your heart, and you're describing everything Rachel is going through so well. Great job. And I'm glad you're okay now.

Ohai, Rachel.

Hmm.. Could you be this character in your story? It seems likely considering the name similarity and all. I have to say, I very much do favor these truthful tales over made up ones. It's so much easiers to capture the preside emotion you have going on in your head. Whereas with a madeup story, you must pinpoint the exact emotions you're striving to portray. If you don't do it accurately and sincerely, the story sort of flops. I think you did a pristine job here in pinpointing your emotions. You spilled out everything so beautifully into words, and I have no real objections to the content.

You had a unique way of describing the way this character was hurt. It wasn't just one precise thought or feeling. It was a jumbled mess of a complex assortment of feelings and emotions. I think that's where you strived in your story really. Everything made sense the way you had it all mesh together. There was no contradictory statement to these feelings portrayed, which is what I often times find to be troubling in some love pieces. You strayed away from the obvious and made this special and personal. So really great job.

I think one of my favorite parts was when you were explaining the way this character felt about being so hurt. You compared it to being worse than the feeling of losing blood. Which is a very powerful statement I might add. It could have easily seemed as overdramatic, but you explained your reasoning very well and very realistically. I could only admire such an almost metaphor. It was beautiful and captivating. Reading on gave you that sort of breathless feeling you might only achieve when getting kicked in the stomach. x) In a nutshell, I might call it awesome.

Overall, think you've done a splendid job. I really don't have any complaints as it was a good read in my opinion. It was clear and to the point, even with all the dips and turns provided emotionally. Keep up the great work!

-Smylin'