Young Writers Society

Authors Notes: this is my first romantic short story. I'm so excited! this is also the first thing I have submitted on here. Ok, so here it goes

Everytime He Smiles:

Why didn't he know that everytime he smiles, I get the chills?
Why didn't he know that everytime we happen to be alone together I find myself wishing I could tell him how I feel?
Why didn't he know that when he says my name I can't breath?
Why didn't he know that I tryed not to cry when he said him and his girlfriend were taking it to a new level?
Why didn't he know I've loved him since I met him?

I know I should tell him... but I'm a shy girl. I'll always be shy.

I was sitting on a park bench alone when he walked up. I tryed hard not to blush.

"Hey," he greeted sitting down.
"Hi," I answered.
"You know Riley?" he asked. Riley. Gosh how I hate that name. His perfect girlfriend's name
"Yeah."
"Well, I broke up with her. I told her there's someone else who I love with all my heart," he said. Butterflies were in my stomach.
"Oh..."
"I... need to say this. It's the girl I've been in love with ever since I met her. I thought she didn't realize it but then I knew she loved me the same way. Whenever she smiles I get the chills.When we're alone I just want to say how perfect she is. When she says my name... I can't breath. I've loved her for a long time. Do you know who she is?"

"No, I can't even guess," I mumbled. He stood up then pulled me up too. He wrapped his arms around my waist. My heart was raising a mile a minute.

"It's you."
I gasped a little as he kissed me softly. I was to shocked to respond but after a while I kissed him back with the same loving way he was kissing me.

We stayed there for a long time....

Now, were married and have two kids. Still, everytime he smiles I get the chills.

Hello! I will be your reviewer

that I tryed

It's actually 'tried'.

he greeted, sitting down

Yes? No? Maybe? This is only an option

That's about the only things I can correct.
Comments: I felt as if it could have been longer and the ending was kind of rushed.
Other than that, it was a wonderful first try

This is adorable!

It's a very, very short story, but I think that works. My main suggestion would be to push all those questions at the top into one paragraph, then it will read a bit more like a story and less like a poem. Padding it out a bit would be good, too. Like, what's the weather like? What does his smile look like, and what makes it so special. When you're in love with someone you notice everything about them that you wouldn't notice with other people. What does this girl notice about him.

Overall this is really sweet, and there's a lot of emotion in it. You've still got some practice to do but this is a great start!

So I thought it was incredibly cheesy. The ending was unbelievably happy and I actually thought (perhaps cruelly) that it would just end with her waking up from a lovely dream to find that no, her life is not a wonderful, perfect kiss in the middle of a park, it is in fact the same horrid situation she was in when she went to sleep. In that respect, you need a bit more fluid transition here because you jumped several years without even a side note about brief setbacks. Perhaps if the ending were placed just a year later that might make it slightly more believable.
The part that I find most unbelievable, really, is that the guy realized that he really loved the main character. People are dumb. Guys are dumber. Partly because girls don’t tell us stuff. So this guy spontaneously became smart.
I guess it is fiction. And it’s always been my mantra to never say a character is unrealistic because it’s not supposed to be realistic.
Blah, I’m such a hypocrit.
Anyway, this was actually quite a refreshing story. Most romance stories are either flat-out offensive or depressingly realistic. I guess every relationship needs a little cheesiness in it, otherwise it’ll likely get really sad.
So congratulations, you’ve made a good cheesy love story. Well done.

This is an adorable little story. Grats on it being your first post!

I think this could use some beefing up, though. It needs meat! While you have a story, the scene is fairly short, and the conflict isn't too big... Short stories, and novels alike, have some basic pieces: Beginning, conflict, resolution. So what do you have?

Beginning: girl talks about how much she loves this guy
Conflict: Oh no! guy has a girlfriend... but only for a few lines because then he says:
Resolution: he broke up with his girlfriend and loves the narrator.

not much challenge, is there? If you REALLY want to make an awesome story out of this give the narrator some conflict, something to struggle over. Maybe write it more actively, than passively. Write scenes of the narrator pining for the boy, the boy struggling to break up with his girlfriend after realizing he really loves his friend. Write a scene of them at their wedding, maybe, talking about that very story... there is SO MUCH you can add to this lil short story to give it more depth, life, and memorability. As it stands, while this is cute, it's... simplistic. But still, a good start!

Keep on keepin' on.

Breath should be breathe. tryed should be tried. You used the wrong "to." You could probably go into a little more detail about how crushed she was, about him and his girlfriend. That's just my opinion. I really like the story. It's simple and cute. However, I feel like the last paragraph is a little out of place. That's just my opinion, again. You don't have to change anything, it's really beautiful and sweet. Good luck with whatever else you write.
-tgirly

This is pretty cool i like it!

Awwww !! So first off, this story was quite short and well there wasn't much drama or intrigue as I first thought there would be. -__-

But it was great!! I loved it!

I liked the beginning where you were like

Why didn't he know that everytime he smiles, I get the chills?
Why didn't he know that everytime we happen to be alone together I find myself wishing I could tell him how I feel?
Why didn't he know that when he says my name I can't breath?
Why didn't he know that I tryed not to cry when he said him and his girlfriend were taking it to a new level?
Why didn't he know I've loved him since I met him?

And then how you also end it with

Now, were married and have two kids. Still, everytime he smiles I get the chills.

To me, this simple sentence showed just how much love is powerful. And even though they were together for many years, she still can't get used to him. Like she's so terribly in love!

Happy writing, keep rocking!

I love this short story!

I feel as though you're making it like a poem, and change is good! The combination is refreshing.

I think you repeat "Why doesn't he know" a little too many times. Every other time would be nice.

But I love your descriptions here.

One grammatical error that I caught. Sorry! I try not to be a grammar nit-pick, but I just can't help it!

"were married" should be "we're married."

Overall, excellent masterpiece. You should be proud of yourself.

Are you sure this is your first romance short story?

Keep writing!

I love your conclusion by the way.

Hello there!

I see that you have quite a few grammatical errors in your writing. Are you new to YWS? I wrote like this a couple of years ago but with the help of the people on YWS I've improved! So, you just need a little help. You are a good writer and the passion is clearly there, but you just need to be given the key points.

Firstly, I think this piece would be a lot smoother if it were written in the present tense. Now, usually this would not be the case. Past tense is often the easiest and best way of writing a story. It would usually be reccomended. But as I was reading through your story, I thought to myself that the flow was awkward. For example:

Why didn't he know that everytime we happen to be alone together I find myself wishing I could tell him how I feel?

Why didn't he know that when he says my name I can't breath?

Why didn't he know that I tryed not to cry when he said him and his girlfriend were taking it to a new level?

I think this would be so much better written in present tense. Like this:

Why doesn't he know that everytime we are alone together, I find myself wishing I could tell him how I feel?

Why doesn't he know thay when he says my name I can't breathe?

Why doesn't he know that I tried not to cry when he told me that him and his girlfriend were taking their relationship to a new level?

I also noticed through reading this, that you have trouble staying in the same tense the whole way through. You switch your tenses rather quickly, which can be confusing and off putting for your readers. This is a problem I once had, and with a bit of practise you will be just fine.

You seem to have trouble with commas too. May I suggest this website to help you: http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/commas.asp

This piece was very sweet, but I think you should be aiming at something a bit more original. These stories have been written on here lots of times, even by myself when I started out. It's a very cliché storyline, and the readers will know what happens next.

I don't mean to be discouraging, but these are things that have to be said. I had to be told for my work to improve, and I'm very glad that the reviews are so helpful. Honestly, if you take these comments on board you will keep getting better. All it takes is practise and advise. Keep posting your writing, and if you like I will review them if you ask me to.

By no means should you ever stop writing. I'm just here to help. (I hope I helped!)

If you have any questions please message me.
You are talented, remember that.

Good luck!