Young Writers Society

I was sixteen when Savannah's mom died.

We met in high school and I fell in love with her. I just had to prove it to her so, junior year, she was pregnant with Savannah. Nine months later, my daughter was coming but I never knew that her mom was leaving too.

The experience was horrendous yet beautiful. I watched as my daughter appeared and the nurse put her in my arms. I gave her to her mother who was still panting from labor. Then her skin color dropped a few more shades, until she was as white as the pillow. The nurses took Savannah from her arms and rushed me out of the room. I kept banging on the door, demanding to see my daughter and her mother, but they wouldn't let me in. When I finally managed to make it inside the room, a sheet was put over my Ariel's body. The nurses didn't need to tell me anything. I was very well aware of what happened.

Savannah was born during the summer so I didn't have to worry about school when I went through a stage of depression. My mom took care of my daughter, but kept bothering me about school and taking responsibility. The more she nagged, the more I shut myself in. I wanted to die

One day, I decided to join Ariel. I decided to poison myself with the gas from my mom's car. She was a single mother but I had brothers. I won't be missed that much. I sneaked out of my room in the night but the sound of crying held me. Savannah was crying. I went to her room and rocked her to sleep. I had slept in her room with her in my arms and then I realized it. She had a striking resemblance to her mother.

From that day on, I raised Savannah with ten times the care of an overprotective father. I loosened up when she got older but whenever I noticed that she got attention from a male figure, a wave of jealousy took over me. She looked just like Ariel and the way I lived with my daughter, made me feel like that was how I would feel if Ariel was still alive.

I held no sexual attraction towards my daughter, oh God. But as I hold her hand now, walking her down this aisle, I can't seem to let go. She reminds me of Ariel so much. The smile, the hair, the eyes; everything.

Her fiancee, Daniel, could break her heart countless times. I wanted to take Savannah and run away from here. But then again, even when I thought I let go of Ariel, I never did. If I wanted to, I had to let go of Savannah. It was only healthy.

"Dad, are you okay?" Savannah whispered to me

I looked at her and realized I had never let go of her when we got to the front of the aisle. I let out a nervous chuckle and the church laughed with me.

"Just, be safe darling," I told her "Just be safe."

A tear rolled down my cheek and she came and hugged me. She had that same apple scent Ariel had. I let go of her and sat down on my seat.

When the wedding was nearly over, I felt a sudden chill next to me. I looked around me but the windows were shut and it was only summer. The church wasn't too air-conditioned.

"I pronounced you two, husband and wife. You may kiss the bride." said the priest

After exchanging a kiss, my daughter was out the door with her new husband. Everyone was exiting the church to go drive to the reception, but when I made it to the door, I realized I forgot my phone.

I went back in the church to where I sat and that chill came back. When I looked up, I nearly screamed. It was either my imagination, but there stood my Ariel. She could have been mistaken for Savannah's sister. She still looked like she was sixteen. Her blond curls fell on top of her shoulders and she still had that pink streak on her bangs. Her eyes were green like emeralds and her lips, I missed those lips.

"It's been twenty three years." I whispered.

"You did it Richard." she also whispered, and then she disappeared.

I got to the reception late but I came just in time for the father-daughter dance. Savannah's dress flowed to the music and I couldn't keep myself from crying at her beauty.

"You look so much like your mother." I told her.

She smiled at me. "I know dad. You've told me this before."

"Savannah, love can be read wrong. Some people may think they have love for something or someone when it's just their own personal desire," I told her and then wiped a tear."Savannah, love is true when the one you love comes before you."

She smiled and laid her head on my shoulder. "I love you daddy."

"I love you too."

It was a lesson that took me years to get. I loved Ariel and our Savannah but I did not love them enough to let go of Ariel through Savannah. Now, I had done it and I never felt so happy.

Hi there!

Wow...this is great! It's a really powerful piece and you kept me reading to the very end. Your character's are so real, the reader can definitely relate to them. This kind of situation is so real in the world right now and it happens a lot, sadly. So many mother's give birth and then don't make it through to see their child grow up or there's tragic accident later on that ends in the same fate. There are so many children that grow up with only one parent and it's tragic really.

Anyway, I really like how you chose to write this from the perspective of the father. I've never actually thought about it, but how on earth do these parents do it? How can they simply move on after losing their spouse? The answer is they can't and you did a good job describing that. You really got into his head and showed us how he was feeling. I like how you had Savannah be his new Ariel. It gave an uplifting tone to the story.

Overall I really enjoyed reading this! Keep writing!

Hey there!
This was very sweet. Your writing flowed very well. Your characters were awesome, you really made me care about them and what happened to them. Just a few nitpicks that I think would make it sound even better:

The nurses didn't need to tell me anything. I was very well aware of what happened.

One day, I decided to join Ariel. I decided to poison myself with the gas from my mom's car.

Too much decided.

I won't wouldn't be missed that much.

I held no sexual attraction towards my daughter, oh God no..

"Just, be safe darling," I told her. "Just be safe."

I went back in the church to where I sat and that chill came back. When I looked up, I nearly screamed. It was either my imagination, but there stood my Ariel. She could have been mistaken for Savannah's sister. She still looked like she was sixteen. Her blond curls fell on top of her shoulders and she still had that pink streak on her bangs. Her eyes were green like emeralds and her lips, I missed those lips.

"It's been twenty three years." I whispered.

What was she wearing? Also, I think he'd be really shocked when he saw her, I don't think he'd be ready to say, 'It's been twenty three years' right away. Show him looking a bit more shocked, or show a little more time passing.

"Savannah, love can be read wrong. Some people may think they have love for something or someone when it's just their own personal desire," I told her and then wiped a tear."Savannah, love is true when the one you love comes before you."

I didn't like this. The rest of the story was great, but this seemed melodramatic and unrealistic to me. It's like you're trying to hammer the reader over the head with your message.

It was a lesson that took had takenme years to get learn. I loved Ariel and our Savannah but I did not love them enough to let go of Ariel through Savannah. Now, I had done it and I never felt so happy.

Why would he feel happy letting go? Wouldn't it be sort of a bittersweet thing?

But great job otherwise. Keep writing!!

Hi there!


Oooh this is definitely sad. I really like it though. I think you've got a good, solid story line here! There are a couple of things that I do want to point out to you that I think would make this story run much more smoothly, and seem altogether more interesting!

I was sixteen when Savannah's mom died.

I don't think you should open this. I think you should move this so after we already know she's dead? Why? Well, sure, it's an attention grabber, and it is sorta interesting. However, since you already said this, the next few paragraphs are unnecessary. Why? Because we already know she's dead, you don't have to describe it. If you didn't have this sentence, then when the death came, your audience would be a lot more touched; a lot more sad.

I held no sexual attraction towards my daughter, oh God.

Haha, I was waiting for this, but I was hoping you weren't going to say it. It does make you think this at first, but then anyone with a sane mind would know by the end, if you deleted this sentence, that he was not attracted to her. Gross. So I would suggest deleting it, because it makes your writing seem a bit childish, which is weird because the rest of it is so deep and mature!

Wow, that's it. Ok, onto the rest of the review!

I think the plot is good, however I think towards the end it gets a little annoying. It's like "Oh, he felt a chill, but then he left! But then he remembered his phone. And he felt the chill again! And WOAH finally something interesting." You should have this happen a bit more smoothly. I mean, come on, why would he even forget his phone? Who texts during his daughters wedding?! And secondly, it kind of just draws out the boring. You should just have it be he's overwhelmed and he stays there, waiting for something, but not know what it is, something like that.

Other than those things, this is really good. It makes me sad. And I really like how it's different. There are a lot of stories on YWS that are the same as each other, but I've never read one like this.

Keep writing,

Classy