Young Writers Society

I accept any criticisms, don't hold back. I know it may be slightly confusing and I'm not sure whether anyone apart from me will find it romantic.



In a time of great difficulties and troubles and pains, September of the year 2011, a man was sketched, painted and his biography written out. This man was intended to lessen the troubles and hardship, a cunning plan, a plan which was excecuted completely behind my back. Or, in the far corner of my head, a place invisible to me. His life was brief in the first few months, just a basic outline whilst the machine thought up the more complicated detailing and gave him to me, on the climax of my adversity; December of the same year, in the festive Christmas holidays. The machine which moulded him out of the wisps in my head used an excuse to hand him over, making the whole thing so much more realistic. I was blind, my eyes wrapped in a wet, bloody blindfold, to this aid-mission. My mind sensed I was going to fall into this dark pit and created a ressurection phial, a plan B.

I didn't think much of this man, I wasn't meant to, my mind didn't want his full potential to be wasted here. They knew he was not going to help me in this stage so they waited, waited, let me sink then threw me right up into the sky. I should have known. I should have known it was all too sweet, all too sugary.
Then, as time passed, his character grew. There were more details, more strokes on his portait and more letters in his biography. His life was moulded in my head, the most amazing life, the most interessting of lives. He was a person. A real person. My imagination worked it's magic, manipuated my difficulties and my weaknesses to create a perfectly real person who would help me.

He'd speak like no one had ever spoken to me before, he'd have a family and intriguing interests. As time went by, my head would add elements and dimensions to this creation but as he became more and more real; he attained faults. I thought nothing of these faults, they added even more reality to him, but at the back of my mind, in the dark corner, an air of worry arised.

Day after day, week after week, I'd pretend I have someone. Ofcourse I didn't. It's mad, insane, completely unrealistic and I should have thought about it, thought about how I won't ever get someone so amazing.

Finally, I realise it. Finally, I have uncovered the truth. Finally, the bloody blindfold has been removed and I am allowed to see.
He's just in my head.

Hi 32. Alright so this is a pretty short piece of prose so this review may not be too long. Also, though it is under romance, it isn't the typical romance. It is very unique so I hope I do alright reviewing it.

As a reader I want to like a book or any sort of prose from a beginning, and for me to like something from the beginning there needs to be a few elements. It needs to begin at the beginning and I need to know how it relates to me.

O.K. so, did you know that if an newspaper story is too long they just chop off the last sentences? That means you should have the most important information at the top of the newspaper story, right? When you do this a reader will immediately know why they should read this, why it pertains to them. If someone was writing about an even would it be better to write like this:

Tomorrow during break time meet in the auditorium. There will be cake, cookies, and coffee. The speaker there will be David Hoffman. Oh, and we will also be discussing schedules for the next month.

Or this:

Tomorrow during break time meet in the auditorium so we can discuss everyone schedules for the next month. There will be a short speech by David Hoffman. There will also be cake, cookies, and coffee.

So, to someone who wants some free sweets the first example is fine, and obviously a few extra words are fine, but when we get into a longer piece of writing words turn into sentences, paragraphs, and even sometimes whole chapters!

Another thing that is important is to only use words that are needed. This is in the same concept of putting the most important information first. Extra words mean more time, and in this world time is of the essence. If I hadn't wanted to review your piece, honestly I would have stopped reading after the first paragraph, because I didn't really get what you were talking about. I didn't know why it mattered to me.

I am sorry I have to cut this off, but I hope I helped,

Calli

P.S. If you have any questions or if you want another review just shoot me a p.M.

I enjoyed this story but got slightly confusing at the end, to make it longer you might want to define what you mean by the line about "He's Just In My Head" It wasn't too romantic, but that's what I like about it It's very emotional, and different, which is all the things I like reading and writing about so... it was cool! x
Love,
EvensLily x

I liked it but it was rather confusing, you over detailed some of your points and didn't detail or explain others enough for example;
[quoteFinally, I realise it. Finally, I have uncovered the truth. Finally, the bloody blindfold has been removed and I am allowed to see.

He's just in my head
][/quote]

you could have gone into more detail about what this was about. I'm assuming from reading the rest of the poem the subject created this perfect lover only to then realise 'it was all in her head' but I could be wrong and you alway could have used colliqual langue at more points to make it easier to understand, to to need to be so wordy apart from that I think you have good talent and I like the darkness and the originality of the piece.

It's cute, I think this because we all ( as girls or boys) think of our perfect love in our heads, heck some of us even dream of them and it's heart breaking to find their not real and never can be.