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If You Like Pina Coladas....



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Gender: Female
Points: 891
Reviews: 24
Sat Sep 10, 2011 12:18 am
DaughterofEvil says...



"Oh…well, that's a bother."

Drops rolled down Hannah's nose as she angled her face towards the sky. Zeus was at it again, she liked to think, and sure enough a skinny branch of lightning scrambled across the underbellies of the clouds quicker than a blink. An approaching curtain of water threatened to engulf this part of the city, and if she didn't hurry Hannah would be caught in it like a cat in an aquarium.

"Well…nothing to do but go home," she muttered.

"Hello? Excuse me!"

She turned around just as she was about to step out from under the canopy that read The Cerulean Sea, and saw a young girl emerge from the bookstore. Warmth lit Hannah's eyes upon seeing her.

"Ah, Miss. Sanders…just about to close up?"

"Yes, it's that hour," she said, "but…where are you going?" Faith's brow scrunched as she watched Hannah run a hand through her wet hair and blow water from her nose. Even standing under the shop canopy, she was getting soaked.

"Home, I guess…" The taller girl shrugged.

A look of concern marked Faith's frown. "In this weather? And you're walking? You should take my umbrella."

Hannah almost laughed. Faith was never this talkative, not even when they first met last Sunday, when she chased her cat into the store and nearly toppled a display stand of books in the process. Normal people would've given her dirty looks, but Faith had just gotten this adorable flustered look about her and stammered out polite reprimands.

In fact, she was getting unusually flustered right now. Hannah cocked her head to the side and looked at the shorter girl closely. Faith was giving her an odd, intense look. Hannah glanced down shyly; only to notice her white shirt had soaked through already!

"Oh… are you worried I'll catch a cold of some sort?"

Faith hesitated, then repeated, "Please, take the umbrella in the back. You can return it later in the week."

The elder girl smiled. "I'm already all wet. Besides, don't you walk home as well?"

"Oh…" Faith deflated a tiny bit. Then her dark eyes brightened. "We can share the umbrella, can't we?"

iii

Faith watched, hands paused over the page of Hamlet she was reading, as her friend Hannah stood in front of her shop and looked up to the sky. Sighing, she looked back, looked away, repeated this, then dug her knuckles into her skull. "You moron…" she whispered to herself. As her gaze unconsciously turned back to the door, she noticed Hannah had begun to walk off. Faith impulsively threw down the book she was holding and rushed outside.

"Hello? Excuse me!"

She turned around. It hadn't been raining for half a minute but Hannah's shirt was already soaked through, and Faith couldn't help but wonder if she would be alright. Much to Faith's relief though, Hannah's eyes shone at her with that same lovely warmth.

"Ah, Miss. Sanders…just about to close up?"

"Yes, it's that hour. But," Faith frowned, "where are you going?"

"Home, I guess…"

"What? In this weather? And you're walking?" Faith blushed when she realized she had said that out loud. Then she offered, "You should take my umbrella."

Hannah looked amused, and Faith flushed. What was she doing, acting like a schoolgirl?! She should've just stayed inside…but her friend was drenched, and she couldn't resist extending the courtesy. Faith noticed that even though Hannah was wet enough to have stepped from the shower, her green eyes still shone brightly....

Hannah cocked her head, then glanced down at herself. "Oh god," Faith muttered under her breath, "Was I just staring at her? I'm such a moron!"

"Oh…are you worried I'll catch a cold of some sort?"

Yes…that was it. "Please, take the umbrella in the back," she urged. "You can return it later in the week."

Hannah's smile was so gentle as she reminded Faith that she would have to walk home too. But…they could walk together, right?

iii

Faith had offered to walk with her, but despite this friendliness she didn't seem to want to be touched at all.

Considering height, Hannah's friend almost made it to her shoulder, so she was having some difficulty keeping the umbrella high enough to encompass both of them. They looked so silly together that Hannah had to laugh, and a red-faced Faith thrust the umbrella at her without a word.

It was a rather small device but even so, Faith kept her distance. "Faith…if you stand any farther away you won't be under the umbrella anymore," Hannah pointed out.

"Ah, I'm sorry," she said, and with some difficulty she inched closer.

Hannah raised an eyebrow. "Why are you apologizing?"

Faith shrugged. "It's a force of habit."

"You don't need to be sorry for everything."

"I am not," she asserted.

Hannah studied Faith with her usual expressionless face and while she knew Faith noticed, the younger girl was determined not to look at her.

Silence settled between them like a sticky spider's web, while around them the rain chattered and whispered. Neither of them were talkative people, but Hannah was distinctly uncomfortable with this lapse in conversation.

"Faith," she said seriously, "you…can berate me if you don't like something I do or say."

Faith looked up, startled. "Why this all of a sudden?"

"Well," Hannah paused, pondering. "When I almost knocked that stand over you just got flustered, but if you get flustered for other reasons then how will I know if I do something wrong?" She shook her head. "With you, it's difficult to tell what you're thinking."

Faith was looking at her with equal seriousness. "You are even more mysterious than I am."

"Touché," said Hannah, but her normal poker face was broken by a small smile.


They neared a small flat with a trim garden, and Faith paused. Hannah gestured down the street. "My apartment is farther down."

They walked up to Faith's door, and before going inside she turned. "You can bring that back whenever you next come around," she said, looking at the umbrella. Then she stuttered, "Ahh, have a good night."

For a second Hannah couldn't say anything. Faith closed the door, but Hannah could still see those wide, shy, dark brown eyes and suddenly she didn't notice the rain at all.

iii

Hannah was back the next day with the umbrella, and Faith had to fight to keep the blush from her face. She hadn't been tall enough to lift the umbrella over Hannah's head without difficulty, so the other girl had to hold it. She'd gotten a good laugh out of it though, and Faith wasn't sure if she'd hated it or loved it.

It'd almost been two weeks since the Sunday Hannah had tumbled into her shop, nearly toppled a display stand and then caught six of her books—one balanced on her head. The thought brought a smile to Faith's lips; Hannah had stood petrified on the spot then, afraid to drop it "else Hades would take me." She was always saying strange things, what with a major in philosophy…not that she'd done anything with that. And what she'd said yesterday was especially weird. Faith glanced to the back of the shop, where her friend was currently reorganizing crates of merchandise, at her request. Now that she thought about it, she had never asked Hannah what she did for a living.

"Ah, Faith…"

Hannah emerged from the back and leaned an elbow on the counter. "I've been doing some thinking. Might I ask you to join me for dinner?"

Faith was taken aback. "T-to dinner? I don't eat with other people very often…"

Hannah gave her an encouraging smile. "Then I think it's time to try something new, wouldn't you agree?"

Faith blinked. "Ah, um—"

Hannah's smile slipped a little.

"Wait!" exclaimed Faith. She blinked again, then continued in a calmer tone. "Yes, I'll come."

Hannah turned, but Faith caught a glimpse of her renewed smile. "I'll be back at 7, then."

iii

Just as Faith was closing the bookstore, Hannah strode inside clad in her favorite trench coat. "Hello, it's me… Just about ready?"

Faith came in from the back still dressed in her work clothes, a white long-sleeved shirt and black pants. She seemed vaguely uncomfortable. "Yes."

"Relax, my friend, or if you can't, the good food will do that for you." Hannah offered a gentle smile and almost her arm as well, which was when Hannah realized: It's like a date…

Faith's large eyes were unsure, and Hannah guessed she didn't go out often. This time she did offer her arm, which made Faith's brow wrinkle a bit, but she took it all the same. Hannah let go outside when Faith turned to lock the door, but the older girl could still feel Faith's light touch on her sleeve...

The two approached a fancy looking French restaurant. It was definitely not one of those half-noticed places, since if Hannah hadn't made a reservation, she and Faith wuld have easily waited for an hour just to get inside! "Ahh, this is the place." Hannah said, a hint of excitement detectable in her voice. She grabbed Faith's hand, but realized too late the mistake. Faith snatched it back.

"Faith…" Hannah wilted, almost imperceptibly. Why did she feel this irrational sadness…? "Are you okay?"

Faith gave her a long look, then brushed past her. "I'm fine." Hannah stared, then followed.

Upon entering the restaurant, all the waiters and diners smiled at Hannah as she walked past. "You're a regular?" Faith asked. "You could say that." Hannah replied. After the two were seated, a handsome looking French waiter approached them and smiled. "Hello! And what can I get for our fine manager and her friend?" Hannah turned towards him and replied, "Xavier, mon ami, water for us both please." The Frenchman studied Faith for a few seconds and said a quick "Certainly." before leaving.

Faith's brow creased. "I'm not sure if this is curiosity or dread I am feeling towards being examined so closely...with that man…definitely dread." Faith giggled.

Heads turned. Not because it sounded out of place with Faith, but because it sounded absolutely right. Hannah was stunned, for she had never heard anything like that from Faith before. But what the heck, it was cute! Already she noticed people eyeing her…including Xavier.

When he returned to serve the drinks, the Frenchman studied Faith again—thinking who knew what—and pulled a piece of paper and pen from his pocket. Before he scribbled anything down he gave the pen tip a slow lick, and Hannah shuddered as Xavier placed the paper into a full glass of Pina Colada. Faith, oblivious of the eyes on her, looked questioningly at Xavier and picked the paper out from the glass. She wiped the Pina Colada off the paper and subconsciously licked it off her fingers. It was a calling card; Hannah saw Xavier Damoine on the back and little numbers printed underneath. When Faith turned it over Hannah could read the fancy red scrawl on the other side: "Are you alone?"

Just as Faith pocketed the card and was about to reply to the Frenchman, she looked over at Hannah. Something had flashed in her green eyes. "Faith," Hannah said, "You have Pina Colada dripping down your lip." Hannah leaned over, wet her fingers, and wiped the Pina Colada off Faith's chin. When she straightened and glanced briefly—challengingly—at Xavier, his four fellow waiters burst out:

"Ooohhh!"

Xavier turned away with a smile, hands held up in apology. The others in the crowd who had been eyeing Faith turned away as well, but they were grinning. Their quiet, submissive manager had never acted so territorial. Hannah couldn't help but smile. As Hannah began to drink her glass of water, Faith was fingering her lip confusedly, and staring at her water, as well as the strange new drink that was in front of her. Her eyes fleetingly connected with Hannah's before darting back, and she slowly dipped her finger in the Pina Colada again and tasted it. Hannah sucked in her breath. "Wait Faith, that's alcohol!"

Faith grasped the glass, lifted it to her lips and downed the whole thing. Wide-eyed, Hannah rushed over as Faith spat half of it onto the floor, much to the horror of everyone in the restaurant. "Faith, Faith, breathe!" Hannah urged as her friend hacked and spattered. Hannah grabbed a napkin and started wiping her friend's face. "Gosh, Faith, how irresponsible of you!"

Xavier commented, "Well, you kind of messed up your friend's head with that cute wiping thing you did."

Hannah flushed and held her face with one hand while she cleaned up the table with the other. Faith was staring at Hannah with her huge chocolaty eyes…right before she passed out. With just a few minutes left before closing time, Hannah waited until the rest of her staff left and gently put Faith down on the floor before falling asleep beside her.

iii

"Hey…Faith, wake up." Hannah nudged her softly. "It's raining."

Faith giggled, and mumbled, "Hannah…"

"Hmm? What is it?"

The smaller girl clutched at her shirt and grinned into it. "I forgot my umbrella."

Hannah smiled and brushed Faith's rosy cheek with her thumb. "Don't worry about that," she said as she helped Faith stand. Hannah grabbed her brown trench coat from the floor and whipped it over their heads.

"Hold on to one end and we'll run!" Hannah said.

Eyes shining, Faith reached up and pulled the coat low onto her head. The gray wind leapt under it and the coat billowed like wings, baring them to the storm, but in their furor there was no fear. Under the scanty shelter of the trench coat they dashed off laughing, trying and failing to run in a straight line.

"When Faith laughs like this," Hannah thought to herself, "There's nothing to fear."

iii

Faith dreamed of a goddess. A Greek goddess, like the ones her friend had often talked of. She stood tall against the angry iron sky, framed by the magnificent wings of an eagle. Above her, bolts of lightning raced each other like wild stallions, and she grabbed Faith's hand and pointed in their direction. Watery veils whipped around them, behind which Faith glimpsed spirits of the storm. The goddess' brown wings protected her from their hissing retribution, though, and they ran…

"Hannah?"

"Hmm?"

Faith opened her eyes. The first thing she was aware of was the sheer whiteness of sunlight in her room.

The second thing she was aware of was Hannah lying next to her.

Faith's head rested on Hannah's left arm while Hannah's right was thrown over her green eyes.

Faith stared at her for a whole minute. Her head began to ache.

"Get out of my bed."

Wordlessly, Hannah consented and slid her arm out from under Faith's head, standing back with a lost expression on her face. Faith let her head fall back on the bed when she felt a sudden jolt of pain from just that soft bump. With difficulty she sat up, and still the pounding in her head refused to cease.

"How did you get into my home?"

"You unlocked the door," Hannah mumbled, scratching her hair and making it even more ruffled.

"I…"

Faith's head snapped up, and Hannah started. "I didn't disturb you while you were," she gestured to the bed, "asleep."
"What happened when I was awake?" said Faith softly.

Hannah shook her head and sighed.

"I was…" Faith drew a rattling breath, "I was drunk, wasn't I?"

Hannah nodded.

"You were really drunk."

It was a statement.

"Do you remember anything that happened?" Hannah said softly.

"Yeah," croaked Faith, grasping her head in her hands, "yeah, most of it." They didn't say anything for a while.

Faith drew another deep breath. "Why don't you freshen up? The bathroom is the first door on the left. I don't have another toothbrush, but there's mouthwash if you'd like it."

When Hannah left, Faith sighed.

"I suppose I'm not going to work today…"

Once more she breathed deeply, then noted her surroundings. The clock beeped 11: 00, and in the next room she heard the shower come on. Otherwise it was quiet.

The door opened, and Faith whirled around. Hannah stood in the door frame, hair dripping, wearing the same clothes.

They looked at each other, and then away.

"Um, I…" said Hannah quietly, "need my coat."

Faith was just as quiet. "All right, go get it."

Hannah twisted her hands around each other. "Um, you…hid it last night."

"Oh…" Faith felt her face burn. "I don't remember that…sorry."

"Well, I know where it is, but…" Hannah moved towards Faith and bent down. Sticking out of Faith's pant leg was a corner of cloth.

Faith reached down, took the coat with a shriek and flung it at Hannah's startled face.

"God, I can't stand you!"

Faith tore out of her own home and down the street barefoot, heedless of some voice she heard on the edge of her consciousness, calling her name desperately. It wasn't sunny at all; the light she'd seen when she had first woken up had come through cloud cover. It was going to rain again, she knew. As it turned out, Faith was soaked by the time she reached the telephone box.

Inside her pocket Faith found her wallet and a crumpled bit of paper—Xavier Demoine's calling card. She fumbled with quarters and squinted at the number. It was ridiculously blurry; perhaps the rainwater was getting in her eyes.

"Bonjour."

"X-Xavier?" stuttered Faith. "Xavier Demoine?"

"Oui, moi. Who—?"

"Faith," she said. "Faith Sanders, from the restaurant."

She could hear the smile in Xavier's voice. "Ahhh, Madame Sanders, I assume you slept well?"

"That's not funny," she whispered. "That's not funny."

There was a pause. "Madame Sanders, are you crying?"

Faith's vision blurred into a blank grayness.

Concern was evident in Xavier's voice. "Faith?"

She didn't understand what she was doing. Faith didn't understand why she had run out of her own home, why she had called a man she'd just met at a restaurant last night, why she was standing in the rain, why she was sobbing harder than she ever had in her sixteen years.

Xavier whispered soothingly on the other end. "There, there, mon ami, shhh…" He let Faith sob until her minutes ran out and she had to put more quarters in.

"Faith, tell me what happened," Xavier urged, when he picked up the line again.

"I just…I just…"

The Frenchman's voice was serious. "Did Madame Alucard do something?"

"No…yes, but…" Faith struggled to convey her confusion. "I'm so…ashamed of how I acted, I feel like she brought me there because she just wanted to use me or—"

"Madame Sanders," interrupted Xavier, "let me tell you now that Hannah Alucard is not that type of person. I am unsure of how long you have known her, but I have been her waiter for years and have seen no man or woman who has made her act like that. She has never smiled so often, nor stood up to anyone, nor devoted her attention to anything but her work." He paused. "She cares about you, Faith. She is not taking advantage of you."

Faith stopped crying. Xavier continued in a gentle voice, "Madame Sanders, it is okay to love a woman. Do you love her?"

She nodded, but even though Xavier couldn't see it he understood.

"Then you should trust her."

Faith hung up the phone.

When she turned, Hannah was watching her, tears and raindrops alike dripping down her face.

"Hannah," choked Faith, "I forgot my umbrella."

And she ran to meet her.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 946
Reviews: 53
Mon Sep 12, 2011 12:43 pm
Preachergirl18 says...



Faith watched, hands paused over the page of Hamlet she was reading, as her friend Hannah stood in front of her shop and looked up to the sky. Sighing, she looked back, looked away, repeated this, then dug her knuckles into her skull. "You moron…" she whispered to herself. As her gaze unconsciously turned back to the door, she noticed Hannah had begun to walk off. Faith impulsively threw down the book she was holding and rushed outside.

"Hello? Excuse me!"

She turned around. It hadn't been raining for half a minute but Hannah's shirt was already soaked through, and Faith couldn't help but wonder if she would be alright. Much to Faith's relief though, Hannah's eyes shone at her with that same lovely warmth.

"Ah, Miss. Sanders…just about to close up?"

"Yes, it's that hour. But," Faith frowned, "where are you going?"

"Home, I guess…"

"What? In this weather? And you're walking?" Faith blushed when she realized she had said that out loud. Then she offered, "You should take my umbrella."

Hannah looked amused, and Faith flushed. What was she doing, acting like a schoolgirl?! She should've just stayed inside…but her friend was drenched, and she couldn't resist extending the courtesy. Faith noticed that even though Hannah was wet enough to have stepped from the shower, her green eyes still shone brightly....
This is me favorite part I love this story I had to read it twice.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 1319
Reviews: 4
Sun Sep 25, 2011 4:26 am
alyssatan says...



In all honesty I was a little confused throughout the entire thing. The writing isn't bad, but the storyline doesn't make much sense to me, if there is one besides the relationship between the two girls. Also, it didn't draw me in at the beginning at all, and that's one of the most important things a story needs to do to get any attention.

All I can think is that you see the story perfectly in your head, but have trouble writing it down for others to read and enjoy. So this is the advice I give you: clarify all the main points of the story, and write a intriguing introduction that will make people who know nothing about the story want to read more.

Something that might really help is to create a sort of plot outline. Who is the main character? What is she trying to accomplish? What does she need to do to accomplish this, and who/what is holding her back from doing so? You should be able to answer those cardinal questions for every narrative you write; otherwise the idea is probably incomplete.

You are definitely not bad word-wise. You have a good sense of grammar and what-not. The only thing I found grammar/spelling-wise that seemed wrong to me was the word 'furor' in "The gray wind leapt under it and the coat billowed like wings, baring them to the storm, but in their furor there was no fear." Is that actually a word? o_O

With that, I wish you the best of luck with writing. ^^
  








There is a difference between being poor and being broke: broke is temporary; poor is eternal.
— Robert Kiyosaki