Young Writers Society

I walked slowley up the steps to my house and paused at the window. My mom was getting ready to go out. I sighed and walked in. She smirked evily when she saw me. "there's a boy upstairs for you." She sneered. I felt my face lift and i looked hopfilly up the stairs at my room door. My best friend andy is supposed to be here at 5 but i guess he came early.
"It's not Andy." She called as I started to trot up the stairs.I paused,Who else could it be? When I got to my room i slowley opened the door and looked inside.One of Andy's football friends wass sitting on my bed. "Mike?" I said confused as i stepped in the room. He stood up and walked over to me. AS he locked my door he glared and grabbed my wrist."YOu say a word to Andy I will kill you."a few minutes later i was tied to my bed,tears rolling down my face."mom,please help!"i screamed knowing she could here me. I heard her laugh as she shut the door and left me there. A few minutes later mike rolled off me panting and glared....If you tell andy I will kill you." He hissewd and left.

Hello, Theoutsidersfreak! I'm Walker, here to take a look at this piece ^_^.

I suppose I should warn you first and foremost that this is not going to be the nicest of critiques. Please bear with me.

Either or, what we have here is two very fragmented ideas. First, you give the impression of a very emotional teenager with a bit of a habit of cutting themselves. This idea should not be exactly easy to write, nor would I expect it to be, but at the same time I feel that you noting on such a thing didn't really give any body to this story. That being said, why don't we start by breaking a basic story down?

A successful short story should have a beginning, a middle, and an end. It should start with an idea, then end with that idea expanding and resolving, or in some cases, not resolving but being pondered upon. That being said, you have the beginning or the 'start' which would lead up into the story line itself but seem to have forgotten to add a middle and an end. Instead, you bring in a whole different concept which seems rather quickly jotted down and without any real cause.

I want you to take either idea. The romantic bit or the cutting bit and then I want you to expand. Give us plot. Maybe have Andy see these cuts and help her realize that there is more to life than pain? And that's where the romance can come in. Until then, this feels more like a fragmented diary entry riddled with typos and punctuation mistakes.

So, overall, I can't take this as a short story. I will, though, review this again if you'd like to edit and expand it, or if you should need any help at all growing as a writer, I would help with that as well.

Keep practicing but be meticulous! A story doesn't simply 'happen'. It needs to have certain aspects or its merely words on paper (or in this case, the computer screen).

~Walker

Fruity here!

Hey I definitely understand what the purpose of this short story was. I had kind of a bad past similar to this, so this is not a foreign concept. Most of my writing comes from that one idea, and has some very similar aspects to this story. However, there are a lot of things you could improve on. I apologize if this makes me seem nit-picky, but I think this has a lot of potential so I want you to know what you can do to build on it.

First off, there were SEVERAL places that you left out letters in words or spaces in between words. For example:

"Ihave to tell you something
he had wrote


"what?"
I wrote back. i heard him take a deep breath.

"Ilove you"

I realize a lot of this was probably typos, but you really should proof read your work before you submit it. REMEMBER: format counts.

Secondly, this story did not contain a lot of depth. It immediatly jumped beginning, middle, end BAM! If this was a poem, it would make more sense because you can afford to leave out extraneous detail a lot of times in poetry. In a story however, you really need to include detail to captivate and relate to your reader more. Creating imagery through detail also makes it more realistic. I realize it was a short story, but that doesn't mean it has to leave out detail.

Thirdly and related to above, your characters were not well established. You had no personality in your characters. True, you gave background information immediatly, but we don't know the relationship between the two, we don't know how they truly make eachother feel, and we have no idea about their tendencies and past. Why is this girl the way she is? You need more detail once again. And transition. You should not have done this all in one setting because in a story like this it truly is a drawn out topic.

"Ihave to tell you something
he had wrote


"what?"
I wrote back. i heard him take a deep breath.

"Ilove you"

Very vague you see. what does love mean between these two characters, and why would the male suddenly proclaim it?

Finally, sentence structure.

I'm sorry if this was a mean review, but I really do see how this could become a good story. It just needs to be edited, expanded, etc. I really would like to see an edited version. Hope this helped!

Love, fruity!