Young Writers Society

I wonder if he ever noticed, as he sat with his seemingly-flawless girlfriend, that I had fallen for him.
The line of trees just outside of the high school that separated us made for a solid force field; an impenetrable shield. I sat on the grass, my dress skimming my knees and my backpack leaning into my side. Bystanding students might have described me as peaceful looking- the brave ones might have dared to call me happy.
But I knew that the grass was greener on the other side... on the other side of those trees. Despite my efforts, I could not smile- I could not fake any emotions on this particular day.
As he sat next to her, as he did every day as he waited for his ride home, holding her and smiling at her and being completely love struck, I watched. My heart broke a little more with each second that passed.
He didn’t know. He didn’t have a clue that every love song I listened to reminded me of him. He didn’t see the way I looked at him as he passed me in the hallway. He didn’t know that every second of every day, I wished he would love me in the way that I loved him.
The bitter wind nipped my cheeks. It was too cold out to be wearing a dress, really. Autumn has long ago set in, and the leaves on the trees that separated him and I would fall off within a week or two. Then what would I do?
That was when I couldn’t take another second. I rose to my feet, with a determined mind-set. I needed to tell him. I needed him to know, before it was too late.
Even if it tore his picture-perfect world apart. He needed to know.
I slung my backpack over my shoulder, and walked with my head held high around to the other side of the trees.
I set my eyes on him, ignoring his girlfriend and the confused look she threw my way. I waited for him to look back at me, and when his eyes finally met mine, it was as though I’d been paralyzed.
What was I going to say again?
I stood in silence, allowing the awkwardness to seep into the atmosphere.
Great.
“Hey, what’s up?” He asked, a genuine smile spreading across his face. He hadn’t a clue.
I opened my mouth to say something clever to start, but instead I said the stupidest thing- I said the one thing that could ruin me: “I love you.”
And I thought it had been awkward a minute ago. There I stood, mortified. I wanted to melt into a puddle, or shrink into the size of an ant. Anything but have to stand there and have him look at me like that. Like I was something alien, or strange.
I wanted him to love me, not fear me.
“Excuse me?” He asked, probably thinking he’d heard me wrong.
Well, you’re in this deep; you might as well get it all out.
I straightened up a little. “I said, I love you. I know that you have a girlfriend,” Who- by the way- was staring at me with angry, fiery eyes, “and I know that you have probably never thought about me even once, in the way that I think about you. I just needed to tell you.”
His brown eyes, deep and soft, turned opaque. He stiffened. “Are you... are you feeling ok? I- I’m not sure what to say...” He blabbered aimlessly.
His girlfriend sat, frozen. Her mouth was hanging open slightly, in what I presumed was disbelief.
What had I done?
“You know what?” I sighed, “Just forget this ever happened. Just...” I turned on my heels, away from their perplexed expressions. “I’m sorry,” I spat out before zooming out of there. If only I’d been able to run that fast in P.E last semester; I’m sure I could’ve bumped my mark of 75 up to an 80, at least.
At the speed in which I was running, I didn’t notice when I hit the pavement. I didn’t stop to look both ways, and I didn’t see the car that was aiming straight for me like a bullet on a straight and narrow path.
Life as I knew it was flashing before my tear-filled eyes, as I stared into the headlights on the incoming car.
At least I told him how I felt, I thought to myself. At least he knows.
Then, I felt a grand amount of pain in my side from the contact, and the next thing I knew, I was flying sideways.
Wait... sideways?
My mind had it all backwards-the car was supposed to hit me head on, and run me right over. Yet there I laid, flat on my stomach, sprawled out on the cold, hard pavement. Alive.
I opened my eyes, searching the area. I heard shouting and screaming coming from behind me. I jerked my head around, and saw, to my absolute horror, that he was lying in the middle of the road, no more than a meter or two away from the car that was destined to hit me.
I fought through the pain and stood up, falling over myself to get to him. I collapsed by his side, and screamed his name. The tears streamed my face, and I shook his shoulder, trying to wake him.
A crowd had formed, but I barely noticed. Surely someone had called 911 by now. I let my head fall onto the pavement, and in that horrible moment, I cried.
He had pushed me out of the way -saved my life- and now his own life would be forfeited.
“I love you.”
My head snapped up, and I stared at his face, now turned to look at me.
“What did you say?” I gasped, trying to pull myself from the ground with all the strength I had left in me.
“I love you, too.” He smiled. “I've always loved you. I’m sorry.” He mumbled, and then slowly his eyes closed shut.
People around me were in a panic, screaming that he no longer had a pulse. The paramedics came- they wanted to pull me away on a stretcher, exclaiming that I should cooperate. But all I could do was watch with teary eyes as he lay motionless on the pavement.
He was dead, and it was my fault entirely.
Suddenly, the grass didn't look so green anymore- on his side, or mine.

Oh jeez, this made me cry. There are few things that make me cry, but this happens to be one of them. This story invokes so much emotion, in such a short space! I felt cold chills when she confessed her love to him, because I felt for her. I felt her mortification. Then when the car was coming, I was shocked! And then he dies! And I started crying D': It was just incredibly sad... I love love LOVE this!! I will save this on my computer forever and ever, and recommend all my friends to read it! It was short but incredibly wonderful! Please keep writing more wonderful pieces

Hey!
When I read the title I was excited, I love a good soppy short love story and then i suddenly found myself crying... Oh god! This story was so good, you just wanted to love him and then the stupid car came... *tearing again* This was a brilliant piece please, please, please write more things like this... And write some happier pieces too.
Love,
Evenslilyxxx

Hi there Briggs!

I'll be going through this piece mostly generally by giving overall impressions and some feedback concerning the piece itself, rather than getting too deep into the nitty gritty stuff. Personally I don't think it needs much of that sort of feedback- there aren't many technical problems and the real flaws of this piece are more aesthetic. However, I'll go through a few things that I had problems with- and once I'm through with that I'll tell you what I thought. :3

Bystanding students might have described me as peaceful looking- the brave ones might have dared to call me happy.

This line had a little unusual choice of description. It's hardly classified as daring to look across the field and say 'hey, there's a girl, she looks pretty happy.' Not at all- generally high school students are too busy looking for something more interesting to lend their attention to. A loner chick chilling in the grass isn't exactly that eye-catching.

But I knew that the grass was greener on the other side... on the other side of those trees.

It's generally bad grammar to start a sentence with 'but.' It's redundant anyway- this line doesn't even relate to the last one at all. So I would cut it out- it works fine just on it's own.

He didn’t know. He didn’t have a clue that every love song I listened to reminded me of him. He didn’t see the way I looked at him as he passed me in the hallway. He didn’t know that every second of every day, I wished he would love me in the way that I loved him.

What exactly is her relationship with this boy? I got the impression that she was always 'admiring from afar' and he basically never knew she existed. This is where I start to have problems with the piece- we don't even get an inking that they were possibly good friends and his affection (secret or not) built for her over the development of that relationship. By her description of him he seems genuinely very happy- and guys just don't pretend like that for a girl if they're in love with someone else.

I opened my mouth to say something clever to start, but instead I said the stupidest thing- I said the one thing that could ruin me: “I love you.”

I was kind of disappointed at the lack of build up- She simply strutted over and said she loved him without any sign of emotional distress or anxiousness. Or any emotion at all. Make the reader feel! It's vital to engage us in the story.

Well, you’re in this deep; you might as well get it all out.

If she's talking to herself, this should be in italics.

I straightened up a little. “I said, I love you. I know that you have a girlfriend,” Who- by the way- was staring at me with angry, fiery eyes, “and I know that you have probably never thought about me even once, in the way that I think about you. I just needed to tell you.”

Here the narration changes to faintly formal to all out colloquial- as if she was telling the story to a friend. It doesn't fit in well and is quite jarring to change voice like that.

His brown eyes, deep and soft, turned opaque.

Clumsy phrasing. Instead of chopping up your sentences with commas, try something like 'His deep, soft eyes suddenly turned opaque.'

He blabbered aimlessly.

'He said' would have done rightly. Dialogue tags that are heavy and clumsy such as these ones should be axed completely- recently it's become bad practice to use them. The reader should know how a character is speaking by what your character says, not how they say it. The tag is redundant because I already knew he was unsure of himself without you telling me.

His girlfriend sat, frozen. Her mouth was hanging open slightly, in what I presumed was disbelief.

The girlfriend seems like a sort of redundant character, like she shouldn't really be there. Nothing shocking/exciting/dramatic comes of her being in the story, therefore I think the only thing she is doing is gathering dust in some dark, quiet corner of this short story. By all means keep her if you want- but it would have been nice to have some serious confrontation between your MC and the girlfriend.

If only I’d been able to run that fast in P.E last semester; I’m sure I could’ve bumped my mark of 75 up to an 80, at least.

This line made me smile- more because I can totally identify with your MC. I also suck at sport. xD

Life as I knew it was flashing before my tear-filled eyes

Eeep. Possibly the most overused line you could have chosen to describe this.

My mind had it all backwards-the car was supposed to hit me head on, and run me right over. Yet there I laid, flat on my stomach, sprawled out on the cold, hard pavement. Alive.

I opened my eyes, searching the area. I heard shouting and screaming coming from behind me. I jerked my head around, and saw, to my absolute horror, that he was lying in the middle of the road, no more than a meter or two away from the car that was destined to hit me.

I fought through the pain and stood up, falling over myself to get to him. I collapsed by his side, and screamed his name. The tears streamed my face, and I shook his shoulder, trying to wake him.

A crowd had formed, but I barely noticed. Surely someone had called 911 by now. I let my head fall onto the pavement, and in that horrible moment, I cried.

He had pushed me out of the way -saved my life- and now his own life would be forfeited.

“I love you.”

My head snapped up, and I stared at his face, now turned to look at me.

“What did you say?” I said, trying to pull myself from the ground with all the strength I had left in me.

“I love you, too.” He smiled. “I've always loved you. I’m sorry.” He mumbled, and then slowly his eyes closed shut.

People around me were in a panic, screaming that he no longer had a pulse. The paramedics came- they wanted to pull me away on a stretcher, exclaiming that I should cooperate. But all I could do was watch with teary eyes as he lay motionless on the pavement.

He was dead, and it was my fault entirely.

Suddenly, the grass didn't look so green anymore- on his side, or mine.

I was coping with the story up until this point. It becomes all very clichéd and predictable- I knew exactly what was going to happen as soon as she stepped out in front of that car. Keeping the reader guessing is what also simultaneously keeps us reading. This story's main flaw was the fact that it bought onto all the clichés of romantic fiction, girl pines for boy, boy has girlfriend, seems to be in love with said girlfriend. Suddenly boy drops all feelings for his girlfriend and falls at the feet of our MC. As readers we want tension and suspense and emotion- all of which weren't really present in making this as great as it could be.

Your characters, even for a short story, seem very underdeveloped and have fallen into the romantic fiction trap in that they are defined by their social and relationship status. As a reader I didn't really care for the death of the boy- nor did I feel particularly heartbroken when he confessed his 'love' for her just before he died. Perhaps this was more because I thought it was unrealistic- it works in the movies, but not on paper.

I'm suddenly aware that this review seems really negative, and I apologise! D: I wouldn't put yourself down over any of this- generally I've given up on romantic fiction because it's become so boring and predictable in general. But your story was well crafted with minimal grammar mistakes- you exemplify a decent understanding of paragraphing, structure and forming a coherent, clear narrative. All you need to work on is stepping away from the norm, from the preset template crafted from a thousand stories we've all heard before- and create something that is original in its own way.

I hope you'll take this on board and that it will help you improve in the future.

Good luck, and happy writing!

Your reviewer,

Moo