I wonder if he ever noticed, as he sat with his seemingly-flawless girlfriend, that I had fallen for him.
The line of trees just outside of the high school that separated us made for a solid force field; an impenetrable shield. I sat on the grass, my dress skimming my knees and my backpack leaning into my side. Bystanding students might have described me as peaceful looking- the brave ones might have dared to call me happy.
But I knew that the grass was greener on the other side... on the other side of those trees. Despite my efforts, I could not smile- I could not fake any emotions on this particular day.
As he sat next to her, as he did every day as he waited for his ride home, holding her and smiling at her and being completely love struck, I watched. My heart broke a little more with each second that passed.
He didn’t know. He didn’t have a clue that every love song I listened to reminded me of him. He didn’t see the way I looked at him as he passed me in the hallway. He didn’t know that every second of every day, I wished he would love me in the way that I loved him.
The bitter wind nipped my cheeks. It was too cold out to be wearing a dress, really. Autumn has long ago set in, and the leaves on the trees that separated him and I would fall off within a week or two. Then what would I do?
That was when I couldn’t take another second. I rose to my feet, with a determined mind-set. I needed to tell him. I needed him to know, before it was too late.
Even if it tore his picture-perfect world apart. He needed to know.
I slung my backpack over my shoulder, and walked with my head held high around to the other side of the trees.
I set my eyes on him, ignoring his girlfriend and the confused look she threw my way. I waited for him to look back at me, and when his eyes finally met mine, it was as though I’d been paralyzed.
What was I going to say again?
I stood in silence, allowing the awkwardness to seep into the atmosphere.
Great.
“Hey, what’s up?” He asked, a genuine smile spreading across his face. He hadn’t a clue.
I opened my mouth to say something clever to start, but instead I said the stupidest thing- I said the one thing that could ruin me: “I love you.”
And I thought it had been awkward a minute ago. There I stood, mortified. I wanted to melt into a puddle, or shrink into the size of an ant. Anything but have to stand there and have him look at me like that. Like I was something alien, or strange.
I wanted him to love me, not fear me.
“Excuse me?” He asked, probably thinking he’d heard me wrong.
Well, you’re in this deep; you might as well get it all out.
I straightened up a little. “I said, I love you. I know that you have a girlfriend,” Who- by the way- was staring at me with angry, fiery eyes, “and I know that you have probably never thought about me even once, in the way that I think about you. I just needed to tell you.”
His brown eyes, deep and soft, turned opaque. He stiffened. “Are you... are you feeling ok? I- I’m not sure what to say...” He blabbered aimlessly.
His girlfriend sat, frozen. Her mouth was hanging open slightly, in what I presumed was disbelief.
What had I done?
“You know what?” I sighed, “Just forget this ever happened. Just...” I turned on my heels, away from their perplexed expressions. “I’m sorry,” I spat out before zooming out of there. If only I’d been able to run that fast in P.E last semester; I’m sure I could’ve bumped my mark of 75 up to an 80, at least.
At the speed in which I was running, I didn’t notice when I hit the pavement. I didn’t stop to look both ways, and I didn’t see the car that was aiming straight for me like a bullet on a straight and narrow path.
Life as I knew it was flashing before my tear-filled eyes, as I stared into the headlights on the incoming car.
At least I told him how I felt, I thought to myself. At least he knows.
Then, I felt a grand amount of pain in my side from the contact, and the next thing I knew, I was flying sideways.
Wait... sideways?
My mind had it all backwards-the car was supposed to hit me head on, and run me right over. Yet there I laid, flat on my stomach, sprawled out on the cold, hard pavement. Alive.
I opened my eyes, searching the area. I heard shouting and screaming coming from behind me. I jerked my head around, and saw, to my absolute horror, that he was lying in the middle of the road, no more than a meter or two away from the car that was destined to hit me.
I fought through the pain and stood up, falling over myself to get to him. I collapsed by his side, and screamed his name. The tears streamed my face, and I shook his shoulder, trying to wake him.
A crowd had formed, but I barely noticed. Surely someone had called 911 by now. I let my head fall onto the pavement, and in that horrible moment, I cried.
He had pushed me out of the way -saved my life- and now his own life would be forfeited.
“I love you.”
My head snapped up, and I stared at his face, now turned to look at me.
“What did you say?” I gasped, trying to pull myself from the ground with all the strength I had left in me.
“I love you, too.” He smiled. “I've always loved you. I’m sorry.” He mumbled, and then slowly his eyes closed shut.
People around me were in a panic, screaming that he no longer had a pulse. The paramedics came- they wanted to pull me away on a stretcher, exclaiming that I should cooperate. But all I could do was watch with teary eyes as he lay motionless on the pavement.
He was dead, and it was my fault entirely.
Suddenly, the grass didn't look so green anymore- on his side, or mine.
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