Young Writers Society

Her skin was beautiful and clear, her smile always held so much light. Getting lost in her eyes was almost enevitable because of the amazing sparks of colour within. I could very easily compare her voice to the whispers of wind on a spring afternoon. The locks of autumn brown hair that fell from her central parting had a cosy warm feeling.

When this all began to fade my heart faded with it, holding her hand I could no longer feel the sunny warm of her pure, pulsing heart through it. Like Autumn to winter she turned to grey, watching her veins flow like rivers and the capturing eyes sagging and turning dull. No whisperes were left in her voice, the little left was a forced croak that sounded like it took the energy of the entire earth.

On the days I couldn't be with her it felt like I was completely dead inside, the light of her soul would fade completely and all recolection of her face would fade. I feared that this would be what it would be like once she was gone. Like waterfalls tears would fall when I tried to remember her bfore all this.

Sitting by her side she went to talk to me, both choking out our words of love we feared this as the end. Taking a grip on my hand she looked into my eyes and nodded, she knew this was it. I leaned down and placed my lips lightely on her head, I was used to the icey feel to her skin now and it would be the last time I felt her skin to my lips so I savoured it's beauty.

Lifting me head I saw that the slowly fading light was now out and the remaining colour from her eyes and lips was gone. I did not cry or act out I just stood and left, I was happy for her. The months of pain she had endured must have been unbareable. Sitting in the train I closed my eyes, memories of us as little children playing on park swings, our secondary school prom. The 14th of july 2010, she was only eighteen but it was our wedding day remembering our first kiss and our wedding dance a tear fell from my cheeck as I realized I was completely alone. No-one to share this amazing world with me, i f I could change the fact that she had the awfull disease I would. I would even take the cancer for her.

Hello there!

I love the idea of this story. I also love certain elements of the way that you executed it. Especially in the first paragraph, the way you wrote was refreshing and somehow clean. I wish that same essence had been captured as wonderfully in the rest of your story.

When this all began to fade my heart faded with it. Holding her hand, I could no longer feel the sunny warmth of her pure, pulsing heart. Like Autumn to winter, she turned to grey, and left me watching her veins flow like rivers and the capturing eyes sagging and turning dull. No whispers were left in her voice; the little left was a forced croak that sounded like it took the energy of the entire earth.

I found quite a few errors in sentence structure and punctuation scattered throughout this piece, as well as a few spelling areas. So, my advice to make it better would be to go back over it carefully and make a few changes, like the ones I've made above. The way I did it is just a suggestion, of course.

All in all, I thought this was a captivating piece. It just needs a little bit of work.

Keep writing!

This is pretty good. There are a few basic errors in grammar, with some mispelled words and run-on sentences. You can probably catch them if you read it over again. I liked all of your comparisons, especially the ones comparing her to the seasons, like when she fades from autumn to winter. You used a lot of good figurative language. If you want to improve it, maybe expand on your feelings. How was she before, other than bright and smiling? And it doesn't seem very realistic that you'll be okay right after the death. In my experience, there usually comes shock and then denial and anger and THEN acceptance. But the character you're writing about may be different, so I don't know. Anyway, good job. Your writing is good, and I hope my review helps.