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Romeo and Cinderella



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Gender: Female
Points: 891
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Sun Sep 18, 2011 7:42 pm
DaughterofEvil says...



"How did this happen?" he thought, sitting on the edge of his bed in the middle of the night. "I'm normally able to solve any problem, no matter what! ...Maybe today can be an exception. After all, it's not every day the love of your life gets tossed out like a torn up rag doll..." It wasn't Eric's fault, at least. Or maybe it was; he shouldn't have fallen in love with someone his family wouldn't agree with. So, when does our story begin? Around the time school began, and to be more exact, the day he met the new kid, Brittany.
School was already three weeks in when Brittany first arrived. Eric hadn't noticed her at first, even though the entire school was already gossiping about how this new student was a former member of the Mafia and other horrible things like that. Eric just decided to ignore the rumors and leave the kid alone. The first time he saw Brittany was when she entered the classroom. That first day, Eric noticed that she was tall, had curly hair, and that despite her classmates' immediate jeering, she only smiled back at them. After the bell rang he tried to approach her, yet was met by a strange air of indifference.
A week later, Eric realized why. He had just finished a meeting with his Leadership Council and was going through his locker when he heard the sound of laughter just around the corner. Eric closed the locker and went to investigate the matter. It wasn't completely unexpected, but seven students were standing around Brittany, throwing hateful words in her face about her appearance and her unofficial past. Eric felt bad about this and decided to intervene.
"Hey, leave the girl alone." Eric blurted out as approached the group. First there was Shaun, this sort of thing was normal for him. Reese was there as well, but unlike the others he didn't seem to want to be involved at all. The last person he recognized was Damion, who was always the leader of things like this. "Damion's probably the one who got this group organized in the first place." Eric thought to himself.
Sure enough, Damion raised his hand excitedly and asked, "Hey Eric! Care to join us?" Eric scoffed and shook his head, stepping into the middle of the circle. "Go home. This isn't what you should be doing. And Shaun, shouldn't you be at football practice right now?" Eric asked as he stood in front of Brittany, facing Shaun and Reese. Shaun gave Eric a challenging glare before grabbing his things and running off; dragging Reese right behind him. Damion chuckled and shook his head. "I'm done with this. Come on, guys! Let's go." he muttered, and he took off, with the other students walking beside him.
Brittany's face showed she was shocked to see Eric had defended her, and she began to nervously stare at the ground. Eric sighed and turned towards her. "Are you alright?" he asked her softly. Brittany raised her face to Eric and spoke. "...Yes. I've become used to this kind of treatment from people over the years. But I never expected someone to try and help me." She chuckled softly, and then said, "Perhaps these rumors are my own fault, though. I sometimes had to resort to violence when the teasing went a bit too far.....you know I could have taken care of them myself, right?" "Yes," Eric affirmed, "But don't use violence anymore, alright?" He didn't want to see any violent side of this girl, since he assumed that Brittany hadn't gotten a Mafia status reputation for nothing. Brittany smiled and replied, "I don't want to make a promise I can't keep, so we'll see. But again, thank you for helping me." As Brittany walked away, Eric found himself smiling back.
The next day, Eric spied Brittany sitting alone under a tree, eating her lunch, and sat down beside her. "Ah, hello again Eric. Would you like to eat lunch with me?" Brittany asked. "That's why I came." he replied, and pulled out a turkey sandwich. After a long silence, Eric turned toward Brittany and said, "I was wondering, Brittany. Would you like to be friends with me?" Brittany thought about it and said, "Friends...that sounds nice. I've never really had friends, so I was a bit lonely. But," she turned towards Eric, "I'd like it very much to be your friend." Eric had a small smile on his face as lunch drew to a close.
A few weeks later, as he walked through the halls, Eric heard some music coming from the auditorium. He assumed the person playing would either be Marcus or Steven, who were both renowned musicians on the school's campus. Still, Eric was curious, and he peeked through the auditorium's transparent window. He saw Brittany sitting in front of a piano, with a forlorn expression on her face. And her music showed it. "This is the first time," Eric thought to himself, "That I've heard music so sad that it can pierce my heart like this...." Before Eric knew it, tears began to stream down his eyes.
As the composition ended, Eric quietly opened the door. Upon seeing her friend in tears, Brittany stammered, "O-oh! I'm really sorry! I was just playing a few pieces on the piano, that's all. If I did something wrong, I can fix it!" Eric was perplexed for a few seconds, and then realized why Brittany seemed so flustered. "Brittany...did you think I came here to tell you I didn't want to be your friend anymore?" Brittany hung her head and nodded. Eric moved a chair next to the piano and replied, "No, not at all! And by all means, play some more." Brittany closed her eyes and began to play a soothing piece, when Eric noticed there was no sheet music in front of his friend. "Do you makes these pieces yourself?" Eric asked. Brittany stopped playing and replied, "Yes. Why? Are they not good?". "No, Brittany. They're beautiful." Eric answered, and Brittany resumed playing. Maybe it was the sight of Brittany concentrating on something she truly enjoyed doing, but Eric felt now that Brittany, in some way, was someone important to him.
It took a few months for Eric to mull it over, but after spending so much time with Brittany he realized that she wasn't just a friend to him. She was something different. Eric met Brittany at their usual spot under the tree and began to speak. "Brittany," he began, "I think I..err..umm...man, this is hard to say!" Brittany studied Eric for a few moments and said, "Eric. Are you trying to say that you like me as more than a friend?" Eric nodded, and before he knew it Brittany had pulled him into an embrace. "That's good news!" Brittany cheerfully replied. "Eric," she began, "I have always, always, loved you."


"Umm, I know this is going to be awkward. But," Eric said, standing in front of his parents. "I'd like to introduce you to my girlfriend." Eric's father grinned. "Eric, you have a girlfriend? Good going!" he said as he gave his son a congratulatory pat on the back. Just then, the doorbell rang, and Eric answered it to find Brittany holding a bouquet of flowers. "Here." she murmured. "These are for you. I had trouble finding a flower shop that was open in the afternoon...but I hope these are alright." "They're great!" Eric remarked, and he gave Brittany an encouraging smile as he led her into the living room. Upon reaching his parents, Eric introduced Brittany. "Mom, Dad," he began, "This is Brittany Carson."
Upon hearing that name, Eric's parents flinched. They had heard the rumors going around their son's school about a violent, heartless girl named Brittany Carson, who was even a member of the Mafia! Brittany, unaware of what had just transpired between Eric's parents, blushed and softly spoke, "Mr. and Mrs. Brotman, it's very nice to meet you." Suddenly, Eric's father stood up and stared menacingly at Brittany for what seemed like an hour, just before beginning to shove her out the door. "Wait a minute!" Eric protested, "Dad, what are you doing?!" "I'm sorry, Eric," Brittany told him sadly, "I don't want to cause you or your family any trouble." She allowed Mr. Brotman to push her out and slam the door behind her.
"Son," Mr. Brotman began, "I did what I had to just now to protect you. That girl is a bad person. She will only cause you pain!" "Believe us when we say we aren't trying to make you unhappy." Ms. Brotman affirmed. "...As much as I wish your words could change how I feel," Eric calmly protested, "There's nothing that can. You may be right. You may be wrong. But I love Brittany, and there's nothing that can stop us from being together." He went upstairs and into his room, tightly closing the door.

Which now brings us back to Eric trying to figure out what he should do. Just then, he heard a light tapping at his window. He opened it to be greeted by Brittany, with a look of worry in her eyes. "Can I come in?" she asked. Eric helped her climb in through the window and closed it behind them. After a long silence, Brittany hugged Eric and said, "I thought about what happened earlier. To be honest, when I first told my parents about you, their reaction was..." she chuckled, recollecting the memory, "Not very different. But the more I mentioned you, and they saw how happy I was when I did, they've started to like you." Eric's eyes shone at Brittany's words. " But..." Brittany continued, "I came here to tell you that I have an idea. In a few hours, I'll be back for you. And then...we'll run away together to my home! My parents have already been informed of this plan, and they approve. We have everything you would need over there already. We'll still be able to go school together as well, since my parents offered to take us both. So..." Brittany smiled, "How about it, Eric?"
Eric smiled as a reply.

At one AM, a boy dressed in black stood on his balcony, waiting in earnest for the person he loved to appear. She came, and with the wind blowing at his back, seemingly encouraging him, he leapt into the girl's welcoming arms. Clutching each others hands, the two smiled at one another and ran off through the streets.

"WHAT?!" Mr. Brotman was enraged as he stormed upstairs to Eric's room. "What do you mean he isn't there?! He has school now!" Ms. Brotman simply sighed and shook her head. Upon reaching Eric's bedroom, he found a single piece of paper lying on his son's bed. What it said was this: "Romeo and Cinderella".

Mr. and Mrs. Carson were waiting eagerly by their living room door for their daughter and the boy she loved to appear. It was 1:52 AM when soft knocking was heard. When Ms. Carson opened the door, she found a pair of faces smiling back at her, and then her daughter spoke, "Mom, Dad...I'm home. And..." she pointed to the boy beside her, "This is Eric Brotman." With a welcoming smile, both of Brittany's parents began to cry as they welcomed both children into their home.

Once upon a time, there were a boy and girl who fell in love. Though the families' of the two disliked each others' children, the two were determined to defy the tragic fate their love would bring. In a room lit only by moonlight, there are a boy and a girl who are softly whispering to each other about the days to come with smiles on their faces. And just outside the door to that room are two parents, happily listening to what as well have been a fairy tale come true. But they would have been wrong, because it wasn't a fairy tale. It was something better.
  





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Sun Sep 18, 2011 9:00 pm
AngelMarie says...



This was really amazing :) I love the title, Romeo and Cinderella instead of Romeo and Juliet. It's cool, the ending was my favorite part. Because it's not a fairy tale, it's something better. I thought that was just a great ending! Keep up the great work! I can't wait to read more form you (:
“Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia.”
E. L. Doctorow
  





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Thu Sep 22, 2011 6:21 am
Alpha says...



What a sweet tale! I really really liked this story and I think you've done a great job in it save a few points.
Okay, one point: dialogue. It sometimes goes well but other times it's just akward. Maybe you should work on making it realistic. Oh, another point: I dont like to read stuff with he said she said he said she said all the time. You avoided this by using synonyms for said, but sometimes you use one that doesn't fit the situation/tone at all. Other than that, you've done a beautiful job.
Sorry if I sounded harsh or something.
Cheers,
Alpha
  





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Sun Sep 25, 2011 2:50 am
Kaedee says...



Hey Daughter! Kaedee here to review!

Like Alpha said, the dialog in this piece is a bit awkward. Teenagers don't really speak as formally as Eric and Brittany do. For example: instead of "yes", kids would say "yeah", and instead of "I've become used to this kind of treatment from people over the years. I sometimes had to resort to violence when the teasing went a bit too far" something like "Well, I've gotten pretty used to being treated like this. I sometimes -insert something violent Brit would do- when they really get annoying, but...I just can't always stand it! ' would sound more natural. Also, I thought that Eric verbally asking Brittany if she would be friends with him was strange. That's something that generally very, very young children would do.

I like Brittany's character and her rough past. But, Eric seems too perfect. He's kind, caring, and brave. He seems to be socially accepted too, and is even in his school's Leadership class (so he has to be a role model). He acts like an adult. He even seems like Brit's dad when he gives her advice! Where are his flaws?

I think you didn't have to play up your characters' personalities/strengths as much as you did. For example, the huge scene in which Eric walks in on Britt playing piano is too cheesy, especially when she makes a big deal of apologizing when obviously she didn't do anything wrong. You did a good job showing and not telling in this piece, but I feel like you showed...too much. xD I think it would better if you spent more time talking about how they fell in love with each other, which would be more interesting to read about than long scenes focused on their personalities. Reading about how they fell for each other would be more interesting since, as you know, Eric and Britt have different backgrounds.

I hope I helped! Even though this needs some work in the areas I talked about, this is promising. This is cute and well-written; I love modern Romeo and Juliet-ish stories! Thanks for the read. Keep on writing-

Kae
Perfect things in life aren't things.
Spoiler! :
*_______*
  





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Sat Oct 08, 2011 2:13 am
Teresabanosg says...



I loved this story because everybody tries having modern Romeo and Juliet or a modern Cinderella, but I've never seen anybody put them together and in such a good way. It's really cool and inspiring.
Keep on writing!
Teresa
Am I crazy enough?
  





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Tue Nov 01, 2011 10:29 pm
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TheEaseDropper says...



I enjoyed this, being dyslexic I couldn't really tell if there were any spelling mistakes or a misuse in punctuation so I guess that means I thought it was good. I really liked it, the title was catchy and cleverly written. Good Job!
TheEaseDropper :)
  








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