Young Writers Society

the rain pelted down, running down the streets like a river, you could here it bounce of the ground, almost like a traditional irish heavy jig. the clouds cried tears of awe as the couple stood gazing softly at each others eyes, as if they hadn't noticed it was lashing. the connection between them was powerful for example, mickey without minnie, rain showers without a rainbow at the end. he lifted her head towards his a kissed her lips as though she was fragile. she ran her hands through his hair, he held her chin lightly. nothing could seperate these two apart! she pulled away from the passionate kiss they had just had. she smiled a thankful grin. she hugged him. the water dripping off their clothes. he held her tight as if this was their last and final hug.
' i love you' he whispered in her ear
' i love you too' she replied
he looked down at her, his eyes sparkled like a sun that was needed on this winters day, but they made it work.
drew never thought he'd never have a girlfriend like Abbey, it wasnt that she was out of his league. his parents didnt know he was dating a rundown girl from tenessee. his parents always wanted him to find a girl who was, well off, beautiful and kind and gentle. to him Abbey was all these things. he idolised her and didnt care what anyone else thought apart form his family. if he told them he had a run down girlfriend, the would laug in his face and think he was lieing.... by brianna mulhern

AHHHHH!!!!

Okay, first of all: CAPITALIZATION!!! Please, please, PLEASE go through this and capitalize the beginning of sentences, the proper nouns, etc, because it is killing me to read something - not even a poem - that has no capitalization. What would your English teacher say???

Okay. Got that out of my system. (Sorry. Future English teacher here, you know.)

Now, some of this was too cliched - like the "clouds crying tears of awe" and the couple "gazing softly at each other" (what the heck does that even mean? how can you gaze softly? or hardly, for that matter), etc blah blah blah. BUT you also have some really fresh expressions. The rain pounding down like an Irish jig, for example. Really creative, I loved it. Also the line about "Micky without Minnie" - but that line would be more powerful if you reworded it. Right now you say "the connection between them was powerful for example, Mickey without Minnie," but consider this: "They went together like Mickey and Minnie." Everyone will be EXPECTING you to say "like peanut butter and jelly," but then instead you'll say "Mickey and Minnie," and the reader will be like, "Yeah! Like that!" and it'll be way cooler than pb&j because pb&j is overused.

You do also have some spelling and grammar errors (aside from the lack of capitalization), but Microsoft Word can tell you where those are, so I'm going to skip it for now. Now the other thing: I get it, they love each other as deeply as a man and a woman can love each other, blah blah, etc. You introduce the potential conflict at the end - his parents won't approve. But the story itself has no conflict so far. So far, it's all lovey-dovey kissy-smoochy. Which is great in real life (you know, being that way with your significant other), but no one really likes to read about it. Like most good things in life, it's awesome to experience, boring to read about. (Why are good things that way? Nobody knows.) What you need here is some CONFLICT. Maybe at the end, they're so engaged in gazing into each other's eyes that they don't notice that his sister (or whoever) sees them kissing as she walks home from the grocery store... But if that's the case, you need to make it obvious that Abbey is "run-down." She's wearing shabby clothes, something like that. Okay?

I hope this helped. Let me know if you have any questions, and let me know when you revise it! I'd like to see what you come up with.

~Blue

Brianna, you definitely need to copy all the story and paste it into Microsoft Word and you will see an endless number of words underlined with green. You need to work on the punctuation because obviously the lack of it is torturing the reader's eyes.
Another thing I'd like to mention that BlueAfrica has said in her review is the conflict. That part you have written could be a first paragraph or an opening to a romantic short story but it can't just be a story with that only one scene. Because the lack of conflict, you made the reader get bored quickly. Honestly, I was skipping lines to see what will happen next or something to bring excitement but I was disappointed.

his eyes sparkled like the sun that was needed on this winter's day,

And remember to always surprise the reader. Keep working on the story, never give up

Ok, first things first, please fix the capitalization errors. Some of your sentences seem worded oddly so I would suggest reading it out loud to yourself. You'll probably catch a lot of your errors that way. It works wonders for me.

I did like some of the ways you described things. It was original and different from most things you read. But if you don't have a gripping story, it won't matter. You've got to have a great hook. And that is one of the hardest things to do. Writing a great hook is like drawing. Some people are naturally good at it, but most people have to practice. I believe you could improve this a lot with a good hook. It's doesn't have to be perfect, just something that will catch the reader's attention and make them ask questions. That's the best way to keep a reader interested: unanswered questions. It's just something you have to work at.

Now for the characters. I can't really see them if you get what I say. It's like there is a fog surrounding them and just can't see through. If you could describe them more, that would be great. Show that Abbey is run down. Her shoes, jeans, hair, the way she speaks... Anything. I want to know your characters. I can't really see Drew either. I feel a bit disconnected from him. He is the character the story is told from it seems, so I should have the strongest connection with him. If you let us inside his head a bit more that would help.

I would like to see these characters more fleshed out and more like real people. They seem flat now. During the fist paragraph I felt like I was just watching two people and I didn't care for their touching scene because I didn't know them. I didn't have any insight into their struggles, life, or anything about them. They could have been any random couple. But they are not just some random couple. They are your main characters. If I had known a little more about Drew and Abbey beforehand, I probably would have cared a more. The second full paragraph is a bit better, but I believe it can be improved also.

It is the beginning of the story so I can't complain much. It's very hard to introduce characters, setting, and conflict, while having a good hook, in two paragraphs. I can't say I've ever done it.

Keep writing! You'll get better the more you practice.