Young Writers Society

Thank you for looking at this. I would love for you to comment. Thanks again!

The wind ruffled everything. She sat there on her blanket. The trodden fall leaves that had accumulated after many years lay underneath her. Her delicate body miraculously didn't sway even as the wind started picking up. Her drawings her lovely almost perfect drawings swirled. No longer did they stay in their place. They drifted off. The pink lines and soft blue swirls flowed around her. Unlike trash that tumbled and clanked around in the wind, her sketches seemingly danced. Swaying back and forth as if they were in the middle of a waltz at some grand ball. It had stormed the night before and flower blossoms pink and sweet sprinkled the surroundings. It gave the sweet affect of snow without the bitter cold. Her blonde straight hair and her closed eyes would haunt his memories forever. He would never forget. He couldn't possibly forget. Or could he? Time went on and even though she would haunt him in his dreams, he would never be able to quite remember who she was. The child in her arms warm and crying, reaching out for her or maybe him. Lying in her arms sweet and ignorant to the dreadful world it would soon have to try to succeed in. Her tears on it's face getting more unnoticable while he walked down the familiar foot trail. Going the opposite way were his footprints but next to them were also a tinier pair. Little and delicate. She never wore shoes so you could see the little toe imprints. He kept plowing through the woods. They were surprisingly dense even though not more than a hundred yards in each direction was the bustling city. And As his taxi pulled away from those woods and nearer to that city he mumbled directions the drivers way, he was already beginning to forget. The sun peaked through the leafless trees. Children played in the nearby lawns. He would smile and wave. No second thought. No first thought either. As the cab pulled down an alley and up to an apartment he pulled out his wallet. Brown and faded with small gold letters. Barely legible anymore. "Till Death" It said so simple and pure. He payed no attention. Two simple words that should've made him remember. He pulled out a few crumpled dollar. Tossed them up front. No curtesy granted. The driver a peppered mustache man grunt and swore under his breath in a strange foreign tounge. He turned to tell the man that they didn't except American money but the man had jumped outof the cab and was already making his way to the door. He started the engine and rolled away.

First of all, I feel like the story was a little vague, and that separating the thoughts into separate paragraphs might help, especially when the subject changes from the girl to the man.

In the first sentence, I think "everything" could be explained more fully. For example, "The wind ruffled the grass, swirling the last winter leaves to the ground." Connecting sentences by commas or semicolons might also allow the story to be more fluid. There are also places that commas need to be added for sake of clarity, such as "The driver a peppered mustache man grunt and swore under his breath in a strange foreign tounge." Could be revised as "The driver, a peppered mustached man, grunted and swore under his breath in a strange foreign tounge."

"It gave the sweet affect of snow without the bitter cold." "Affect" in that sentence should be changed to "effect."

"Her tears on it's face getting more unnoticable while he walked down the familiar foot trail." First of all "it's" does not need an apostrophe. I would also change this sentence to something more like "Her tears on its face faded in his memory as he continued down the familiar foot trail."

The sentence about the taxi has As capitalized unnecessarily, and later on, "dollar" should be plural. "Curtasy" is spelled courtesy.

Overall, it was in interesting piece, and I would like to see the story explained more fully.

I don't think it's a fully formed thought in your head. It was confusing. I don't know if it's about a guy with a girlfriend/wife or about his daughter or someone else's daughter. Did he leave them, did they move away, did they die???Get your thoughts together. Some sentences were plain and boring. Few were appealing to read. But there's potential. Trust me: Keep Keep Keep Keep Keep Keep Keep on Practincing and Writing. Keep on writing!
Dragon Rider

Hello there.

Her drawings comma, her lovely almost perfect drawings swirled.

He turned to tell the man that they didn't except American money but the man had jumped out of the cab and was already making his way to the door.

First off, I want to say that this was very confusing. The beginning is good, but then you lost me with the forest, and the taxi. Where is he? What happened to the girl and the baby? Was he in the forest before, or after he was with the girl? He's obviously in another country, which is it? So many questions that are unanswered. I think you meant it to be unclear so we could make our own story, therefore making it personal, but I still think you can do so, leaving blanks in the story for us to fill in, and still have a clear story of your own.

I liked that description you've put in there, I can see the girl, and the forest.

Keep writing!

-Other One