Young Writers Society

It was a bright, sunny day of May and I sat, daydreaming in my Thursday math class, unintentionally gazing at my crush. He sat only a table to my left and was seemed to be paying much attention to what our math teacher was blabbering on about. I had blocked out Ms Keller’s gibberish about how we should find her ‘X’ and stuff.

Who gives a shit about where your ex went?

Instead, her voice had faded away and had been drowned out by the sound of chirping birds as I stared at his perfect dark-blond hair. I loved the way it curled perfectly at the end. I could only see half of his face from where I sat but perfection was drawn out all over it. Until he turned his head and looked in my direction. We caught eye contact for a second or two and I turned my gaze. A second or two of perfection and I felt my body fly into a galaxy years and years away.

If only that sort of movie moment existed, it would truly be perfection. Puh-lease. My life isn’t nearly so excitingly dramatic…

My old and dilapidated piece of metal junk with a motor had broken down- in the pouring rain. My phone’s battery had gone dead and the streets were deserted since people tend to stay indoors when it’s raining so there was no one to help me.

Just my luck.

I guess that’s what you get for… for…

For what?

I hadn’t done anything wrong to anyone. Or simply: I hadn’t done anything wrong. God couldn’t possibly be punishing me. I was cold and exhausted after my football practice with the other girls on my team and all I wanted was someone to help me with my car…or take me home. Either one was fine, as long as I could get home- safe, sound and warm.

I thought about James. I knew around that time he was at his guitar practice. Not that I stalked him or anything, I just knew a lot of things about him, that’s all. I knew that he worked at one of the local coffee bars, that he played basketball with his brother and cousin, that he really wanted to go to Brown University , that he…
I think I fell asleep because I was woken up by the sound of knocking. I got my head up from the steering wheel and looked at the blurred face behind my car window. The face looked familiar through the vapour on the window and my heart pounded. I could seriously feel it contracting and releasing in my rib cage. I rolled down the window, revealing…

Cameron?

“Hey Kitten! Fancy finding you here!” Cameron, my best friend, had come to my rescue! I knew I could always count on him. “Come on, let’s get you home.” I grabbed my sports bag, my school bag and cars keys and got out of the car.

Cameron and I ran to his car- parked on the other side of the road- and got inside, and out of the rain.

“Ah! Thank you so much, Cam!” With my head back and eyes closed, I said relieved.

“Don’t mention it, Kitten. “ He said quietly. I was surprised because he would usually (not that he always had to get me of problems) say something like: “You owe me!” But I was too tired to say anything about it.

“Home?”

“Where else?”

“I dunno…the coffee bar?” He said, trying to make fun of me because I often did like to go there for obvious reasons.

“Shut up and take me home.”

The rest of the ride was silent. The silence was probably caused by me since I was so tired to bring out some words, but Cameron understood. He just drove.

When we arrived in front of my house, I told him to come inside as usual when he had to drop me home but he decided not to/

“Why?”

“Kitten, you’re not the only tired one!”

I punched him. Why? I have no idea. We just sat there looking at each other. Nothing different about that. We could do that for ages- just looking at each other without saying anything and we’ll just start nodding and giggling. But this time, I felt something. Something…warm

“You’re awesome.”

“Why thank you, Kitten!”

“No, really, I don’t think I say it enough. You really are awesome.”

Again that staring-into-each-others-eyes-thing. It must’ve lasted about six minutes. The rain was still falling noisily and heavily. I bit my bottom lip and turned my eyes away from Cameron.

I knew my life was such a typical and utter cliché but I hadn’t seen this one coming. This was a whole new movie scene.

The guy at the driving wheel was not supposed to be my best friend- it was supposed to be my crush! And the guy who had placed such a warm and tender kiss on my lips wasn’t meant to be Cameron. It was meant to be James.

confuzzeled, is the main character gay? but either way i liked it, although you should make gender just a tad bit clearer.

Hey Mikko! Kaedee here to review.
Yeah, I think this is a better start for a novel than this being just a single short story, since this doesn't feel quite complete.

This piece was fun to read, but at times it was a bit confusing for me to figure out what was exactly going on. For example:

I thought about James. I knew around that time he was at his guitar practice. Not that I stalked him or anything, I just knew a lot of things about him, that’s all. I knew that he worked at one of the local coffee bars, that he played basketball with his brother and cousin, that he really wanted to go to Brown University , that he…
I think I fell asleep because I was woken up by the sound of knocking. I got my head up from the steering wheel and looked at the blurred face behind my car window. The face looked familiar through the vapour on the window and my heart pounded. I could seriously feel it contracting and releasing in my rib cage. I rolled down the window, revealing…

Cameron?

I wish you could have made a little clearer how, in this part, school is over and now she's in her car. Also, where exactly is she and her car? In the city? By her neighborhood?


I also thought that some parts of this piece were a bit choppy and didn't flow so well. For example:

Instead, her voice had faded away and had been drowned out by the sound of chirping birds as I stared at his perfect dark-blond hair. I loved the way it curled perfectly at the end. I could only see half of his face from where I sat but perfection was drawn out all over it. Until he turned his head and looked in my direction. We caught eye contact for a second or two and I turned my gaze. A second or two of perfection and I felt my body fly into a galaxy years and years away.

It would be great if you could combine some of these sentences so that they aren't so awkwardly short. For me, this whole passage doesn't read well. Perhaps commas would help, too.

Well, I hope I helped! If you decide to turn this into a novel, I'd love to see where you'd go with it. Good luck, and keep on writing-

Kae

That was really good it may be a little cliche but its not completely over used.

Hello there!
I love how light-sounding this story is, especially at the end. You would expect the tensest part of the story to be serious, but you kept the tone very consistent and that's what I liked most about it. In reality, it's really not all that cliche, since you take such a different take on the same love story. It makes the whole thing incredibly interesting.
I just have a few small nitpicks for you...

He sat only a table to my left and was looking seemed to be paying much attention to what our math teacher was blabbering on about.

That doesn't really make sense, but it's a quick fix. Also, I can't tell if he IS or ISN'T paying attention just because of the way the sentence flows. Again, it's an easy fix.

I had blocked out Ms Keller’s gibberish about how we should find her ‘X’ and stuff.

Who gives a shit about where your ex went?

This is absolutely hilarious. Kudos to you for sounding like the perfect stereotypical high school student.

If only that sort of movie moment existed, it would truly be perfection. Puh-lease. My life isn’t nearly so excitingly dramatic…

My old and dilapidated piece of metal junk with a motor had broken down- in the pouring rain. My phone’s battery had gone dead and the streets were deserted since people tend to stay indoors when it’s raining so there was no one to help me.

I was very confused when I got here at first. I later figured out that time had passed, but I really couldn't tell. If you don't want to add anything, just put in some asterisks or some other device to suggest the passage of time. If possible, making a better transition from the school to the car would make it that much nicer.

I think I fell asleep because I was woken up by the sound of knocking. I got my head up from the steering wheel and looked at the blurred face behind my car window. The face looked familiar through the vapour on the window and my heart pounded. I could seriously feel it contracting and releasing in my rib cage. I rolled down the window, revealing…

Cameron?

Hooray for foreshadowing! Nice job on this, although it's just a bit predictable

Cameron and I ran to his car- parked on the other side of the road- and got into his car, out of the rain.

In this sentence, and the paragraph above it, you repeat the word "car" a lot. Just a tiny thing, I know, but I found it a tiny bit distracting.

We could do that for ages- just looking at each other without saying anything and we’ll just start nodding and giggling. But this time, I felt something. Something…warm

Left out some punctuation there. Also, this is sort of a run-on sentence.
Again, this is really funny, especially at the conclusion of the piece. Good job!
~Devan

Dearest twin brother, Mikko. I have arrived to review for you. :3

To start things off, I will say I'll try to pay no mind to the fact that this is indeed a cliche love story. Although I'm not a fan, I will not tarnish this review by pointing out the obvious. Also, dear brother, you like the boys? It's okay, I still loff and accept you. <3

One quick thing set in the beginning of this is that you have the story begin in a classroom. And with much suddenness it's quickly thrown into the street. Your speaker is outside and such. In my head I'm like, 'What happened? Let me rewind.' It's not a large issue, really. Just be sure to include some sort of apparent transition from scenes so that it is smooth for the reader to pick up.

As for when your main character has fallen asleep in her dead car and her friend comes up to give her a ride, it's like he knows she's been sitting there awhile with no way to get going. He didn't ask if she was stranded or not, y'know? Though it is rather cute that he's there to save the day, I will give it that much. But I might not expect anything else really from a guy best friend. They usually are rather helpful and sweet.

When Cameron drops her (I'm afraid I didn't catch 'her' name) off at her house, you have this random bit where I truly wasn't expecting this to happen. It was the point where they both stopped and were simply staring at each other, and the main character suddenly goes "You're awesome". 0.O Uhm. Why would she say that off impulse? Being friendly? I assume it was that moment where she starts to have the impulse to admit to feelings for her guy friend. But, you know, cliche and all that. xD Gosh, Mikko, you're an expert at this.

H'okay! moving on. To some quotes. I know how much the users on here adore them so, here I go.

I knew my life was such a typical and utter cliché but I hadn’t seen this one coming.

This was probably my favorite line of the whole thing. It's funny, but perfect for your story. It also brings me to talk about the way you ended this. I wasn't even think of the story in the way that you had been all along at first glance. Maybe I'm a bit rusty on my cliche writing, but it makes total sense in some way. Although, I could kind of see the obviousness in two best friends falling for each other. That was a given, Mikko darling.

Onto some nitpicks:

Cameron and I ran to his car- parked on the other side of the road- and got into his car, out of the rain.

You have the repetition of car in this sentence too often. replace the second half of this sentence with something less plain forward. Like, 'and escaped from the cold, pouring drizzle.' Much better I think.

(not that he always had to get me [out] of problems)

The silence was probably caused by me since I was too tired to bring out some any words, but Cameron understood.

I told him to come inside as usual when he had to drop me home but he decided not to(.)

Well, I think we're all good here! Just thought I'd lend a review while I saw chance. Nice cliche love story. Although, I have the slightest inkling you only inputted that into the title because you knew it was a cliche after you'd written it, not because you were going out of your way to write one. ;] But I won't tell! See you later!

-Smylin'

Hey there, Mikko!

I shall try not to be too harsh!
We'll start with negatives and move on to positives because I like to get the bad over first.

Firstly, I don't like the title. We don't want to read more cliches, trust me. We all crave for something different so I would suggest you toss that title and go for something a little bit more enticing. And since we're trying to steer clear of cliche, the first line:

It was a bright, sunny day of May and I sat, daydreaming in my Thursday math class, unintentionally gazing at my crush.

Is the most cliche line I think I've ever read. Hm, I think you're trying to make this cliche on purpose but I dunno, I feel like it's a tale already been told a thousand times before and that makes it not very interesting. I can guess everything that is going to happen from here on out which isn't much fun. Then again, some of us do like cliches but don't over-do and continue to try putting in some twists and turns of fate to allow the readers to keep on guessing how our hero and his lover will end up together - if they do at all.

My old and dilapidated piece of metal junk with a motor had broken down- in the pouring rain. My phone’s battery had gone dead and the streets were deserted since people tend to stay indoors when it’s raining so there was no one to help me.

Really? No payphone? No nearby gas station or convenient store who would lend their phone to a desperate person in a time of need? This is a sad day for our protagonist. The way you wrote this makes me feel like there is absolutely no hope for him to survive in that cold lonely rainy day. However - if you mention a little something like it took him an hour to finally get help then it makes us feel like he is at least capable of handling himself, lol. ^^
I tend to like characters who are have more motivation to at least keep themselves alive. Once a character starts talking about too many imperfect things, it means the author is knowingly trying to provoke the reader to digest some pity for said character - which makes a total U-turn instead and makes me sorta-kinda dislike him, not feel bad for him -because he's just not doing anything for himself. A character with self-respect, pride and knowledge on him/herself is much, much more fun to read about and feel bad about when the time comes around.

As for the little, I'm falling in love with my best friend thing, I saw it coming - that's the cliche again I suppose. However, it's still a little too early to tell, right? I mean, we haven't gotten very far and who knows what will happen? Vampires? Someone dying?

Overall, this isn't all that bad despite what I mentioned. There are few minor plotting things you're going to have to work on with this cliche sort of story. You might want to add some more description to fluff the piece up and possibly some more dialogue tags but that's just an option, I can sense the character's attitude through the words so it's not like it's supremely necessary either.

Anyway, this is still a nice piece - a little interesting but too predictable. Continue working and let me know if you have any questions. I'll do what I can to help out.

-Shear

Hi

Firstly, I love cliches, don't have any idea why, but this made your story perfect for me.

Right, now I couldn't see much that I thought could be improved but there was one sentence which started to bug me.

'Cameron and I ran to his car- parked on the other side of the road- and got into his car, out of the rain.'

It's just a realkly awkward sentence to read because of the repetition of the word car. The repeated word isn't needed as it could just be written,

'Cameron and I ran to his car - parked on the other side of the road- and got in, out of the rain.'

Apart from that there isn't anything I wanted to change. I loved the plot although I think it would deffinately make a better opening to a story than a piece by itself!

- apple96

Maybe I'm demented or abnormal, but I found your cliche love story hilarious. I can see what you mean by this story being cliche. Girl is madly in love with this guy who doesn't know of her existence, discovers her best friend is the guy for her, etc.

The guy at the driving wheel was not supposed to be my best friend- it was supposed to be my crush! And the guy who had placed such a warm and tender kiss on my lips wasn’t meant to be Cameron. It was meant to be James.

In the last sentence of your story, you say that Cameron kissed you/the MC, but you never give any indication of this kiss happening anywhere prior.

You just said the MC stared at her best friend and bit her lip, and then he went away. You may want to revise that.

I think this could be stretched out into a novel, but as you mention in your title, it's cliche. Do you really want to spend hours writing a cliche story? Of course if you add a bunch of details and random stuff in it, it might disguise the cliche-ness. Overall, this was an enjoyable read, and I loved the little jokes you threw in there. Happy Writing!

<3 Cressy

I love it! But i think football for girls is called something like powder puff or puff ball, something along those lines.
Is this a novel?? I really wanna know more about this charcter