Young Writers Society

He locked the door and raced over to the bed where I lay. The excitement and adrenalin pumping through my veins made me even more eager to kiss him.
At long last, he moved his lips closer to mine until they met and moved in perfect harmony. His hand moved down from my neck to my hips and wave of heat rushed through my body as he got a grip on my dress and slowly lifted over my body, leaving nothing but my underwear for him to rip off.
My hands were already unbuttoning his shirt and I knew that this was the only place I wanted to be.
It is hard to think that it was only one date that led me to a night of passionate sex.

Hi there. :]

Well, in general I guess I understand the concept of what you have here. After one date 'such and such' happens. It was very short however, and only so straightforward that I saw transparently right through it. I understood the fact that there was no regret whatsoever present after jumping into things on impulse. Perhaps this could have later suggested that regret might in fact show up? Because in the heat of the moment, people don't tend to think. This scene seemed very impulsive, which was appropriate in a way, but not really grounds for an interesting story.

Had you included some type of "morning after" deal with this, I think it may have opened up your story quite some way. When I read this, I only get naive/angsty youth, not respectable/resonable love. It's far too blunt, and I wish you might have elaborated a bit more on the idea, for this seems to be a slight piece of a story, but not a very in depth scene. I mean, short is short, and it can sometimes work. As for here, I think you could have maybe added something extra in both the beginning and the ending of this, because all I'm gathering is two people getting intimately close after one date. That's a good topic to mold around, but not to simply leave as such. Don't be afraid to get creative with the portrayal of different emotions and whatnot. Build onto this.

I also noticed a few missing words here and there. Go back over your work once or twice over so that you can catch your little errors. I do hope you might take my advice and attempt to build onto the scene some. You might tape together a decent perspective on the matter of getting so close after one date.

-Smylin'

It was really short and straight-forward. You should lengthen it a few more paragraphs longer. I didn't like the sentences

At long last, he moved his lips closer to mine until they met and moved in perfect harmony.

. This is WAY too cliche. Use something original. Also, the ending:

It is hard to think that it was only one date that led me to a night of passionate sex.

While, this may be more "common" now it's a yucky ending. You made some mistakes along the way in this story. You should fix it and clean it up. Keep on writing!
Dragon Rider

Sorry, I screwed something up in my review. What I meant by "yucky" I meant the ending was just like a "cut-off". It was a poor ending. Like ending a story near the ending, but not really ending it. POOOF! And you can't help but think--wow that was disappointing. . . . Keep on writing!
Dragon Rider

Hola! I'm trying Spanish here Okay, I read this short, very short, story. There's nothing really here that I could actually edit since it's so short. Overall I thought it was well written and felt that it did need more, oomph. Like, more details, more writing really, this is just way to short. I can grasp the idea, I like it, just lengthen it a bit please!

Keep Writing!

Nike

I'm not sure how i feel about this. I understood the concept, and I see what you were trying to vividly paint in the readers mind. I just wish it'd been a little longer. There's choppy gaps that could have been filled. Like the description of lover, the room, the feelings in more detail. Maybe try to expand it a little, there wasn't much room for edits and I think the way you were going with this specific work could continue to go. I'd really like to see you expand on the work, more directly the last line. You could tell how the date went, what led to such a passionate scene. Mildly describe the scene? Ya' know? It was well written, but it seems like you sold yourself short. I'm not sure if you got a block or if you just had no idea were to go.

On the plus side, I like the emotion you conveyed. That raw needed was definitely present. That emotion would only be amplified if you built a little more into short, very short, story. I cannot say I personally didn't like it, because I did. I just really think that it's flat. I hope you do continue to write and read and do everything you were doing. I look forward to reading more.

There isn't a lot for me to review here, since it is so short. I wouldn't really even call it a story, but rather part of a story. You did manage to get the main idea and feelings across with such a short piece, which is good, however I definetely think you can expand this. Like I said, it isn't exactly like a story. You can add on more to the beginning about how they met and what the date was like. Then you can continue the story by saying what happened with their relationship. Was it simply a one night stand, or did a real relationship come from this? This story isn't really complete otherwise I feel. Another reason I suggest you to continue writing more, is because right now this is all very cliche. The story is bland and typical, nothing we haven't heard before. However, if you add more, you can make this story unique. You can give it twists that the reader wouldn't expect.
The writing itself is not bad. You have some good imagery and emotion in here. You just need to add more. I think that this story could definetly use some more work, but there is potential. You have a base and idea, now just try to expand!
good luck!