Young Writers Society

The smell of alcohol on his breath was one sign that he had drank quite enough; his behavior was another one. The wall was supporting him, a hand carelessly gripping it, like he would be totally fine if he took it away. I knew he would crumble to the ground if he only moved it.

“You are beautiful.” His words were slurred, whispered through a numb mouth and too much saliva.

“Thanks,” I mumbled, holding back a smile. The compliment was nice, but when he was influenced by alcohol it wasn’t really what I expected from him. Although he was not totally himself right at the moment, I couldn’t help but feel happy he thought so. That probably had to do with the few drinks I had drank myself.

“Let’s go somewhere quieter.” He pulled me along without a word leaving my mouth. I didn’t object or even approve as he tugged at my arm,into the masses of people that were gathered throughout the house.

It was packed and probably half of them were crashers. I had come here with a few of my friends. Kelsey had heard from someone in her biology class that there would be a huge party tonight. She hadn’t been able to resist. I knew the ex-boyfriend of his sister’s friend, she had said before we entered. As per her, it made it all okay that we were crashing.

I laughed out loud as I looked around the kitchen. We had promised each other to stick together but now I couldn’t see any of them anywhere.

Kyle turned around abruptly causing me to bump right into his chest. Some other guy was still talking, almost screaming to him, continuing a conversation they had a second ago.

“It's a shame all the rooms are taken.” When he said it, his eyes traveled to my lips and then down again to my neckline. I finally caught his hazel eyes with my gaze.

“Can we just go outside?” He smiled, once again, leading me to someplace. We were outside in a matter of seconds, his lips on top of mine. I didn’t see them coming, and I giggled as his hands clasped my shoulders. I was becoming a wall, chosen to support his weight.

“I love you so much.”

I pushed him away, a thought was bothering me. I knew deep down that I was about to ruin an excellent mood but I had to do it.

“I don’t get why you never took me on that date.” A few months ago, we had met at the University of Calgary, where we were both studying, phone numbers were exchanged and we talked every day. One night, he had promised me a well deserved date, and somehow, between that moment and the next morning, he had lost all interest in me. Of course we still talked occasionally and he seemed to be at every party I was attending, but he never mentioned his promise again. I still thought of it every time I looked at him, and even though I willed myself to hate him for whatever he did, I was still fond of him.

He opened his mouth, dumbfounded. “I...”

“You know what I’m talking about, right?” I knew he did, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. It was the only thing girls in love seemed to be able to do; give the guy the benefit of the doubt.

“I do.” He didn’t say anything else and the silence that was following it was beginning to feel uncomfortable.

“You changed your mind.” I had the intention of making it a question, but instead it left my mouth a statement.

“I like you. I do Amber, but...” He suddenly looked sober. Like all the drinks he took earlier had left his system instantly.

“But what?”

“I don’t want to be in a relationship. I want freedom, I want...” He stopped, like he didn’t know what to say next. He watched me silently, eyes searching mine.

“So you expected to hook up with me whenever you want. Hook up with random girls. You expected me to shut my mouth and not to say anything?” I said, voice low, almost a whisper. I couldn’t believe it.

“I did. I know you’re not that kind of girl, but I thought...” He stopped again. He couldn’t get his thoughts straight.

“You thought I would do it because it was you? You’re a fucking asshole; I don’t even know why I wasted so much time on you.” The words left my mouth in a torrent of rocks, hitting him in the head with every word. He thought I was going to be a slut voluntarily?

I spun around, making it for the door. I didn’t know where my friends were, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t leave. They were obviously enjoying themselves, and I honestly just wanted to go home. It wasn’t that long of a walk... Twenty minutes was plenty of time to clear my head.

“Wait,” he said, his voice was dim and I heard his footsteps far away as I walked back into the house. “Amber, please. I’m a jerk, but can we please talk about this?” What was there to talk about? I think it was pretty clear what you meant, I wanted to scream the words in his face, but I took a deep breath and just kept going. He wasn’t worth anything.

I was out the door faster then I was in, and walking eagerly to the end of the street, away from everything. My phone was buzzing in my jeans pocket, but I didn’t pick it up. It may be Kyle, or one of my friends that had seen me leaving the party. Either way, I didn’t want to answer and have to go through an entire conversation.

Later that night, when I was finally tucked in my warm bed, surrounded by comforting darkness, my phone buzzed again. At first, I didn’t want to pick it up. But after a few more alerts that informed me I had in fact a text, I picked it up and read it. I chastised the reminder option in my cell phone that made it buzzed every five minutes if I hadn’t opened a text. As I had it in my hands, a call came in and I answered, not thinking about it. My eyes were blind even though they were locked in the number on the screen, a number my head had memorized. I didn't say hello, or anything else for that matter, but he somehow knew that I had answered.

"Look, I said something... I'm sorry, it was harsh and stupid. You have a right to be pissed at me, but I want to apologize." He waited a few seconds, and seeing that I wasn't going to reply, he continued.

"I want something more then freedom." He stopped again, probably for impact. "I want you. I got scared and kept telling myself I didn't want this. Relationships are complicated but it's worth the try with you." Silence filled my head and as he waited a few more seconds on the other end of the line, I realized that there wasn't any noise in the background.

"Where are you?" I could imagine the smile on his face as I finally spoke but it wasn't quite the answer he wanted.

"I'm on your front steps. Come out." I sighed and he heard me. "Please go out with me. It could be tomorrow night if you don't want to see me right now." No, he was right, I didn't want to see him right now but the butterflies in my stomach had a different idea.

"I have class tomorrow."

"I'll pick you up in the morning and we could grab a coffee. I can take you home when we're done and we can study." He was speaking fast, almost as if he would convince me with the speed his words left his mouth.

"Please," he said. I smiled and even though I hadn't really thought it through, I mumbled a yes, barely audible. He still heard it and laughed, thanking me.

"Now go home, I have to wake up early tomorrow," I said, my heart beating incredibly fast.

"Yeah, I guess me too. I need to be fresh for my date with this amazing girl."

hi.
i am not sure what the story was all about. i liked it until i came to the end and then..well.. the ending, what was supposed to happen there? it was way to abrupt. the flow was so good until it crashes in the end making it look like a simple entry.

Kyle turned around abruptly, causing me to bump right into his chest.

i didnt know who Kyle was at first as you hadn't mentioned his name in the beginning. maybe doing that will give the reader a better picture as to who you are referring to.

Not his phone calls, not when he called my names across the school’s hallways

did you mean "calls my name"?

you have an excellent flow
maybe with a more refined ending the story might work.

Hello there! So I'm not going to beat around the bush, I'm jsut going to jump right in.
You say this guy is drunk right here but the way you right it seems like he's not. It would be more like "You Booteful" Something like that.

“You are beautiful.”

So in this sentence I think on instead of in would work better. Also, if you add one sign it would tie in better with the next sentence. If you combine both sentences with a semi colon the flow would be better too.

The smell of alcohol in his breath was a sign that he had drank quite enough. His behavior was the other one.

The second comma doesn't need to be there.

The compliment was nice, but when he was influence by alcohol, it wasn’t really what I expected from him.

This sentence doesn't need any commas.

I didn’t object, or even approve as he tugged at my arm, into the masses of people that were gathered throughout the house.

Do you mean tonight?

Kelsey had heard from someone in her biology class that there would be a huge party that night

This sentence would be better if you said " I laughed outloud as I looked around thie kitchen."

I laughed out loud, looking around the kitchen.

No comma and these two sentences could be combined as such "I laughed outloud as I looked aound the kitchen searching for my friends. I could see them anywhere." Or something along those lines

We had promised each other to stick together, but now I couldn’t see any of them anywhere.

No comma.

Kyle turned around abruptly, causing me to bump right into his chest.

How does he know all the rooms are taken? Also, if he's drunk he wouldn't speak like this and he's probably be irriatable.
“

Apparently all the rooms are taken.”

"He smiled once again taking the lead. We were outside in a matter of seconds with his lips on mine. I hadn't seen them coming and I giggled as his hands clasped my shoulders. I had suddenly become the wall chosen to support him." Or something like this. Your sentences were very choppy, so maybe think of revising them?

He smiled, once again leading me to someplace. We were outside in a matter of seconds, his lips on top of mine. I didn’t see them coming, and I giggled as his hands clasped my shoulders. I was becoming a wall, chosen to support his weight.

"A thought was bothering me so I pushed him away." No need for the last comma either.

I pushed him away, a thought was bothering me. I knew deep down that I was about to ruin an excellent mood, but I had to do it.

No comma. Period and start a new sentence."One night he had promised me a well deserved date but somehow between that moment ,nd the next morning, he had lost all interest in me.'Insert comma.

“I don’t get why you never took me on that date.” A few months ago, we had met at the University of Calgary, where we were both studying, phone numbers were exchanged and we talked every day. One night, he had promised me a well deserved date, and somehow, between that moment and the next morning, he had lost all interest in me. Of course we still talked occasionally, and he seemed to be at every party I was attending, but he never mentioned his promise again. I still thought of it every time I looked at him, and even though I willed myself to hate him for whatever he did, I was still fond of him.

Whew! Ok, so I liked where you were going with the story but somehow the sentences didn't seem right. I felt like the sentences were too quick almost like you were trying to get them out. Also, there were also alot of comma mistakes but usually you can fix those just by reading through your work and putting them where there are natural pauses. Also, your writing style seems to formal for this type of story. Teenagers use alot of contactiosn and slang words. It may seem wrong when you write them out on paper, but trust me, it makes the story seem more believable.
For me, when I'm trying to write dialogue I go around and listen to people conversations and how they speak. There are actually alot of drop off sentences and awkward stops. Try it, its helps.
The ending seemed slightly abrupt. There needs to be more to the story because it doesn't seem to fit the title.
For a first draft, this was good but I would make some revisions and maybe check out some peoples dialogues. It would help alot! I hope this helped!
If you have any questions, message me!
~Starleene~

Hey, theotherone!

There's not much I can add, most of the things have been said above. You forgot a "d" in the following sentence:

<<"Thanks," I mumbled, holding back a smile. The compliment was nice, but when he was influenced by alcohol...>> and a "[" here: <<small-caps]What I said was true. I love you. [/small-caps] >>

Other than this, you build tension and drama very easily, and your style is easy to read (readable? is that a word?). So, to sum it up, I liked it.