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The Jacket



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Points: 1007
Reviews: 18
Mon Oct 03, 2011 1:00 am
GrandmaMuffin says...



She sat quietly on the edge of the pool, freezing. However she loved the silence, and how the wind whistled past her ears, brushing her cheeks on the way by. The midnight sky was clouded; not a single star to be seen. Even the full moon couldn't shine through the haze. She smiled up at the sky. Snow was coming. She could tell from how the air smelled, and how it pushed itself around her delicate form. It hadn't snowed in three years. The certainty of seeing its beauty again, even for just a moment, made her giddy.
Suddenly, there was a loud crash from inside the house, followed by some obnoxious laughter and raised voices. Annoyance flared up inside her, licking her nerves with red hot fury. Breathing slowly, the raging fire settled, shriveling down to embers. She had learned to control her temper many times tonight. She had come out here to get away from all the noise and people. As you can already tell, the plan has failure written all over it. However, she didn't regret coming to the party. There was only one thing that dragged her here every year.
The backdoor opened, spilling light onto the porch and littering the air with the home's hideous din. But along with all the undesirables, a boy of fifteen stepped out into the cold. He wasn't much of a boy anymore, she thought. He was more man than anything now.

She could always tell when someone lied to her. Reading people was her art. However, he was different. He was amazing at covering his thoughts. Only when he brought his guard down could she finally get to see clear through him. But that had only happened once, and at a brief moment. That is why tonight made her worried. What had happened to him? The way he walked, the way he looked at her, the way he sat next to her, the way he talked and smiled, all different. He was completely opened up.
"How've you been? School OK?" He inquired politely. She didn't like it when people talked to her. Only with him did she make an exception, but she still wouldn't speak. She just nodded, answering his question silently.
"That's good." (Awkward silence moment) He looked up toward the sky, expecting to see stars. She could tell he was disappointed. He loved the stars. He had told her the stories of all the constellations. Like Draco, Perceus, and Orion. Those were her favorites.
After a while, she found herself studying his face, taking in his near perfection. How she longed to shift closer to him, be taken in his arms. That was only a daydream she had had countless of times, and she knew it was never ment to be. She worked her way over to his eyes. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. How true. With just one glance, she knew something was weighing him down. A great responsibility of some sort. . . Possibly the thing making him so open tonight? Anticipation swelled in her chest when he started to speak.
"Why don't you speak to me? To anyone? I'm really curious about what goes on inside that head of yours." Oh. Great. The most frequently asked question again. Doesn't anyone understand? She didn't know the answer to that either. Well, don't just sit mute, say something!
"I...I'm just weird like that." She wanted to smack herself as soon as she said it. 'I'm just weird like that'? She had to be joking! Dread filled her as she awaited his reply.
"Oh I don't think it's weird. Just... different."
"Isn't that the same thing?"
"No...Yes..."
She laughed, then feeling self concious, looked down at her shoes. Please say something, she pleaded in her head. No more awkward silences.
He breathed through his nose and let it out slowly. "I'm really glad you came tonight. But... why aren't you inside enjoying the merriment? Plus it's warmer in there."
"There's just...too many people." He wouldn't understand that, she thought,He's a people person. Then why do you love him so much if you have almost nothing in common?
"And you came out here for some peace, right? I've been there before." Surprising.
"Really?"
"Ya." That was followed by another silent moment. She began to notice how cold it was out there and wrapped her arms around her shoulders, trying to hide the goose bumps. He noticed.
"Hey do you want my jacket? You seem cold."
Astrid looked up. "Oh...No it's okay. I'm fine." She was freezing her butt off.
"No please, here." Before she had time to protest, the jacket was draped around her shoulders. Warmth spread along her arms and sank deep into her chest, melting her heart. It was the most wonderful feeling. She pulled the jacket closer, getting a whiff of his colone.
"Aren't you cold now?" she asked him.
Looking surprised, he replied,"Oh no! I'm good." She knew he was lying of course, even without seeing him rub his arms when her back was turned. Sighing, she began to remove the jacket, and naturally he began to protest.
"Hey, listen you can have it!" he said, concerned for her.
She smiled kindly,"It's all right! I'll be fine. Don't worry about me."
"No. I will worry about you."
She laughed jokingly."No you won't. You need it more than I do."
"No, you need it."
"The jacket's yours."
"Yes it is. But I'm lending it to you."
"It is an unwise lend."
"Is not. You deserve it."
"You deserve it more."
"No I don't."
"Yes you do. Just take the jacket!"
"It's my jacket and I decide who to lend it to. It's yours."
"Well what if I don't want it?"
"Then I would insist that you require its services!" Their voices rose in volume, overpowering the noise in the house.
"I refuse!"
"You can't refuse something you need!I won't let you!"
"Why not!?"
"Because I love you!" He shouted, then realized what just came out of his mouth and covered it.
"R-really?" Her voice wavered, the concept sinking in. She inched closer, as did he.
"Y-ya...You okay with that?" She didn't have time to answer, for their lips met. It blocked out all sound and thought from their minds, creating instant peace. The jacket slide off her shoulders and into the pool, forgotten. Just like everything else.
Suddenly, she pulled away, a puzzled expression on her face.
"What's wrong?" He asked.
"That...That's so strange. It should have started..." Then something landed on her nose. She craned her neck up to the sky in joy. The first was followed by another, then two more, then ten, then twenty, soon thousands. Fluffy, white stuff fell from the sky, landing in the couple's hair. They stared at each other, wonderous smiles spreading across their faces, followed by a giggle, then bursting laughter. The two twirled and danced, until they fell dizzily into the snow. The night seemed to last forever, but there came a time when she had to leave him.
"Until next time." He told her at the door, kissing her hand. She smiled goodbye and was hustled out the door by her parents. Only when she had left the driveway, did he remember to fish his jacket out of the pool.
If you expect the unexpected, wouldn't that make the unexpected the expected?
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean the fifth enjoys it?

~EPICFAIL~
  





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37 Reviews



Gender: Female
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Reviews: 37
Mon Oct 03, 2011 4:28 pm
JudyG710 says...



Wow! That was wonderful. I really enjoyed reading this. It was a sweet story, well-written, and simply wonderful. As I do most of the time, I did find one or two grammar/spelling errors. However, there were very few, and I believe they were probably typos. Other than that, I very much enjoyed this work. Keep writing, and may the Force be with you.
"Always believe in yourself. Do this, and no matter where you are, you will have nothing to fear." - Baron Humbert von Gikkingen
JudyG <3
  





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Mon Oct 03, 2011 8:30 pm
briggsy1996 says...



Hi there!
Let me start off by saying that I absolutely loved this- I am quite the sucker for romance.
I'll give you my overall thoughts in a moment, but I'd like to point out a thing or two:

"That's good." (Awkward silence moment) He looked up toward the sky, expecting to see stars.

-First, off, there should be a period between moment and the bracket. Also, it sounds a little disjointed. Perhaps you could try, "(Award moment of silence.)" or something like that.

"There's just...too many people." He wouldn't understand that, she thought,He's a people person. Then why do you love him so much if you have almost nothing in common?

- I don't think you should've put "she thought" in italics, for one thing. Also how you say, "He's a people person," and then to immediately proceed with an opposite thought sounds a tad off to me. Maybe you could've indicated that she's fighting with her thoughts internally, or put "Then why do you love him so much if you have almost nothing in common?" in it's own paragraph.

Anyway, onto the story- it was brilliant. A little cliche, what with the boy giving the girl his jacket scenario, but I don't feel that there's anything wrong with cliche. That's bound to happen at some point when writing anyway.
I love how you lead up to the big moment when he says that he loves her and then kisses her- it was so cute.
The only other thing i might suggest is lengthening it out a little bit- add some detail on the characters. I feel like I know your main character a fair bit, but I want to know more about her and your guy lead, before they get to the kiss. Maybe a twist of some sort?
However, those are only suggestions; no need to pay attention to them, because your story is already excellent.
Thanks for the read, and happy writing :)
-Briggsy
but the sky is love and i am for you
just so long and long enough
-E.E. Cummings
  





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18 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1007
Reviews: 18
Tue Oct 04, 2011 12:42 am
GrandmaMuffin says...



Thanks guys :)
If you expect the unexpected, wouldn't that make the unexpected the expected?
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean the fifth enjoys it?

~EPICFAIL~
  








We are not to simply bandage the wounds of victims beneath the wheels of injustice, we are to drive a spoke into the wheel itself.
— Dietrich Bonhoeffer