Young Writers Society

You have no idea how it makes me feel knowing that you will never be here with me.It makes me feel so sad and depressed,like if the world has no meaning to me anymore.Oh God honey,please come back to me!Please help me out from this horrible pain I'm in right now.Am i asking too much?Is what I'm asking ,impossible?But life is unfair ,unfair in making people suffer in love…Parents should teach their children from a small age that deceases don't kill you,poverty doesn't either but unfortunately the most addictive and dangerous one, is love.Love is the only thing in the world that no one knows the cure for!In the beginning it makes your heart break ,then you feel cold and lonely and you suffer.People tell you that it's not healthy living that way and in that moment you know when that exact person has never felt real and pure love for someone.You pity them,you feel that they still haven't explored the whole world and still they just quit!I try to explain to them how a person can change when is in love but they don't believe me!!They think I'm crazy,they believe that such 'love' only exists in movies and not in the tough,real world we live in.God,i feel so sad for them!!Love is the BEST sensation a human being can ever feel.There is a huge difference between 'love' and real love.Real love is when you really care about that person,and when you see them crying you want to help them,give them all you have ,be their hero!An other sign that shows that you love that person is when you can't stop thinking about them…Their face always pops up into your mind all the time.You feel like if they are all the time beside you,protecting you from any harm.And while you're talking about them,showing them off to your friends,you're heart beats faster and when you listen to their voice,you smile for no apparent reason.While looking at them,you can't see anyone else and they become all you think about…That's the difference between movie 'love' and REAL love.
How can you explain such extraordinary feeling to a person that has never felt this way and never cared about anyone but themselves?!Love is a feeling that people can't control,you can't feel it only for a second and then fall out of it…It's a feeling that you concur only when it's true.At the beginning you feel kind of strange, you feel that you have changed in a way you can't really explain.You can't stop thinking about that person,the only thing you want to do is to make them happy and never see them hurt.You want to give them your heart.For some people it's really difficult to admit that love has taken them over ,cause they think that people in love are dull and they finally found out that it's not true!

There are several things I wanted to point out with your story. First of, as soon as I looked at it, I felt the sudden urge to just pick another thing to review. Not to be rude, your story was absolutely fabulous and quite true, but the format made it seem like the story was squished into one giant paragraph. I think it would be just a tad more presentable if you broke the passage into paragraphs and space them more accurately.
Also, I find it better to put a space after each sentence. Like for example:

Am i asking too much?Is...

<--- (You should put a space in between much?! and Is.) I don't want to bash on this, it just makes the story seem even MORE scrunched up.
Last thing I wanted to clarify was that you have some comma problems and when referring to oneself as 'I', make sure the 'I' is capitalized.

Now, put all that into consideration and it would just make your story a lottle bit neater. The actual passage was excellent. What you said was absolutely true about love. I think if it like it basically kills you slowly and leads to you to an inevitable and slow death. I may not be an expert on the topic but let's just say I'm a hopeless romantic. ^^" Can't wait to review and read more of your works!

~Disenchanted. Out.

Hello there.

Like Disenchanted, I feel like the format isn't the best to present your story. It's overwhelming at first, and too much for the eyes. It is probably the reason you didn't have much reviews, because I know, because I had previous experiences, that readers will not read something that is not attractive to the eye.

I will quote the whole thing and do the best I can do to correct every format mistakes, so you can see the difference and perhaps change it after so it better. The red * are to show that I've put a space between two sentences or two parts of it anyways.

Perla wrote:You have no idea how it makes me feel knowing that you will never be here with me. *It makes me feel so sad and depressed, *like if the world has no meaning to me anymore. *Oh God honey,please come back to me! *Please help me out from this horrible pain I'm in right now.
*Space*
Am I asking too much? *Is what I'm asking ,impossible? *But life is unfair ,unfair in making people suffer in love…Parents should teach their children from a small age that deceases don't kill you, *poverty doesn't either but unfortunately the most addictive and dangerous one, is love.
*Space*
Love is the only thing in the world that no one knows the cure for! In the beginning it makes your heart break, *then you feel cold and lonely and you suffer. *People tell you that it's not healthy living that way and in that moment comma, you know when that exact person has never felt real and pure love for someone. *You pity them, *you feel that they still haven't explored the whole world and still they just quit! *I try to explain to them how a person can change when they are in love but they don't believe me!! One exclamation point is enough. *They think I'm crazy, *they believe that such love only exists in movies and not in the tough, *real world we live in.
*Space*
God, * I feel so sad for them!! Again, the second one is not necessary. *Love is the BEST sensation a human being can ever feel.There is a huge difference between love and real love. *Real love is when you really care about that person, and when you see them crying you want to help them, *give them all you have, *be their hero! *An other sign that shows that you love that person is when you can't stop thinking about them… *Their face always pops up into your mind all the time. *You feel like if they are all the time beside you, *protecting you from any harm. *And while you're talking about them, *showing them off to your friends, *your heart beats faster and when you listen to their voice, *you smile for no apparent reason.
*Space*
While looking at them, *you can't see anyone else and they become all you think about… *That's the difference between movie love and REAL love.
*Space*
How can you explain such extraordinary feeling to a person that has never felt this way and never cared about anyone but themselves?! *Love is a feeling that people can't control, *you can't feel it only for a second and then fall out of it… *It's a feeling that you concur only when it's true. *At the beginning you feel kind of strange, you feel that you have changed in a way you can't really explain. *You can't stop thinking about that person, *the only thing you want to do is to make them happy and never see them hurt. *You want to give them your heart. *For some people it's really difficult to admit that love has taken them over, *cause they think that people in love are dull and they finally found out that it's not true!

First off, I want to say that this was really redundant. It seemed like you said the same thing a few times. And what you say is good, and it's a really great base, but the way you've placed it as well as the way you've organized your ideas isn't the best. It's not really a short story. You don't tell us a story, only explain to us what love is. For the most part, people have already experienced love. What I recommend, is that you take this, and transfer it into context. With facts. Maybe it could be a real experience that you've had. You relating something about the time you found out what love really is.

Overall, it's good. I like how you've written this, and in another context, I think it would be absolutely perfect. So you have the base, which is the first step to a great work.

Sorry if I was rude, I didn't mean too. I love your work. Keep on writing!

-Other One

You have no idea how it makes me feel knowing that you will never be here with me. It makes me feel so sad and depressed,like if the world has no meaning to me anymore. Oh God honey,please come back to me! Please help me out from this horrible pain I'm in right now.
Am I asking too much? Is what I'm asking ,impossible? But life is unfair ,unfair in making people suffer in love. Parents should teach their children from a small age that deceases don't kill you, poverty doesn't either but unfortunately the most addictive and dangerous one, is love.
Love is the only thing in the world that no one knows the cure for! In the beginning it makes your heart break ,then you feel cold and lonely and you suffer.People tell you that it's not healthy living that way and in that moment, you know when that exact person has never felt real and pure love for someone. You pity them, you feel that they still haven't explored the whole world and still they just quit! I try to explain to them how a person can change when they are in love but they don't believe me! They think I'm crazy, they believe that such love only exists in movies and not in the tough ,real world we live in .
God, I feel so sad for them! Love is the BEST sensation a human being can ever feel. There is a huge difference between love and real love. Real love is when you really care about that person, and when you see them crying you want to help them, give them all you have, be their hero! An other sign that shows that you love that person is when you can't stop thinking about them. Their face always pops up into your mind all the time. You feel like if they are all the time beside you, protecting you from any harm. And while you're talking about them, showing them off to your friends,your heart beats faster and when you listen to their voice, you smile for no apparent reason.
While looking at them, you can't see anyone else and they become all you think about .That's the difference between movie love and REAL love.
How can you explain such extraordinary feeling to a person that has never felt this way and never cared about anyone but themselves?! Love is a feeling that people can't control, you can't feel it only for a second and then fall out of it. It's a feeling that you concur only when it's true. At the beginning you feel kind of strange, you feel that you have changed in a way you can't really explain. You can't stop thinking about that person, the only thing you want to do is to make them happy and never see them hurt. You want to give them your heart. For some people it's really difficult to admit that love has taken them over , cause they think that people in love are dull and they finally found out that it's not true!

This is really, really good. I love the emotion you put into it. I am glad to see that you took all of the corrections into consideration! I only have one correciion, if you wish to take it, just put a space in between your paragrpahs like just press enter and you're good to go. It's amazing, overall. It touches.