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Young Writers Society


Dancing In The Moonlight



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67 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 2724
Reviews: 67
Sat Oct 15, 2011 5:01 pm
DarknecrosisX says...



So I woke up this morning, grabbed my writing book and I thought: Do you know what I need to do? I need to practise my romantic fiction skills for the relationships in 'The Supernatural' :shock: . Now, seeming as I have had no experience with romance fiction whatsoever, don't be surprised if this is absolutely terrible. So enjoy! (Or at least try)
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A broad figure stood alone in the corner, his pitch black hair camoflauged in the shadows. A set of deep blue eyes scanned the surroundings, studying the room they knew so well, but not in this mood. The great hall within Dragonwood Academy, lit with lights all over the stone room. The hall was a great piece of architecture, standing at least three stories high, made of some kind of stone. Usually it was rather dull but in this light, it looked like a fancy hall in some kind of romance movie. Well he guessed that was only fitting for the occassion, considering that is was the end of year ball.Subtle music played as smartly dressed people rocked gently on the balcony. The smell of freshly cooked sausage rolls and cakes wafted through the air. Kai sniffed at the sweet scents.

He emerged from the shadows and headed straight to the buffet table. All he wanted to do was wash the sorrow away, even if that meant stuffing himself until he was sick. He was heartbroken, so he didn't really care. His date, Julia Hubbard, had ditched him for some rich, stuck-up guy, so Kai was left to dance with himself. As if that was even possible. Kai sliced a large piece of chocolate cake, placed it on a paper plate and saturated it in cream, then sighed.
'You gonna eat all of that?' a feminine yet assertive voice said behind him.
'Why do you care? Your'e not part of the Academy's weight watching club are you?' Kai replied, after a short pause.
He turned around to see a girl around five feet, eight inches (Kai was six feet two). She was rather attractive. She had long, flowing, brown hair, emerald green eyes and had a rather slim, yet curvy figure. Her long, scarlet red dress went well with her gold necklace and ruby earrings. But her face was the only thing Kai cared about, he believed that the eyes were the windows to the soul.
'Yes', she laughed, 'But I would very much like some'.
Kai stared at her, she was growing evermore attractive to him. His sorrow had dissappeared and was replaced with an emotion he'd only felt once before. And that brought back bitter memories.
The girl cleared her throught.
'Oh, right' Kai stuttered, as he cut a part off of his cake.
'Don't worry about another plate', the girl smiled 'we can share. You don't have cooties do you?'
'I don't think so...' Kai said, scratchng his chin.
'I was joking! Lighten up!'
'Oh. Yes. Hahahahaha.'
The girl nudged him gently and made her way towards a table. Kai followed.

'So', she said. 'Names'.
'Yeah, I'm Kai, Kai ' he replied, raising his hand.
'Lucy West' she smiled, shaking his offered limb.
'I haven't noticed you before Lucy, whose form are you in?'
'Miss Paenna's, she's a bit strict I find, but she loves to help people. You?'
'Mr Burrows', he's a bit of fun', Kai answered 'but serious when he needs to be'.

Kai was starting to think that the night was about to get a lot better, considering he started it close to suicidal. He took his parts in the conversation, but he wasn't really listening to her words, he was to busy gazing into her eyes. He snapped out of his trance when she asked him to dance. He paused. 'Sure', he answered 'not like I have anything better to do'. She took his hand and headed straight to the balcony.

It was cold out, but that wasn't much of a problem, Kai's black suit was quite warm. The song changed. The song that came on was 'Dancing in the Moonlight' by Toploader.
'Oh, this is one of my favourites!' Lucy whispered, as she raised her arm, hand loose.
Kai took her hand and slowly started to step with her. He was gazing down at his feet, making sure he didn't trip up. He looked up and his eyes met Lucy's. She pulled herself closer to him, tucking her head into his chest. 'Do you know what the weird thing is Lucy?' He whispered.
'What?'
'I thought I was gonna end the night with a noose around my neck, but I have your arms instead. It's really opened my eyes.'
'What has?'
'That love always has it's ways'
The music subsided and Lucy gently pulled away from Kai's chest. Something inside Kai took control of him, he didn't know what it was, but he wasn't going to fight it. He leaned forward, towards Lucy. He lips pursed. He closed his eyes and felt her's touch his. The world around him could wait. He was trapped in pure bliss while the world was busy dancing in the moonlight.
Laments of passion
Obstructed by fear.
Under guises of jovial chatter;
Incredulous hopes
Steadily feasting away-
Eating away at my heart.
  





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Sat Oct 15, 2011 5:10 pm
CrimsonArrow says...



Hi, to start off, I didn't think it was absolutely terrible, in fact, it was quite memorable. There were some parts where, yeah, it was a little cheesy, but you can totally do that with romance fiction. I don't mean for that to sound like I know everything about romance, because I don't. And I only found grammarical error.
scratchng his chin.

But that's easily fixable. The flow of the story and the overall execution was very good, and somewhat surprising if it is your first romance. I did enjoy reading it, and because of the beginning (where you said why you wrote this) I might read the other story you mentioned.

So, to sum this up, I think you did a fantastic job. There was only one minor error in grammar usage (which is understandable because the English language is oh so confusing) and I think that this story is very nice and sweet. So keep writing because I find it somewhat epic.
I'm oxygen potassium!
What's life without adventure?
  





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136 Reviews



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Points: 2952
Reviews: 136
Sat Oct 15, 2011 6:19 pm
Leahweird says...



I really liked this piece, but it has some problems, mostly with pacing. Your trying to shove teh entire process of falling in love into a very small space. I think this would flow better if you focused on Kai's intitial reaction to Lucy, and his realization that his feelings could develop into somthing really wonderful. That's just my view of what love at first sight is. Otherwise you did a really nice job of portraying the first few moments of a relationship.
  





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67 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 2724
Reviews: 67
Sat Oct 15, 2011 8:55 pm
DarknecrosisX says...



P.s I am now immasculated
Laments of passion
Obstructed by fear.
Under guises of jovial chatter;
Incredulous hopes
Steadily feasting away-
Eating away at my heart.
  





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13 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1213
Reviews: 13
Fri Oct 28, 2011 12:05 am
Teresabanosg says...



I just noticed you wrote a romantic story!
This is pretty good.You should write more of these. I'll be glad to review them, since I'm such a fan of romance.
The thing I'd tell you to watch out for is your pace and flow. There was a part where it was only dialogue, and I think you should maybe add something else. But I loved it. I felt it.
Please write more of these!
Keep on writing :)
Teresa
Am I crazy enough?
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 1137
Reviews: 9
Sat Oct 29, 2011 3:59 am
dreamwriting2611 says...



This is quite good honestly. I feel like you need a bit more description, but that's just me. I liked how you described her. It's funny because I have a friend named Kai and I was picturing him the whole time. Haha. You're character is kind of like him. I would like to read more.
You are worth every breath that I breathe, every beat of my heart. I would give my last breath to tell you that I love you.
  





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Sat Oct 29, 2011 1:47 pm
Faery007 says...



I didn't think it was at all terrible! If fact, with a little refining and practice, this could be quite excellent. The idea that you have has great potential to an opening chapter, or even just a short story. The only thing I would say that bugged me a little is just make sure that when you clip your words, you make sure it's in the right places. Just read through it make sure the formality suits the clipping of a word. I'm in a super rush, but it was good! Keep writing my YWS friend!

(Sorry for the lamest review of Earth)

Hayley
  








The poetry of the earth is never dead.
— John Keats