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Losing it



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122 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 249
Reviews: 122
Fri Oct 21, 2011 2:24 am
aouther2b says...



Green eyes staring at me, his face mere inches apart, begging me, pleading me, to reach out and touch him, kiss him, love him. Love, is it real? And if it is, what sends it in its spiraling motion toward perpetual bliss. The bliss and hell all at the same time that makes you want to rip your heart out. Is it love that breaks you down, wears you out, and yet keeps you sane all at once? Or is the fear of being out of it that can keep you in the most dangerous of circumstances?
I stare into the mirror hating what I see. The girl looks back with a pleading look in her eyes. Her skin three times to big and her eyes hidden by a frame and some glass. Her ass, round and sticking out is like a giant sign waiting to be seen. Her chest, large but tiny in comparison to what resides below it. It’s no wonder I don’t have a boyfriend. Ya, ya I know all about the he’ll love you for your personality not your looks. Bull shit. All he will care about is what your cup size is and how skinny are you. He is in high school what else do you expect. So ya, no boyfriend only best friends.
Best friend Fea, she has it all. Smart, funny, kind, skinny. Everything I want to be. I’m smart, and funny, and kind. But that skinniness that is what haunts me everyday now. She is good to me an I to her. I can tell her my secrets and not have to worry she will tell anyone else. She has told me hers and I haven’t spilled all of them.
Numbers, they’re my worst enemy. 178.6, 116, and 1000; weighing me down, lighting me up, and helping me in between. Letters, B, C, and F. Grades, size, and how I feel. Time, short and limited.
I have lived through a lot in my 15 years on earth. Some have lived more, some have lived less. I have seen love falter and blossom. I have felt power and powerless all at the same time. I’ve seen success and failure. Yet there is something in me that I can’t seem to get past.
I walked down the stairs and looked up at the clock. 5:45. ten minutes until I leave for school. Good, it means I can skip breakfast, and lunch, and before you think I am anorexic I will tell you right now I am not. I eat; just I like to stay under a certain number of calories. I’m not that active so if it means eating less then I will. I hear my sister come down as I fill my water bottle with water. I pull a granola bar out of the box in the cupboard, 100 calories. Jane and I cross paths as I head for the door.
We’re two years apart, her being the older sister. We’re not close by any means but she is there for me when I truly need her. We look nothing alike. She has the body I want; I have the charisma she needs. Her life is centered around her boyfriend; mine is centered around my dreams. She is smarter, I am sweeter.
She knew what she wanted before Andy came along. She was going to be a neurosurgeon. Now she doesn’t even know what college she is going to. She used to have it all mapped out. See, what I told you? Its love that makes us fall from grace.
The cold air of the morning smacks me in the face. I draw my coat closer as I walk to the bus stop. I reach up and check my hair, its auburn tresses fall right in place. My hair when it’s clean is my best and only good feature.
Either write something worth reading, or do something worth writing. -- Benjamin Franklin
  





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100 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 6717
Reviews: 100
Fri Oct 21, 2011 6:06 am
Hecate says...



Hey, I'm Stela and I'll be reviewing for you today :)

aouther2b wrote:Green eyes staring at me, his face mere inches apart, begging me, pleading me, to reach out and touch him, kiss him, love him.
To be honest, I didn't really understand this line and its relevance to the story.

aouther2b wrote:Her skin three times too big


aouther2b wrote: Her ass
Sounds out of character, to be honest. She doesn't sound like someone who would use the word 'ass'.

aouther2b wrote: Ya, ya


'Yeah, yeah' not 'Ya, ya'

aouther2b wrote:and I to her


aouther2b wrote: the 'he’ll love you for your personality not your looks.'
Include quotation marks, because she doesn't really believe it.

aouther2b wrote:felt powerful and powerless all at the same time.


aouther2b wrote: See, what I told you? Its love that makes us fall from grace.


Two things. First, the comma after 'See' is unnecessary. Second, 'it's' as opposed to 'its'. Oh! And she didn't really say love made us fall from grace.

Those are the nitpicks.
Story wise, I can see how this could be good. Can't really comment on plot as it doesn't come through that much. I imagine she's anorexic? That would be interesting to read about. She's full of self pity and that at least comes through well. So well done with that.

As it is a short story, perhaps the plot could be moving faster. Make it snappier.

Also, the only character trait we really discover about her is that she's got a lot of self pity. She calls herself nice and smart and funny, but we don't see it. It's the idea of show vs. tell. Show us that she's nice, smart and funny. Don't tell us that. She just comes off as conceited about her personality when you do that.

Otherwise, good job! This could be really interesting.


Good luck :)
  





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413 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 11009
Reviews: 413
Sat Oct 22, 2011 1:31 pm
Cailey says...



Wow! I love this, absolutely! there is so much emotion here and I can put myself in this situation. It's very well written, and it's just, well it's good.
As for the content, I know it's overused, but love shouldn't be about the physical. that isn't love at all. Love is the guy who will love you because of how smart and sweet and nice you are. the guy who will see the physical and no matter how bad it is he will think you're beautiful. Yeah, that kind of guy is not common. But he is out there, and I believe that someday every girl will have her fairytale, she just has to be patient.
Now, I didn't catch any mistakes, but you can always reread one more time. I really liked how you added in a few details, but not too many and not all at once. Hm, I can't think of what else to say. I just want to say don't give up on your perfect guy just yet, and you are an amazing writer. Don't settle for a guy who won't read everything you write!
A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity. -Kafka

Look: A Link! https://caijobetweenthepages.wordpress.com/
  








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