Young Writers Society

Hello everyone!! Just a quick something I wipped up.

It was the last day if school and it happened as everyone said it would happen. The girls were sitting in bunches crying, hugging and saying how much they’ll miss each other next year when they go to different high schools.

I was playing soccer with the other guys in my class when it happened. She ran towards us across the field, her long mousy blond hair streaming behind her like a ribbon. I could hardly have known that then, but I had the feeling she was running towards me.

I paused in the middle of sending what would have been a spectacular pass to Orion and just stared at her. She got to a couple of feet away from me below she flung her arms around my neck, “I’m going to miss you Jack!” She cried; I could feel the wetness of her smooth cheek against my own.

She pulled away and glanced nervously around the sort-of crowd that had gathered to watch what would happen next. “Uh- I’ll miss you too Beth,” I said awkwardly, failing to not notice her red face.

“I’ll- uh, I hope I see you next year,” Beth said and turned to walk away through the muttering crowd of other year-eights. I don’t know what came over me but I reached out and grabbed her hand.

Beth’s bloodshot eyes widened and turned back to face me. I pulled her in closer to me before we were almost nose-to-nose. I could see the flecked gray in her blue eyes and the freckles spread across her nose; I counted seven.

Suddenly, those beautiful eyes were closed and I knew what to do. I leaned in further and felt my lips meet hers; they were so soft and sweet to kiss. I knew there was some noise in the background but I didn’t fully recognize what was being said; it was only Beth and I right now; nothing else mattered.

I felt a rough hit on my shoulder and my mind raced ahead to teachers, parents and being attacked by some other random year-eight boy who wanted my girl. I drew away from Beth and opened by eyes.

“Jack and Beth sitting in a tree…” Orion chided, and I realized it had only been a pat on the back, not an attack on me. I glanced over at Beth and was relieved when I saw her smile and give a nervous giggle. I grinned back at her and reached for her hand again. It felt more natural to me now and I recognised the feel of her fingers curling around mine and giving a small squeeze. I couldn’t imagine why I hadn’t seen how pretty she was before now.

I wondered over with Beth’s hand still in mine, towards the crowd of people. I figured out what some of the noise had been now. Some people were laughing and smiling, giving me nudges with their elbows and teasing good-naturally but some were yelling insults, mainly about Beth being a ‘slut’ or mimicking nastily a big fake kiss with their friend beside them, making stupid faces and stupid voices.

I wanted to punch them, I wanted them to take back what they said about us but I felt Beth’s hand in mine pulling me gently away from the crowd and towards a small tree,
“It’s just you and me right now Jack, nothing else matters,” And she gave me another kiss, a smaller one this time but just as nice. Beth walked away from me, tripping several times due to outstretched feet but every time getting back up and heading back to her group of friends clustered a small way away from the main group, smiling as she joined them.

Hi there! I haven't reviewed romantic fiction in a bit, but it probably won't make such of an impact.

I really didn't like how this was. It all felt extremely rushed, random and hardly realistic. It's as if this was an excerpt of something, like there was a back-up story. But since this is in the 'Short Stories', I don't think it is that way. And as you say you just 'whipped' it up, I think that's rather obvious. I'm not saying it's bad - no, I think it's cute and sweet- but I also think if you intend on keeping the randomness, you may want to offer the audience a bit of an exposition. Right now, I only see two very flat characters (maybe three) - Jack, Beth (and Orion). We know so little about them that when Jack comes to this realization that he really does love (or admire) Beth, it doesn't make so much of an emotional impact on the readers as it really should. This is due to the fact that you lend us, as the audience, no time to get a sense of who these young lovers are, where this love (or admiration) comes from. We need details, deary, details!

Supporting what I've just written, you might want to start with Jack maybe admiring Beth with her friends, but subtly. Nothing explicitly written and instead implicitly state his admiration for her. Perhaps he notes how her hair shines healthily beneath the sun (<--- that is cliche, don't use that! ) or something like that. I hope you know what I mean. Or, you could make this short story into a novel - it definitely has that type of potential for something lengthy. Because there is so much information lacking from this short story, there is tons to be written. As a novella, one could write much about Jack and Beth, perhaps by alternating narrations. I'm not sure, I'm just throwing ideas at you.

Besides the fact that it all seems rushed, I also noticed that some of your wording is a little awkward. Sometimes you've used a word that's just a little weird in a certain spot and is better used elsewhere (elsewhere meaning perhaps not even in this story). For example:

The girls were sitting in bunches crying

'Groups' is better suited here simple ... because. 'Bunches' tends to make one think of a bunch of flowers, such as a bouquet of roses.

It was the last day if school and it happened as everyone said it would happen.

Weird, there. Is this referring that the last day of school had the possibility of not ever coming?

her long mousy blond hair streaming

First, 'mousy' is usually used to describe brown hair, not blond. Secondly, it's not really a word possessing a positive connotation - it's usually quite the opposite. You might want to consider replacing it with something else.

Overall, I thought that it was ... okay. Really, it could be so much better if it wasn't so rushed and random. It's kind of awkward to read about a sort-of couple when we know absolutely nothing about both people involved. It's just jumping in, nothing explanatory and descriptive. Obviously, when writing, one should be descriptive (but beware of too much description!) and you're rather missing that. As the writer, you should supply at least a little background information on this love interest beforehand. It would improve your story a lot more!

Yours,
Lavvie

I have to agree with LavenderBlue: it was rushed and seemed unrealistic, although it was cute! Adding onto what she said, though, I don't think a first kiss (at least I'm assuming it's a first - for them, at least) to happen around all their friends during school.

I don't see anything deep about these characters. At first, I thought it was some random girl coming up to hug him. xD I would suggest adding detail and insight.

I felt a rough hit on my shoulder

I thought this was kind of odd... How about a rough shove or something? Not sure if this is just me, but it just sounds weird.

Well, I think Lavender has everything else covered and I would take her advice.

KentuckyWish