Young Writers Society

Snoink!



....

Whoa... that was... uh... I don't know what to say... that was... very.. perturbing! How about that?

Well, one more thing:

Eeeeeew!

BBB

heheh

A everyone else said, this was too perfect for words. The only thing that can be improved (I think) is the age. It seems to keep switching from 5/6 to 10. The things that sound like she's 10: 'you like that, don't you, you little whore,' though she may just be quoting her father, and the braces thing. The rest either sounds like she's 5/6 or can be either. A lot of it seems to be leaning towards the younger side (she's VERY impatient,) but I'm not sure what you can do about the 10 part. When I first read this, I only read the second half (I know, I'm lazy ) and I was convinced that she was 12. I'm confused...but you'll figure something out with your brilliant writing! (Oh, and sorry for rambling...)

This is brilliant, but very, very disturbing. *shudders*

My only complaint: I noticed the same thing about the age as JFW1415 did. She seems very young most of the time, but then the braces... Maybe just cut them out?

Keep it up!;)
~Kalliope

I feel violated.... But in all seriousness this was a very well written story that was well put together. I literally gasped at the last scene with the father. Ughhh... *shivers*

The ending scared me, it left me hanging with a thought running through my head, "What'd they do?" And OMG, the dolls played with each other.
It's good! This is the first time that I encountered a story like this. Dolls and scary. But I find this one cool. It's not boring and it really affected me. And you've presented the dolls like they have life in an excellent life.

OMG that freaked me out! I love the idea of the cliffhanger because it makes us crave more, and good job showing how a child can easily be influenced by their parents. You're a great author!! I'm new to YWS and I hope that you can check out my story and lend me feedback on how I can become an excellent writer like you

Oh...My...Gosh...
This was wicked. I wanted to stop reading it was so creepy but you kept pulling me back in! The ending! Ahhh! I can't even descibe how well you tied that in! Very masterful! *Bows down* You are a master!
Haha! It was disturbing yet the elegance of the writing just blew my mind, I'm still trying to process it
~Starleene~

*Shudders* God, way to get my mind into creepy mode! *Shudders again* Thanks for that. Apart from the...*Shudders yet again* It is very well written. You should write horror books. You seem suited for it and I would definatly buy a book written by you.

Wow...
Wow...
I didn't get it for most of the story. At first I just thought she was violent, but then with the sudden use of that word, that blunt rude word, it shockd me. This weird little girl, violent and rude. But it was written so well it just gripped me. And then the ending was so so so shocking.
You have a very twisted mind.
I don't know if that's good or not.
The writings incredible though.
Right at the end, perhaps you could say a bit more about how she's feeling about what the dad says. I take it he's abusing her? She could gulp, or shiver slightly, just to make me like her a bit more. But then maybe not. I dunno. Well creepy.

This was really great! I loved the contrast between the dark mood and the innocence (usually) of a child. Your grammar was great and the story had a wonderful flow. I'll definitely read more from you! The cliffhanger ending really made this story interesting. I liked that there were multiple ways to interpret the meaning. Kudos!