Young Writers Society

Tears that couldn't be shed were filling my heart, drowning me in my own sorrow. I held on to your memory when it all came crashing back down. For months I had lived happily, keeping thought of you at bay. But in that dark place, I couldn't fight it anymore.

It was a song that brought you back. I heard your whisper in the haunting melody, felt your caress as the music touched my heart. When I heard our song, I broke down, and the warrior everyone else saw fell. Pain that had been buried was brought back to life. The wind blew out the only light I had found left in my heart.

I clung to your picture, wishing that I could cry just in spite of you. You were the real soldier who never showed weakness, who held me when I cried, but never allowed yourself to. After you left, I promised myself I would be just as strong. Even if the entire world saw the hopelessness in my eyes, they would never get my tears. I would at least keep that one piece of you for myself. But in that moment I wanted to hate you, to cry so that I could prove I was nothing like you, but I could never hate you; all I could ever do was miss you.

It was meant to happen. That's what they had all told me in the beginning. No matter how hard I tried I could not make myself believe it. You were not supposed to leave. We were supposed to live happily ever after. You once told me you would be back. I never got my fairy-tale ending.

As I sat by your grave, I sang the words that had made me think if you. "Just like a crow chasing a butterfly. Dandelions lost in the summer sky. When you and I were getting high as outer space, I never thought you'd slip away. I guess I was just a little to late."

And I still couldn't cry because I knew you would never be able to hold me again.

Your words described the pain and sorrow you had experience. I super love your work! I feel connected to the story. Though we can never put the best words to represent our feelings, this story have a good score in doing so. I like the song too.

You were the real soldier who never showed weakness, who held me when I cried, but never allowed yourself to.

This phrase is the most beautiful phrase in this story. It pulls back the good memory of you and the person where it portrays that you needed the person through high and low. Keep up the good work.

Hi there!

This is good writing. I like the flow and the sadness of it.

My main gripe about this is that, I know you want to 'show' us these emotions and you're doing them pretty well. But try not to plonk in too many of the overused phrases? The examples would be : drowning, crashing, the only light. These are good when used at the right moment. Here, in a short story, you're using too many such phrases. When a person's sad, try to show more of the sadness and don't colour it with too many metaphorical phrases. I say too many because a few are fine; too many - not, especially when they're placed so near each other in a short story.

As I sat by your grave, I sang the words that had made me think if you. "Just like a crow chasing a butterfly. Dandelions lost in the summer sky. When you and I were getting high as outer space, I never thought you'd slip away. I guess I was just a little to late."

This was brilliant. I wish you had spent a couple more lines in showing us the sadness and pain before throwing in this line.

Good work anyways. ^_^

~Lava