Young Writers Society

It was three am in the middle of the night. Ian was standing with his bare feet on the shore of the sea. He still had about two hours left. Maybe she would finally show up. He never lost hope and he was determined not to. His toes had sunk into the once hot now cold sand. But he didn't care. His hands felt a little bit cold too so he put them in to the pockets of his black jeans. He loved the winter wind as it gently caressed his face and pushed some of his hair on his forehead now and then. He was admiring the beauty of the sea at night. Even in the darkness, the sea never lost its silver luster. A heavenly work of art, Ian thought.
It was windy and the sea wasn't quiet. The line of the shore was consumed by the waves throwing themselves at it… first, a wave would gently start walking towards the shore in a gentle satiny manner that it attracts you to come and swim with it, but all of a sudden it starts to rise upward to the sky and smash down with such force that all you could hear was its raging roar. Then, it would softly make its way towards Ian's feet, hugging it with its cold hands and washing away all the sand that was hiding his toes. Ian shivered the minute the ice water of the winter sea touched his feet.
He enjoyed standing on the shore at nights like these and found great satisfaction in the fact that no one ever came here. It was his secret veiled place, free of any lies, games or deceit. He didn't like people lying nor playing games or hiding inside their closet of masks. He came here at night to smile and even though he never did, he knew he will someday. All he could see was the flawless ocean and its never ending emotions.
Ian liked to talk to the sea when he was feeling down, always knowing that there's someone to listen. He never knew exactly who and he never knew why but there was a deep connection between him and the blue water on this earth for as long as he can remember. It got deeper as he grew up and Ian came to know that he would never stop looking at the sea as long as he was breathing.

He had taken off his t-shirt with the aim of jumping in to the water and feeling its silky alluring hands take over his whole body. He walked a little bit forward till the water went up to his knees. He decided that the distance wasn't enough and began walking a little bit further. The sea now went up to his waist. He closed his eyes and slowly spread both his arms sideways. He sensed the water beginning to tremble around his bare waist and knew that a wave was coming. He held his position not opening his eyes once.
Then there it was… the wave had completely covered him on its way down. He felt the water collapse into his face and bare chest. He felt his whole body being washed by this magical sea. He felt the particles of the water as it passed between his slim fingers and his heart ached for a girl he had long been missing. He felt the water as it grabbed him from the shoulders holding tight and he remembered that time she jumped at him from the back on a Friday morning. He felt the water as it played with his hair and Ian cried a hidden tear because she would always do that before he went to sleep. He felt the water pushing against him, shouting in rage, wanting him out of its own space. He felt the water as it surrendered and went down over his spine making its way to the faint yellow sand as it always does.
He opened his eyes again. His wet eyelashes felt heavy on his face. He didn't want to open his eyes. He didn't want to look at all the blackness around him.. even though he liked it. He was searching for a glimpse of light, a touch of innocence, a look of love and one hug of pure desire. He didn't want to give up to the fact that he would never find it. He didn't want to miss having someone surround him with his whole body just because they felt safe around him. He didn't want to spend his days faking laughter. He didn't want to spend his nights swimming in the vortex of his thoughts. He didn't want to do that anymore. He didn't want to imagine the story of his life, He wanted to write it. He wanted to live it.

He began walking to the shore again. When he got to the sand, he looked in front of him to find a girl standing just a few inches away. He didn't see her on his way as if she wasn't even there. He looked in her eyes. They were deep chocolate brown and mystical. She had long black eyelashes. He looked at her lips. They were magnetizing red and had an appealing effect against her bright skin. He breathed in and he could smell her. The same perfume she would always put on. Sweet musk he adored.
Ian then looked at what she was wearing. She had a long red silk dress on that went down to her ankles. It was perfect to shape her whole body. She had her arms resting next to her. She was bare foot.
Ian now looked at her eyes again and then he quietly felt her lips with the back of his fingers. She was beautiful. All he could think of was how powerful and beautiful God is to create something so angel-like and pure as her. While admiring her creation, Ian got lost in the maze that her eyes took him on. He still had his hands upon her lips but he was deep in concentration that he lost the feel to his own hands and they stopped moving upon her lips.
She then put her hand on his, broke the eye contact and brought his right hand into hers so that the palm of his hand was facing the sky. She was looking at his hand. Ian, however, never looked down and was now glancing at the side of her face. Her long brown wavy hair had fallen on her eyes taking from him the pleasure of looking at her. He didn't know what to do, didn't know where he was. He was still lost in her maze and didn't get the chance to find his way back.
Ian then felt her finger weakly caress the palm of his hand and in the silence a smile was drawn on his face. She looked up at him and smiled to herself.

"I've never seen you smile before." She said.
"I didn't have a reason to." He told her.
"So why are you doing it now?" She wanted an honest answer and looked him in the eyes waiting for a reply.
He respected her challenging act. But he didn't answer her for he already believed she knew the answer. He came a little bit closer with his mouth near her eyes and whispered to her as if he didn't want the waves to hear. "Does it matter why? Would it make a difference? Would anyone care?"
He then drew small circles with his soft lips next to her eyes.
She had her eyes closed now.
Then she said "I would. I missed your smile. You rarely show it to me anymore."
"What's your name?" He asked.
"…. Belle. My name is Belle, Ian." She said as her gaze drifted to the sand beneath them.
He raised her chin up to look at her face and then said with a little confusion in his voice ".. See? How am I supposed to keep up if you change your name every night? But that's okay. Belle is such a belle name. I like it." He then brushed her hair away from her face and slid his hand down her shoulder feeling it up and down several times.
"Why did you come here tonight, Ian?"
"I've missed you."
"How come when you don't even remember my name."
"Names are only just letters put together to make labels we found ourselves unable to comprehend. Many people don't know the names of flowers. Many people worship flowers. What does names matter for. All that matters is your soul, your atmosphere, your presence. All that matters is you."
He slid his hand all the way down her arm till he took hold of her hand.
"I love how you say that but never forget to ask me what my name is every time we see each other." Belle smiled.
"So what do you want to do on this very special night?" He asked.
"Anything. Doesn't matter. As long as I am with you."
"You know what I wanna do?" Ian looked at her with brightness in his eyes.
"What?" Her eyes were smiling back.
"I feel like dancing with you."
"I never knew you were into dancing."

She finished that sentence and he gently caressed his hand over her bare back and pulled her closer to him so they could dance. Belle had one hand on his shoulder and the other was held by his in the air next to them.
"I'm not." He said "but you're so soft and natural. Makes me wanna dance with you. And only you."
Belle's face got a little red and she could feel a ray of heat take over her body.
"But how are we gonna dance with no music?"
"We're already doing it." Ian whispered while they were moving in tune with each other left and right. Then he lowered both his hands till they rested on her waist. She now had her arms around his neck and she kept playing with the hair at the back of his head.
He let out a simple moan of pleasure than came close to her ears and said " and we'll always have the ocean song to ourselves."

She laughed so sweet and then said "Incredible how you make everything seem real if you want to."
Ian then strongly but vulnerably pushed her away from him while holding on to her left hand. He couldn't stand her being away for a second again. But he had to. For the dance and everything around him demanded it.
Belle went away spreading her right arm open and even as quickly, she came back twirling in small little circles until she hit his bare chest. He gently and protectively surrounded her with both his arms. Not daring to let go again. Belle had her eyes closed. She tilted back her head and buried her hair beside his neck. He lowered his mouth to her check right next to her lips and then whispered..
"Life is nothing but scenes made of our own imagination."
He then printed a little peck on her forehead and spun her around so that she was now facing him.
She looked him in the eyes "So nothing is real?"
He slid a finger from her jaw to her neck all the way down to her belly and then moved his hands from her waist to her back, knelt down and put his other hand behind her legs and then carried her up so that she was now sitting in his arms.
A wide smile was being colored second after second upon his face. Ian looked Belle in the eyes and then began going around in circles with her in his arms. She was laughing her heart out.
Then he finally put her down and she had both her hands resting on his chest now from being dizzy. She could sense the world upside down around her. But she couldn't care less. She was elated and joyful. He came in a little bit closer to her face and told her with their nose touching "Everything is real only if we want it to be."
Ian then spun her the other way around, folded his arms around her. She took his hand in hers and they kept rocking together in time. Nothing else mattered then.
He took a deep breath of her hair. It felt like vanilla. And a simple voice came out from the back of his throat.
" I love it when you do that." She said.
"Do what?" He replied still breathing into her hair.
"Smell my hair.." she grinned.
He then planted little groups of kisses on her neck. She was slowly slipping downwards in-between his arms and he kept going down with her – not wanting to let go – until he fell on his knees with her between his arms.
He whispered from the back of her head " I love you, Belle."
She turned around to face him.. "I love you too."


His lips were hovering next to hers. He leaned in and before he even felt anything, they were kissing. It was the first kiss they had had together in a long time. It was sweet and soothing at first. It was turning slowly into something passionate, something ghostly, full of desire. Their mouths were moving in a rhythm that matched the rhythm of their dance together. Sometimes fast, strong and consuming.. but others soft, heavenly and pleasantly slow.

Ian then stopped to look in her eyes. Welcome back. He hoped to say. But no words came out. Instead, he kept staring into her wide chocolate eyes. They were happy he could tell. But there was something unusual about them. It's as if they were visualized. No doubt they were legendary but fabricated. As if they have been envisioned. A Perfect work of imitation. He knew it deep down but didn't want to believe it.
He looked one more time. Her eyes were no longer smiling. The sun was beginning to rise now. The sky was turning to deep pink.
He asked her "What's the matter?"
She looked onto the now warm sand and whispered.. "I have to go."

His heart sunk. "Where?"

"To a place where I don't exist. To a place where I can not be seen. To a place way more cruel and way more awful than this sea, Ian. To a place where I long for you." She whispered so quietly, he could barely hear her. She got up on her feet and started walking away.
Ian was stuck in his place. He got sick of the metaphors. All he understood in this very moment was that the love of his love was getting away. He quickly got up and took hold of her wrist.

"Don't go Belle. I couldn't believe it when I found you again. You can't go. We're both lost without each other."

"If I could, I would. I would stay here. But that's not my world Ian. I have no choice in this. I can not stay in a world that's not mine." She freed her wrist from between his fingers. And began running in the opposite direction.
Poor Ian couldn't understand a word she was saying. He buried his face in his hands closing his eyes for less than a second... talking to himself.. "What is she saying?.. I love her. She can't do this."


A second later, he looked up around of him. She was no where to be found. Couldn't be. He ran everywhere looking for her with his eyes. The sun was rising now. He shouted. He shouted upon the faint yellow sand. The sun looks beautiful he thought. He was shouting at the top of his lungs. Chanting her Belle name. What a heavenly work of art the sea is. Where did she go away? How did she do it so fast? He was not willing to give up. He called for her again. Running to right first then to the left. He couldn't understand. How could this be. He topped running and His eyes shed a tiny but painful tear upon his now red cheek. It made a tiny river and struggled on its way down his chin until it finally made the big jump and went on the sand beneath his feet. He stood still facing the rising sun shine. I'll never forget our dance. He whispered underneath his breath.

He looked up at the sky above. There were still four or five stars shining. An evidence of the once amazing night. He wondered how every little sparkly star had witnessed everything they just did. Every move, every touch, every whisper. He wondered if they still felt her warmth, her pure atmosphere and her breath, like he did. He wondered if they felt sad as he did, now that she has faded away. While he was not paying attention, He found the stars he had been talking to, not there anymore. They only disappeared. Just like her.

Ian turned his back to the sea. Before he left, he said to it..."See you again soon."

And like this it remains. Lonely Ian imagined his truelove as a different girl that came to life every night and turned to myth in the light of day. Every night, a different dress, different name and different eyes. Every night, the same soul. He was left with the vague memories of what happened in the black night. He held to them tight for he knew that the human memory was tricky. Or maybe it was because he believed they were real.

Nonetheless, his feelings never grew tired. Every night, He would get to fall in love with a lovely Belle. He would get the joy of re-discovering her. Every night, Poor lonely Ian would search for a glimpse of light, a touch of innocence and one hug of pure desire believing that everything is real only when we want it to be. He wouldn't surrender to the fact that the real her was gone forever. Never.
Poor lonely Ian.. never knew that his sea is nothing but a delusion. Lovely Ian never knew that Love Is a Master of Illusion.

This made me cry. I loved it and I felt so bad for this guy. Did he used to have a girlfriend and he imagines being with her every night? Is that who she is because I think that a guy having a sort of imaginary girlfriend is a little weird. Other than that, I really loved this story. What I will critique on is that in the beginning, you have three or four paragraphs about Ian's love for the ocean. We know that he loves the ocean. You just came off as being repetitive. Well good job and keep writing.

To start off, I'd like to mention that I leave grammar and spelling corrections for other people to correct. I like to focus on the flow and description of the story.

"It was three am in the middle of the night."
--We already know what time it is, so describing it as being the middle of night is really repetitive. The first line of a story is very important. These words are what first capture the reader. This sentence almost makes me not want to carry on, because it kind of makes me wonder if you think I might be stupid or something. Like I don't know when in the day 3 in the morning happens.

"He never lost hope and he was determined not to"
--You've already noted that he never lost hope. There is no doubt then that he will. You've established a fact, which is unmoving. If you want to keep that he's determined to do something, phrasing it like "He had never lost hope before, and he was determined not to now." or something along those lines.

"Ian shivered the minute the ice water of the winter sea touched his feet."
--Winter has already been used to describe the season in the last paragraph. You can always look in a thesaurus to find some other words to describe winter, or something cold if you don't want to use "cold" or "icy" to describe the water.

--In the fourth paragraph, I have a bit of a problem when you say he talks to the sea because there's "Someone" to listen to him. By doing this it sounds as though you're personifying the sea, which tends to happen a lot. In stories and folklore the sea is alive, so it's perfectly normal to personify it here. But then you go and say he never knew who was listening. Isn't it the sea? comes to be the question but then you finish off the sentence hinting that it's the sea again because he has a connection to the water. I suggest taking out the part about him wondering who is listening, because that's what's taking away from the words.

--The fourth paragraph you lack detail. You've been wordy with the sea, but now that he's walking into the water, you've backed off. It's making the sequence lack, and I know you can do more. You mentioned earlier that the water on his feet made him shiver, but now he's going up to the waist in it, and yet he doesn't even flinch! Feel free to add more to what the water is doing to him emotionally and physically. Or the lack of emotion and feeling.

--The seventh paragraph started out well, got to be very dramatic with all of the "he didn't want" sentences, but my rule is that three is the limit to how many sentences you can start off the same. After three it get very redundant and annoying. We get that he doesn't want to do these things. Here's an example of a way you can do this:
"He didn't want to give up to the fact that he would never find it. He didn't want to miss having someone surround him with his whole body, just because they felt safe around him. He didn't want to spend his days faking laughter; didn't want to spend his nights swimming in the vortex of his thoughts--not anymore. No longer could he imagine the story of his life. He wanted to write it. He wanted to live it."

"He looked in her eyes. They were deep chocolate brown and mystical. She had long black eyelashes."
--putting all of these as different sentences makes the description choppy. I suggest something like this:
"He looked into her eyes, deep pools of chocolate brown, surrounded by long black lashes" Or something of the sort.

--The paragraph after this, describing the girl is just as choppy. You can combine this with the last part and combine the sentence. Try and vary the beginning of the sentence so they don't all start with "she" the repetition doesn't make it smooth at all. Combining them helps to delete the "she" and makes the words run smoother together. I'd also take out the part of you telling us that he's looking at her outfit. We already get that he sees her, and if you just go into the description of the outfit then we can already tell that he's looking at her body.

"angel-like and pure as her"
--Angels are already pure so you're repeating yourself.

"He then drew small circles with his soft lips next to her eyes."
--I am very confused. How do you draw small circles with lips? I don't understand what he's doing.

"Belle is such a belle name"
-- This sounds silly. I understand that "belle" means beauty, but to use it to say beauty makes for a confusing sentence.

I don't have as much time as I thought to keep going through the entire story. I made it about half way and the overall thought so far is that I really like the feel of the story and the direction it's going. There's lots of grammar mistakes that i haven't mentioned, which can also help to improve the flow of your story if you get the time to look through them. If you revised it just a little to help make the flow of the story better, than this piece could be really great. I'll try to come back to this piece to finish off the rest. Hope this helps so far =)