Young Writers Society

"Don't you feel a bit hot? There's probably going to be very heavy rainfall in a few. Breathe in. It's a bit intoxicating, isn't it? Like petrol? Yes, like petrol. It seeps in with an assurance, like you're deserving of a reason to be in this world, to feel beyond the mayhem. It makes me smile. You make me smile. I love you."

Love is probably the soft burn around the scar he made on your right cheek. Or sitting in his front yard and watching the smoke rise from the cigarette you both have been smoking. It's the leap your heart makes, while pretending to read, at the thought of he's here.

The fact that he defines the pain that shoots through, somewhere between sweetness and hurt, every time your fingers come in contact with his; the heartbeat that alters the existing rhythm, similar but different, it spells out his name.

And you watch; you watch the flowers on your bedside table as the seasons go by.

You watched him too. You watched him burn that house down and you couldn't help but smile.

He said come here next to me. He said he'll lie beside you in your tomb.

You made cuts in yourself for the memories. And you carved his name on the misty window of the rehab. Because the last time it rained, he loved you.

You wore his jacket. His knuckles smelled of blood and ash, but ah, the jacket; it disorientated your senses.

But the flowers dry, they're stuck in your throat, they choke you. Or is it your heart, or is it his?



"It seems like it's going to rain soon, the wedding better end fast."

Or maybe this is love. Watching him insert the ring on her finger, making the vows, smiling now because he has her.
And maybe this is what love does; takes the breath right out of you, leaving you with nothing at all.

love love love love love love it:D:D:D
<3 <3 <3

Loved the story. Your language is great and it all flows very well. It is also quite vague, yet in a good way. It leaves the reader space to imagine who these people are and what their relationship is really like. I do have one suggestion for you about your use of commas. There are a few places where you could maybe be using periods instead of commas. For example here;

The fact that he defines the pain that shoots through, somewhere between sweetness and hurt, every time your fingers come in contact with his; the heartbeat that alters the existing rhythm, similar but different, it spells out his name.

you may want to change a few commas for periods, although it does work how it is. Overall though, great piece! Keep writing.

The description originally feels random, but eventually it all relates in a great story. It's amazing how you can tell a good story in so few words and still create emotion.

Hi there!
This is rather short, but I'll see what I can comment on and hopefully it helps ^^ Let's go!

Yes, like petrol. It seeps in with an assurance, like you're deserving of a reason to be in this world, to feel beyond the mayhem.

I don't get this description. Would you mind clarifying? >_<
Err, I also don't see why you felt compelled to bold two lines and colour another blue.

And you carved his name on the misty window of the rehab.

'carved' is a strange verb to use on the misty window. I assume you're trying to describe the person using her finger to draw stuff on the moist surface? Also, 'rehab' (instead of rehabilitation centre) seems a little out of place in a piece where you generally don't use slang/short forms, but I suppose it may fit with the person's personality, affecting the way she speaks. This scene is too short for me to have a proper grasp of her character though. Just thought I'd voice my hesitation.

Watching him insert the ring in her finger

I think it's 'insert the ring on her finger'.
But other than that, it was short, but I generally loved the descriptions (the balance between showing and telling) and the ending line was wonderful.
Keep it up!
~Meep(:

Great job, to start off with.

I don't think even a dictionary can describe love, although it is there in words. Maybe no one really knows what love is, but I really admire how you put in a whole bunch of examples of what love could be, of the feelings it gives you, of the way it can be shown to others. And how when you love someone and just have to watch them love someone else, it completely tears you up.
I think you could be more clear on what exactly it is that the guy burned a house down for? why the girl was in rehab?

But i thought it was cute how you said:
[/quote]You made cuts in yourself for the memories. And you carved his name on the misty window of the rehab. Because the last time it rained, he loved you.

You wore his jacket. His knuckles smelled of blood, but ah, the jacket; it disorientated your senses.
[/quote]
this was great. Showed everything she felt all at the same time, and its just words all in the same.

Truly remarkable

Great job, to start off with.

I don't think even a dictionary can describe love, although it is there in words. Maybe no one really knows what love is, but I really admire how you put in a whole bunch of examples of what love could be, of the feelings it gives you, of the way it can be shown to others. And how when you love someone and just have to watch them love someone else, it completely tears you up.
I think you could be more clear on what exactly it is that the guy burned a house down for? why the girl was in rehab?

But i thought it was cute how you said:
[/quote]You made cuts in yourself for the memories. And you carved his name on the misty window of the rehab. Because the last time it rained, he loved you.

You wore his jacket. His knuckles smelled of blood, but ah, the jacket; it disorientated your senses.
[/quote]
this was great. Showed everything she felt all at the same time, and its just words all in the same.

Truly remarkable

Nice!

Love love love it!!!! What more is there to say?!

First off, as I have had many heartbreaks, I totally loved this. It tells an amazing short story about heartbreak (i think?) and even though i might not get it fully, i still loved it. the way you created imagery, your use of the words. you can picture things from this story in your mind as you read it, and i feel like this is the oppisite of "Speak now" by taylor swift... except in your story the person doesnt get the guy. I love love loved it!! please reveiw my poem! thnx!
~Rosey

Ok, I'm no romance story expert, but I like it. It was well thought up and beautifully written. It makes you think really deeply about love. What is true love? The words 'I love you,' and being hurt numerous times, or the actions of a ring on your finger and wedding vows?
Great job with this story!

You get it. I don't know it this has any personal experience tied to it, and if it doesn't, then I'm truly impressed. I couldn't wait to read the next line, the next, line, the next line. I was captivated from beginning to end. You really managed to tie so much raw emotion and feeling and God knows what else into a few short paragraphs. I love it so much. You're amazing! Thanks for contributing to the goodness of the human race.

~Jess

Ahh, depressing yet beautiful... Just the way I like them Its hard to describe the way I want to describe your story so I'm just going to say I love it!

o.0
I really, really like this - a lot >.<
Someone said further up - it is very vague, but that's what makes it so intresting, because there's a different range a possibilities of what it could be about, I mean I know I thought it was about some sort of abusive relationship, but she loved him anyway.
Anyway - carry on writing.
Geronimo <3

One word(bcuz I'm lazy -as usual):

BRILLIANT!!!!!!