Young Writers Society

I was watching the music video for 'All the things she said' by T.a.T.u and i started brainstorming ideas. This is a small snippit of a small novel i'm currently writing based on this song and allot of study i did on the struggles of young LGBT couples.

I was Ten years old when I found out who i really was. My best friend, Beth, and I would run through the fields behind the orphanage and pick flowers for the nuns. Beth was two years older than me, but you couldn't tell, she was only an inch taller than me, with her rosy red cheeks, complemented by her long chestnut hair, She looked so innocent.

One day as me and Beth gathered the last few bluebells left in the field, Beth told me something that made me stop cold in my place. Beth Stood at a unusually long distance. "Someone adopted me, i'm leaving today" she mumbled, "I was told a week ago, but i didn't have the heart to tell you". A small eerie silence fell upon us. Tears tried to push out of my eyes, but i wouldn't let them, I had to be strong.

Nearly ten minutes of silence had passed, Beth and I were sitting among the plain, freshly picked grass. It was still morning and the grass was wet with dew, but we had more pressing things to worry about. "Please, say something, I can hardly bare to see you this broken!." Beth tried to sound strong, but i could hear her voice shaking. "Do you have to leave?", I had to Force the words out of my mouth. "I Can't stay here" Beth said quietly, "We live in a dump!, the house is old, and dirty, we have to hang out bed-sheets out every morning because the roof leaks. I'm sorry, but i do have to thing about myself, and i can't stay here".Silence Fell again. Beth kissed me on the forehead, told me she had to do it, and ran back to the orphanage. Only now, nearly 15 years later, did i realize that my heart had broken.

This sound really good and leaves me curious about what’s going to happen in this story. You'll have to tell me when you have the first chapter out, it's defiantly caught my eye. =)

You should make it longer. Nice story line by the way!

I like the concept of the story, and think this will make a nice novel; carry on with it. However, I noticed a few little mistakes even in this snippet. One thing you seem to do is capitalizing words quite randomly. I think you might be doing that to add effect, so let me warn you now- doing it that many times doesn't, really. It makes it seem like they're typing errors. Also, you seem to write dialogue a little strangely, but these are little errors which are very easy to correct.

I'll highlight the bits that I've edited in red:

I was ten years old when I found out who I really was. My best friend, Beth, and I would run through the fields behind the orphanage and pick flowers for the nuns. Beth was two years older than me, but you couldn't tell; she was only an inch taller than me, and with her rosy red cheeks, complemented by her long chestnut hair, she looked so innocent.

One day as Beth and I gathered the last few bluebells left in the field, Beth told me something that made me stop cold in my place. Beth stood at a unusually long distance. "Someone adopted me. I'm leaving today," she mumbled. "I was told a week ago, but I didn't have the heart to tell you." An (I would take out the "small" here. It's unnecessary and doesn't really fit in the context) eerie silence fell upon us. Tears tried to push out of my eyes, but I wouldn't let them; I had to be strong.

Nearly ten minutes of silence had passed. Beth and I were sitting among the plain, freshly cut (Freshly picked grass? That doesn't make sense, so I changed it to "cut") grass. It was still morning and the grass was wet with dew, but we had more pressing things to worry about.
New line when a new person begins to speak:"Please, say something, I can hardly bear to see you this broken!(you don't need a full stop after an exclamation mark)" Beth tried to sound strong, but I could hear her voice shaking.
Again, new line:"Do you have to leave?"(the comma isn't needed here) I had to force the words out of my mouth.
New line:"I can't stay here," Beth said quietly, "We live in a dump!(No comma needed) The house is old, and dirty. We have to hang out bed-sheets out every morning because the roof leaks. I'm sorry, but I do have to think about myself, and I can't stay here."Silence fell again. Beth kissed me on the forehead, told me she had to do it, and ran back to the orphanage. Only now, nearly 15 years later, do I realize that my heart had broken.

So there are quite a few little errors there. My main advice would be to proofread it; be wary of typos, make sure you capitalise I's when you're talking about yourself, and don't capitalise random words in the middle of the sentence all of the time.

Also, with dialogue, make sure that you always start a new line when a new person begins speaking. End every piece of dialogue with punctuation (whether that's an exclamation mark, question mark, full stop, or comma.) Make sure you don't use a comma after you've already used an exclamation mark.

For example (and sorry about my on-the-spot example)

"Hello," said Gerry.
Hearing Gerry's voice, Tim turned around in surprise. "I can't believe it's you!"
"Well, it sure is."
"How have you been?"

Sorry if this sounds harsh at all, but I'm pretty picky when it comes to all of these things.

As I said it kept my attention (although it was very short) so keep writing, just make sure you keep in mind all of the things above.

Hope this helped,
~MorningMist~

Hello there
Cute, and short story. I really liked it.

Here are some suggestions :

I was ten years old when I found out who I really was. My best friend, Beth, and I would run through the fields behind the orphanage and pick flowers for the nuns. Beth was two years older than me, but you couldn't tell: she was only an inch taller than me, with rosy red cheeks, complemented by her long chestnut hair. She looked so innocent.

One day as me and Beth gathered the last few bluebells left in the field, Beth told me something that made me stop cold in my place. Beth Stood at a unusually long distance. "Someone adopted me, I'm leaving today" she mumbled, "I was told a week ago, but I didn't have the heart to tell you". A small eerie silence fell upon us. Tears tried to push out of my eyes, but i wouldn't let them, I had to be strong.
(minor punctuation details here and grammar errors.)

Nearly ten minutes of silence had passed, Beth and I were sitting among the plain, freshly cut (maybe this would flow better?)grass. It was still morning and the grass was wet with dew, but we had more pressing things to worry about. "Please, say something, I can hardly bare to see you this broken!." Beth tried to sound strong, but i could hear her voice shaking. "Do you have to leave?" I had to Force the words out of my mouth. "I Can't stay here" Beth said quietly, "We live in a dump! The house is old, and dirty, we have to hang out bed-sheets out every morning because the roof leaks. I'm sorry, but I do have to think (i think you meant think not thing?)about myself, and I can't stay here". Silence Fell again. Beth kissed me on the forehead, told me she had to do it, and ran back to the orphanage. Only now, nearly 15 years later, did I realize that my heart had broken.

Overall, it was just grammar errors. Go back and look at that possibly?

Overall it was great.

Hey there
I love that song!! Ah-hem. So yeah, the only thing major wrong with this was the grammar, and all the mistakes I noticed have already been pointed out.

"Please, say something, I can hardly bare to see you this broken!."

'bear' and this doesn't sound like something a ten-year-old would say.

Otherwise, nice job. Keep it up!

Thank you all for your helpful comments I will try to improve my grammar and use more age appropriate wording.