I don't think this should be really offensive to anyone on here, and I'm not sure how to forewarn people without blatantly saying what's going on. I guess if, in general, there are a few controversial topics that offend you, which I respect, don't read on. But I honestly don't think this is bad at all.
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I hate us.
I don’t hate you.
In case one day you see this, let me clarify.
There are so many things that, a year from now, I will remember. Your jokes, the ones I always call lame, the ones that make me laugh every time. Those moments when you let down your guard and show me how much you care for me. How you always say hi and then launch into a description of something that happened to you that day -- something you said that sounded bad, an awkward text, a funny joke you heard.
Five years from now, maybe I’ll be blurry on the details, but I won’t forget. I won’t forget the way my heart skipped a beat every time you greeted me. I won’t forget how, every time you made me laugh, I laughed with my heart and soul, the kind of laugh that only slipped out when I was truly happy. I won’t forget that odd sensation I experienced every time I saw your name, that feeling that started somewhere in my stomach and worked its way all through me.
Even ten, fifteen, twenty, years from now, there will be things that will remind me of you. Maybe someone will say something and, just for a moment, I’ll remember how you said it, too. Maybe every time I meet someone with your name, I’ll think of you, even if it’s only for a brief moment. All I can be sure of is that you’ll always be there.
I’m sorry, I’m rambling, aren’t I? You’re not one for useless platitudes and long-winded stories, and you hate clichés, hate overdone romantic lines. You hate not understanding too, hate not knowing what I mean, and I tease you mercilessly about it. You probably skimmed over the past few paragraphs, just because you’re dying to know what the point of this whole thing is.
I’ll tell you -- I will, I really will. Just give me a minute to say what I want to say. A minute to get all these thoughts of you, incoherent, coherent, teeming with memories of laughter, down on paper.
I said I hated us.
But I love everything about you.
I hate us, because there is no ‘us’.
I’m starting to sound a bit like the dreaded romantic cliché, so I’ll try to keep moving before you close this and ask me what the hell I’m going on about.
I’m not upset because you don’t love me like I love you. I whole-heartedly believe that sometimes you have to just believe in the possibility, that maybe -- if not today, maybe tomorrow. And if not tomorrow, maybe next week, next month, next year. Maybe the other person will come around. I believe that while there’s still a chance, everything is okay. That maybe can keep me going.
To be clear, because frankly I could never be clear and level-headed when it came to you, I don’t hate that we’re not together. I hate that we won’t be -- that we can’t be, not today, not ever. I hate that there’s no possibility, no maybe. More importantly, I hate myself.
I know my negativity frustrates you. When I complain about a bad grade, you assure me I’ll bring it up. When I say that I can’t sing, you tell me to be nice, and say that I’m not as bad as I think I am. When I say that I’m fat, you tell me I’m not -- and I have to thank you for that, because I truly do think those assurances have helped me find a silver lining to my own existence that I, the master pessimist, had not seen before.
So when I say I hate myself, I don’t mean what you think I mean. I do hate myself - but not because I’m ugly, or because I’m fat. Not because I think I don’t deserve you. Not because I think that I’m just a general failure. No, all in all, I think I’m a pretty decent person, if not the best of the best, if not spectacular or extraordinary or special.
I have a few flaws, but only one that will ever really keep me from what I want: I’m a girl.
And so are you.
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This is not one of my most serious works, but any feedback/opinions would be appreciated much the same. : )
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