Young Writers Society

[Remember, this story is a stream-of-consciousness excerpt from a full story. It's deliberately abstract; besides, what's more abstract and incomprehensible that whatever it is we feel when want to hug somebody?]

Love, as it turns out, is an overwhelmingly complicated subject, one that doesn't appear to get any easier to comprehend the more you try. When you're in love, the way you function turns out not to after all, and so you end up walking yourself up the steps without a hug, laughing to yourself because of the flutter in your intestines, while at the same time screaming into your pillow because you should have just hugged him, dang it, how could you have been so stupid?

A terrible inconvenience all at once. An enigma on his own, I need a believer's strength to maintain any sanity after a simple afternoon of his company, as if the word "company" could ever collect all the beats of my heart to fulfill its true meaning. I love him and so I lift my hands at the end of the night, happiness expelled from every end of my existence, but he simply drives home, unless he too lifts his hands, but what if he just simply drives home after all?

Love at the same time is an overwhelmingly complicated thought process, thinking about how things could work out or rather not. In the end, maybe he loves me. Let's not talk about it but instead think about it, even though we're going to pretend like we're not even thinking about it.

I don't want to talk about it because by doing so I accept the fact that he means something to me. To risk so much of one's heart is a terrifying thing, but I'm almost happy about it. In fact I am, which is the worst part.

He is my over-complication. He is my mountain from a molehill. He is also the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and I'm quite thoroughly in love with him, but I'm not about to tell anyone that.

Awwwww, this is so sweet. I love it. Awesome job. Really.

Hello! Let's see what I can do for you today!

Love, as it turns out, is an overwhelmingly complicated subject, Full-stop? one that doesn't appear to get any easier to comprehend the more you try This is quite a busy description, so maybe you want to consider removing the doesn't appear part. When you're in love, the way you function turns out not to after all Awkward expression. Suggestion: you don't function the way you normally do, and so you end up walking yourself up the steps This is just a personal preference, so feel free to ignore: I'd place the girl as having already walked into the house and closed the door behind her so that it seems more final and the regret can really sink in. Otherwise she can simply have a last minute burst of courage, turn around and tackle him into a hug xD without a hug, laughing to yourself because of the flutter in your intestines While this may be true for some, compared to the 'butterflies in your stomach' expression, using 'intestines' doesn't seem delicate enough to match the sweet thoughts, I think, while at the same time screaming into your pillow Awkward transition, how did she suddenly teleport from the steps to bedroom (presumably)?, maybe place this in a separate sentence from the previous bit, because you should have just hugged him, dang it, how could you have been so stupid?

A terrible inconvenience all at once. An enigma on his own, I need a believer's What is there to require belief in relation to sanity? strength to maintain any sanity after a simple afternoon of in (Actually, I would suggest 'basking in' to strengthen the feeling of how glorious it is to be in his presence)his company, as if the word "company" could ever collect all the beats of my heart to fulfill its true meaning Love this description!. I love him and so I lift my hands I think the key part of a hug is the arms, not hands at the end of the night, happiness expelled from every end of my existence Strange expression, and like 'intestines', 'expelled' is rather indelicate if you want to set the mood. Perhaps try something like: happiness radiating from every inch of me, but he simply drives home, unless he too lifts his hands, but what if he just simply drives home after all? Confused here. The front part seems to be factually stating that he simply left, while the end part is merely considering this option. And also the 'hands' part, as previously mentioned.

Love at the same time is an overwhelmingly complicated thought process Seems very similar to the first line of your piece. You may have intended for this repetitive effect, but I feel that both are too similar, considering the way you go on to elaborate on them. Both discuss scenarios, both involve contemplation, thinking about how things could work out or rather not. In the end, maybe he loves me. Let's not talk about it but instead think about it, even though we're going to pretend like we're not even thinking about it.

I don't want to talk about it because by doing so I accept the fact that he means something to me. To risk so much of one's heart is a terrifying thing, but I'm almost happy about it. In fact I am, which is the worst part. This bit is great for readers to relate to, so thumbs up!

He is my over-complication. He is my mountain from a molehill. Nice expression He is also the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and I'm quite thoroughly in love with him, but I'm not about to tell anyone that.

Overall, this piece was lovely to read
It captured the hope and tentativeness of budding love, the fear of disappointment and the accompanying feeling of being unavoidably happy. I give it a big thumbs up for allowing readers to relate well with the situation and feelings, because you aptly conveyed it through your descriptions. Great job!

Hope this helps and feel free to clarify anything with me!
~Meep(:

Bahaha! Hi again, spinelli! ^_^

I collided with other of your pieces. Wow. You're really good writing stories. You manage to make them catchy, and entertaining, and while reading it... you make the reader feel like he/she knows you. And that's amazing! The only thing that I would suggest you is to make more sentences. You write huge sentences with commas and I find that a bit distracting, and it could be confusing sometimes. Like for example here: "When you're in love, the way you function turns out not to after all, and so you end up walking yourself up the steps without a hug, laughing to yourself because of the flutter in your intestines, while at the same time screaming into your pillow because you should have just hugged him. Dang it! How could you have been so stupid?"

See? That sentence was already long enough. But you did an amazing job on this story!

Keep writing!

~Solly<3

Hey there.

I’ll start of this review with a few technical points, and then give my overall impression after I’ve done so.

Love, as it turns out, is an overwhelmingly complicated subject, one that doesn't appear to get any easier to comprehend the more you try. When you're in love, the way you function turns out not to after all,

Not to what? You move on completely from your first point and expect the reader to understand what you're getting at. If you're going to write a commentary/collection of thoughts on love, your writing needs to be clear and succinct to suit the style of this piece. Be clear about what you're saying- there's nothing more frustrating than not being able to connect with the writer's thoughts if they don't flow evenly into one another.

and so you end up walking yourself up the steps without a hug, laughing to yourself because of the flutter in your intestines, while at the same time screaming into your pillow because you should have just hugged him, dang it, how could you have been so stupid?

Second person here. I'm cool with that and everything, but you switch narrative voices below:

A terrible inconvenience all at once. An enigma on his own, I need a believer's strength

I understand that the first paragraph might have been a 'hard talk with my conscience' sort of situation, but again, that is not made clear to the reader. They become confused as to who you are talking about. However- this is more a stream of consciousness than an actual story, so 'people' or 'characters' aren't just as important.

to maintain any sanity after a simple afternoon of his company, as if the word "company" could ever collect all the beats of my heart to fulfil its true meaning.

I noticed how rambly some of this was- this is an example of what I mean. These two lines should be separated somehow as you're not quite talking about the same subject as you fling yourself into another thought. As well as this, I really didn't get what you were trying to say. I understood what you wanted it to mean, but I don't think it quite worked out as you would have hoped. For a start, the true meaning of what? Company? You've tried to make something deep that doesn't have much connection to the theme of the story- which is love. It just feels like you're trying far too hard to impress by scaling up a fairly simple thought to a kind of grandeur it could never achieve in the first place. Take it easy, take it slow, and let your words fall naturally on the page.

Fulfil is also spelled incorrectly. I fixed that for you.

I love him and so I lift my hands at the end of the night, happiness expelled from every end of my existence, but he simply drives home, unless he too lifts his hands, but what if he just simply drives home after all?

Okay... I'm going to repeat my earlier comment. Again, you're making this complicated. Love is complicated, yes, but your writing doesn't have to be. This metaphor of 'lifting up your hands' isn't really clearly expressed and the expression does indeed seem clumsy; repetition of 'simply' and the random question fired on to the end. I just... can't buy into this at all. You're more than capable of using the language, but again, this seems so forced, like it's literally been squeezed out into the page. If you're going to use metaphor, simple but clever is an excellent way to go about it.

Love at the same time is an overwhelmingly complicated thought process,

You'e repeating yourself!

Love is not thought, but feeling, as you've previously suggested. I thought this was therefore somewhat contradictory to the whole idea of the piece.

thinking about how things could work out or rather not.

'Rather' is redundant here. Scratch it!

In the end, maybe he loves me. Let's not talk about it but instead think about it, even though we're going to pretend like we're not even thinking about it.

Clumsy expression. The last section of this sentence morphs it into rambling nonsense, so by cutting it out we'll have something at least coherent. However, I do like that she is shy of her feelings for him- it's quite touching. First love can be terrifying

I don't want to talk about it, because by doing so, I accept the fact that he means something to me.

Putting breaks in this sentence makes it less of a marathon to read.

To risk so much of one's heart is a terrifying thing, but I'm almost happy about it. In fact I am, which is the worst part.[/quote]

I found the bolded part to be quite beautiful. Well done on that. The rest of the sentence just seems to undermine the whole meaning of the first part, however. It stands beautifully on it's on, so it would be best to keep it that way.

He is my over-complication.

I like this a lot. A very simple yet effective way of describing their relationship, so well done! There's something about that line that really stuck with me, even as this piece came to a close.

He is also the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. and I'm quite thoroughly in love with him, but I'm not about to tell anyone that.

Again with the rambling run-on lines.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

I'll have to be honest when I say I'm not overly convinced here. This isn't really a story, more of a collection of thoughts about love. There aren't really any clear cut characters, nor a story to tell.

I also found some of your language to be particularly tedious, like you don't quite know what you're trying to say. The only thing that is over complicated here is how you are choosing to put your thoughts on the page. This may not be the case, (and I'm sorry if you disagree) but I personally think you are trying just too hard. A writer, when stripped back to the basics, is trying to tell a story. Not impress readers by using imagery and ideas so complicated they don't make sense. Make it natural, easy, smooth; tell the story how it needs to be told. The key of being a good writer is not to 'sound clever' by using large words or outlandish vocab, but to present the reader with story that has heart, feeling and resonance that stays with the reader forever. It's not easy, but you're halfway there!

GOOD POINTS

> Excellent grammar and spelling

> Beginnings of an ability to express feelings through imagery/metaphors

> A few pieces of nice description

THINGS TO IMPROVE ON

> Run on lines. They deter you from your focus on the story and make the reader breathless with all those words.

> Your metaphors. Keep it simple, clear, and clever. Describing something so simply yet beautifully is the real heart of storytelling.

> Natural pace and voice. Sometimes this piece read like even you didn't know what you were talking about. Writing should come naturally- trust me, it will be easier for yourself!


Thanks for posting. I hope you take some of this on board! PM me if you have any questions, I'm more than happy to help.

your reviewer,

Moo xo

I think that Moo has covered a lot of the problems with this piece so I'm just going to say what I think about the piece.

For starters, you included some really nice descriptions and I felt that (through the rambling) you captured the narrator's personality very well. Unfortunately, it was that same rambling that made the whole piece almost laborious for me to read. My eyes stumbled along some of the unnecessarily long and complex sentences (I think you only used about 4-5 short sentences) and I felt somewhat confused (and annoyed that I was confused) by the end of the piece. Yes, you said that love was complicated but your explaining it just made me more confused...

One sentence in particular flummoxed me;

I love him and so I lift my hands at the end of the night, happiness expelled from every end of my existence, but he simply drives home, unless he too lifts his hands, but what if he just simply drives home after all?

What does this mean? It adds nothing to the piece and (to be honest) I thought that this sentence was disjointed and completely out of sync with the flowery style of writing that you seem to have been trying to achieve. You could probably be able to do something with it- but it made me so frustrated when reading it that I just want to somehow rip it from this monitor, throw it on the floor and stomp on it several times before dramatically throwing it in the bin.

That was pretty harsh but I think that you will gain more from a harsh review than from nothing at all (this is my begging you not to hate me forever! ) I think with some intensive reviewing and an actual story to back it up, this might make a decent monologue.


-Bonnie