Young Writers Society

Part 1: Sounds Perfect
Characters: Landon and Ireland

“Hey Landon, how was your weekend?” Ireland called out as she saw Landon walk down the steps of his house. “It was cool, how about yours?” said Landon slightly annoyed at the fact that it was raining once again and his hair kept getting damp. “Will you stop playing with your hair it looks great just like it always does every single day”. Landon just looked over at Ireland and gave her a slight smile, ever since the Spring Fling dance she had started looking at him differently. “So enough about me, I asked how your weekend was.” Landon asked as he started playing with his hair again trying to slick it to the side. “Um it was alright I guess Sophie got out of her cage again so I got to spend all day yesterday chasing after her and giving her a bath. I swear that dog is just too much to handle sometimes.” Ireland said wondering off in her thoughts a little thinking about how great Landon had looked at the Spring Fling just two weeks ago. “Hey um Ireland there’s something I want to ask you”. Ireland snapped out of her day dream and looked up to meet Landon’s eyes. “Yeah sure, what is it?” Landon thought about this carefully. “Well since we have been neighbors and best friends for practically ever, well I was just wondering if you would like to be my date for the grand opening of the art gallery in Seattle.” Ireland just stood there mouth ajar so shocked at the fact that her dream guy had just asked her to go with him to the art gallery. “Um yeah…that would be nice”. A huge smile crossed Ireland’s face as she felt her cheeks start to redden. “Really? Oh well that’s awesome! I’ll pick you up at around 8ish tonight. Sound good?” Ireland started to turn and walk away to her car but tossed her head back gently and lightly said “Sounds perfect.”

Hi there free2sing.

This is nice. Your writing is lovely. But I would suggest you to separate the dialog from one another, and make more paragraphs.

Another thing is that I noticed how you wrote: “Hey Landon, how was your weekend?” Ireland called out as she saw ]Landon walk down.... In the second red word, you could simply say "him". We already know you're talking about Landon, you don't have to say it twice. It sounds repetitive and that bores the reader.

There were some missing commas and some "said" instead of "asked", but you re-read and edit, okay? Other than that you did a good job! Keep it up!

~Solly<3

Couple things. First is that this is just a big chunk of text, which even when it's this small can be a bit of a pain on the eyes. Easy fix, though, because you should hit that "enter" key every time someone else is talking. Also, you don't need to state the characters in a story, not unless it's a changing first-person or a script for a play. My primary problem with this though is that there needs to be some more nonverbal ques, more body language and thoughts and maybe alluding even more to what exactly caused the change at the Spring Fling for them. Also, why the art gallery? Does he have a painting/artwork showing there, or do they just both like art? My other problem was that the way this was portrayed, their relationship didn't seem very personal to me. You said they've been friends for a while, so why not make them act like that a little bit? Besides pointing out appearance things, maybe you should also point out quick memories that spring up in their minds when they see each other, etc. These are just little things that will really turn your story into something, and build your characters to make them more three-dimensional. I hope this helped! And this was actually a good start.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Thanks you guys this really helped me a lot! I appreciate it so much! For part 2 I will make sure to take in all this advice(:

Whoa. Before beginning a new line of dialogue from a new person, start a new paragraph. Like this:

"Hey Landon, how was your weekend?" Ireland called out as she saw Landon walk down the steps of his house.

"It was cool, how about yours?"said Landon slightly annoyed at the fact that it was raining once again and his hair kept getting damp.

"Will you stop playing with your hair it looks great just like it always does every single day."

That's the first thing I want you to look at and change because this will make your piece more coherent and structured. Second note, instead of using the characters' names so much, switch up with using "he" and "she." This gives a better flow to the piece and disrupts all the repetition. There's a few points where a period would be more useful than a comma, but grammar-wise that was really the biggest problem.

As a whole, I think you just need to need to fix those few little technical issues and have at it. Don't be afraid to really explore your characters and let us, the readers, do the same thing. Just keep writing and be gutsy!

Okay over all it was very good but there were a few things that bothered me. For one it is that you need shorter paragraphs. Second is when you said Ireland I did not know you were talkin about a person rather than a place. Third of all you said landens name a little to much. But besides that the writing was good the wording was good and I think that you will become a great writer