Young Writers Society

A preview of the story I'm writin. I am kinda leaving you hanging but this is what I have so far. Please tell me what you think and if you want to read more


My story goes back 5 years ago, when I  met the one I love.  I was 8 when we first met and then it was nothing more than a crush. If I would've known then what I know now I  might have changed the way I feel, but since my story with him has not yet ended, I don't know if it will be worth the pain and suffering that was ahead. 

When I first saw him I felt attracted right away, I didn't know what to say, what to do, or how to act. I never felt so attracted to someone as I did that moment. But even though I liked him I was one of the people that couldn't show it, so I hid it behind dislike. I made him think I had no feelings for him; it sadly went on this was for 3 years and through out that entire time I still cared.

 After so long of wanting him I finally decided to try and show it, so him and I slowly became great friends I was so amazed and so incredibly happy that I somewhat got to show my feelings. But then I was more than just attracted to him.. I loved him

 I had to to hid my feelings Even longer since he was dating my enemy. I didn't feel jealous or angry I just felt pain. But what I thought was pain wouldnt even compare to the way I felt once I shared my feelings with him. He broke up with his girlfriend so I felt it was time to tell him my feelings. I told him I cared that I really like him but I didn't get the same in return.

Him and I slowly made our way back to friends last year, he knew how I felt, he knew how I cared, but we acted as if nothing happened.

To be continued..

Okay...

Hi there WinterBloom.

This looks like a good prologue for a story, otherwise it doesn't convince me. I mean, What happened after the character told him about her feelings? D: Lol, I guess you should've told us. Perhaps, even though he was dating someone else, he loved her too... but maybe not!! D: You left me hanging. xP

Okay, but talking about the writing, I think it's nice. Though, your topic lacks lots commas, you should re-read and edit that. Also... it's kind of weird that you say an eight year old has a crush on other kid, because not much people write about that, and actually, when I read it I was like: "What? An eight year old is a little KID!" But yeah, then I remembered some conversations I had with my cousins, and it's true, it does happens. xD

You did a good job! Keep it up.

~Solly<3

I could relate, somewhat, to the tale. It has great potential: however, I felt that you held back a lot of the crucial details as GeeLyria brought up.

What are the set circumstances for these two individuals? How did they meet initially? What are concrete moments that could support the details you offer? What did they do when they were great friends? How did the narrator deal with the pain of him dating someone else -did she drift away or did she reach out to him and he simply didn't have time for her because of his girlfriend?

I had to to hid my feelings Even longer since he was dating my enemy.

The second "to" is redundant. I'm not quite sure why you capitalized "Even" -did you mean to make a new sentence or was it merely an accident?

Also, you want to use hide rather than "hid."

My story goes back 5 years ago. . .
. . . it sadly went on this was for 3 years

It's a rule of thumb to write out any one-word number.

When I first saw him I felt attracted right away, I didn't know what to say, what to do, or how to act. I never felt so attracted to someone as I did that moment.

All right, this fellow is evidently special, but as the reader I wonder why. What makes him stand out from everyone else she has met before?

But then I was more than just attracted to him.. I loved him

When using periods in this fashion you would write it as:

The actual writing was good, but the story lacked structure, and something to hook you. It could have played out the thing about dating the ex, or about becoming good friends. Other than that, and the cliff hanger, it was a good story!

Hey there WinterBloom! For starters this story was good as a whole. In your third sentence you might want to find a way to re word it because the sentence kind of drags on like a run on sentence. Also, i really didn't feel connected to any of the characters in the story. Like I have no idea what the boys name is and where does your enemy come in? I feel like you could have left the cliff hanger in a better way and ended it with me wanting to read more. If you would've added some more details to this excerpt I think it would've been a little more coherent because throughout i felt a little lost. Overall though i think the concept of what you were thinking was excellent. Good job girl!