Young Writers Society

Chapter 1



I just started this story, please tell me what you think and if I should post the rest! Thanks



Taylor's hair flowed as she ran through the freezing snow, her entire body shaking but that couldnt slow her down, her light blue eyes shined even though the cold made her eyes water.

"Elizabeth! Can you believe how much snow we've gotten? It's the most I've seen my whole life!"
"Oh Taylor don't you remember we had this much last year?"
"Oh never mind that we have to go sledding, Mama let me barrow the sled for an hour before I have to get back so we must go now."
"Oh Taylor I'd love to but my sister Jane is horibly sick! Ma won't let me go anywhere, I have to go before she notices me missing, I'll see you at school."



Taylor started back home but because she had an hour she stayed outside knowing that if she went in mama would make her get to work. She went over near the lake and stared in amassment at the frozen water.
She suddenly jumped when she felt a hand on her shoulder,"LUKE how many times have I told you don't sneak up on me!"
"Aww why not if I said something it would take all of the fun out of it"
"do you think I care if it ruins your fun? You almost made me fall in the lake, you know the ice wouldn't be strong enough to hold me"
" I'm sorry Taylor I won't do it again I promise!"
" Good, now what would you like?"
"Well I was wondering if you heard about the winter ball?"
"I do mama is already starting on my dress"
" Well I thought maybe, if you wanted, you might come to it with me?"
"Well.... I don't know, I'll have to ask if I can"
"Oh..... Well okay will you tell me once you have your answer"
"Okay, well I'll see you at school tomorrow, I have to go, bye Luke"
" Bye.."

Hmm...the biggest issue with this story is that you forgot your quotation marks. Although I could somewhat tell who was speaking, that's still a distraction. Also, you should not use multiple exclamation points in your piece. Just little errors like that need to be addressed. I'm not one for reading stories such as this usually because of how cardboard they tend to be, but if you can surprise me with a good story, I'm all for it. I hope this helps.

....

Hi there, WinterBloom.

Okay. I'm totally confused. I have no idea who's talking to who in this story. D: And I feel terrible about it. You should like... insert quotation marks when they say stuff. Like for example: "Oh, John. Please stop mocking me, silly," Gina said, though she didn't look offended.

I think the story you're bringing us is pretty interesting. Though, I can't talk much about it, since I didn't quiet understand what was happening because of the issue stated above. You also forgot some apostrophes and commas, though, you're forgiven since you're only thirteen. But remember, to try to better your writing in every way, no matter how young you are. It will let you go far and people will appreciate you greatly as a writer. ^_^

Keep it up!

~Solly<3

Hey,

This was a nice attempt. I did get what the stories general theme was but as others have mentioned you must have quotations or things become very confusing indeed.

You also need to add comma's in some places as some of your sentences go on for a bit too long (especially some in the dialogue)

That's the main issue, once you sort it out the rest will come. I look forward to the next chapter.

Hey hey!! Starleene here! Great story but here a few nit picks! :

Taylor's hair flowed as she ran through the freezing snow, her entire body shaking but that couldnt slow her down, her light blue eyes shined even though the cold made her eyes water.

This sentence would probably flow better if you changed this for wouldn't. You already stated that they were her eyes maybe change "her eyes" for "them"

"Elizabeth! Can you believe how much snow we've gotten? It's the most I've seen my whole life!"

"Elizabeth, can you believe how much snow we've gotten? It's the most I've seen my whole life!"

"Oh Taylor don't you remember we had this much last year?"

Oh Taylor, dont you remember? We had this much last year! <--Makes a little more sense if you write it this way

"Oh never mind that, we have to go sledding, Mama let me barrow the sled for an hour before I have to get back, so we must go now."

You already started the last sentence with 'Oh', try varying them. Comma after "that" Change this to an exclamation point. Borrow. Comma after back.

"Oh Taylor, I'd love to, but my sister Jane is horibly sick! Ma won't let me go anywhere, I have to go before she notices me missing, I'll see you at school."

Change "oh". Comma after Taylor. Comma after to. Horribly. "Ma won't let me go anywhere, so I had better get back before she starts wondering where I'm at. I'll see you at school." <--Possible change?

Taylor started back home but because she had an hour she stayed outside knowing that if she went in mama would make her get to work. She went over near the lake and stared in amassment at the frozen water.

"Taylor started back home but the prospect of being put to work turned her back tword the frozen lake." I feel like your not giving us enough detail, enough emotion.

"She suddenly jumped when she felt a hand on her shoulder,"LUKE how many times have I told you don't sneak up on me!"

Many of your sentences are awkwardly structured, try getting creative and switching them up Also, dont use all caps, its tacky. Use exclamation points. "Suddenly she jumped as a hand was placed on her shoulder," swirling around she noticed a familiar face laughing down at her in amusement, "Luke! How many times have I told you, dont sneak up on me!"

"Aww why not if I said something it would take all of the fun out of it"

Aww, why not? If I had said something it would have ruined all the fun!

"do you think I care if it ruins your fun? You almost made me fall in the lake, you know the ice wouldn't be strong enough to hold me"

Capitalize"You could have made me fall in the lake, and we both know there's not enough ice here to hold me up!

" I'm sorry Taylor, I won't do it again I promise!"

Comma after Taylor.

"I do mama is already starting on my dress"

Did

" Well I thought maybe, if you wanted, you might come to it with me?"

Go

"Oh..... Well okay will you tell me once you have your answer"

Oh...well ok. Will you tell me once youahve your answer?"

"Okay, well I'll see you at school tomorrow, I have to go, bye Luke"

"Okay. Well I have to go but I'll see you at school tomorrow. Bye Luke!"

Ok, well this was an interesting story. I liked the story line but there are some things that would make your piece much better.
Most of your story is just dialogue and it would benefit from actions. What are the characters doing as they're talking to each other? Are they just standing there awkwardly face to face, or are they moving around like real humans? I often tell people who are struggling with dialogue actions to go and observe people as they talk. It really does help.
Well that's all for now!

~Starleene~